Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

Well not really!

But I did do the most unimaginable and unthinkable thing one might do while considering someone for a relation. I met my ex - Nathan, and actually had fun. Also I told Josh before the meet up about it since I didn't want it to mistakenly slip later in some conversation and then be hanged by the thumbs.

Nathan arrived in Pakistan sometime in the beginning of July to spend a two weeks of his vacations before going back. Before I proceed to tell what happened on the meet up, let me tell you all that Nathan and I have remained in touch since December or January I believe. I had my differences with him previously but since we have started talking, I have begun to see Nathan in a new light. This revelation leads me to solidify my beliefs even more that Nathan and I could not have gone for much longer. But that's okay. I have made peace with the fact and I have actually gained a really good friend with whom I can share anything and vice versa.

In the early stages of Josh and I getting to know each other, I told him about Nathan and how everything went down with him. Josh did not like him. Moreover he did not understand the point of being in a long distance relationship, which he made perfectly clear once again when we talked about my first kiss with Nathan.

Before Nathan arrived he asked me if he can be in touch with me in Pakistan and go out sometime if I am comfortable with it. Why would I not be?! He also asked if Josh would be okay with it. I told him that he should be okay with it. Committed or not committed, I am allowed to have friends and he( Josh) should trust me enough to let me go meet some dude and not wind up getting banged in some dark alley. The same night when I was talking with Josh, I told him without any tact at all that I would be meeting Nathan when he comes to Pakistan. I would admit that was boorish on my part. It may have made him think that I do not care for his feelings. But I did. Earlier somebody had approached Josh for a meet up but Josh had declined. I told him at that point that I trust him and will not stop him from meeting anyone if he wants to. We are allowed to have friends!

Call me an effed up guy, but I seriously can not stand anybody bad mouthing Nathan. Ryan and I have fought considerable number of times over his rants about Nathan. I even had to shut Amanda up once. I do not like people bad mouthing Nathan period. It is not that I harbor feelings for him. It is that he is a really nice guy and the fact that we broke up had absolutely nothing to do with him. I was the one going all hormonal on his ass! Josh is probably the one person who's rants I took quietly but that too up to a certain point.

When I told Josh about the meet up, he asked me that how could I be friends with someone who I loved a few months ago?

It all depends on what grounds the break up happened and if the people involved have truly gotten over it. When in a true and real relationship, the people open themselves up completely and find someone who knows them better than most. Nathan became that person but  we could not make it work as a couple. However we are definitely rocking it out as friends. Josh has been committed once before and from what he told me, his ex was a real douche. Infact he was the douche of all douches!

"I don't care if I get it on with Josh or not, but I am glad that at least he is not involved with him!", I thought when Josh confessed of a few hurtful memories.

Despite Josh's apprehension I went ahead and met Nathan on one of the larger breaks that I got between my exams. Nathan had requested that we go to a particular place I took to him last year on our third date. But I had exams and he didn't have much time so we could not go ahead with that plan. We went to another near by restaurant that we went to at least two or three times last year. The meeting was fun. We ordered food and talked. I didn't think it would be uncomfortable but there was a little doubt in my mind. However as I sat there and talked, I realized that I had nothing to worry or fear about. This meet was turning out to be fantastic!

We talked about pretty much everything and even indulged in a little window shopping for guys. We were both sort of single, so we both were sort of browsing. We discussed gym routines and even boobies. LOL! I guess that's what happens when you are completely comfortable talking about anything with somebody. The most ridiculous topics get slammed on the table and even then you somehow manage to have fun with it. Before we met, Nathan and I would usually text each other a few times of a day. Josh was not aware of this entirely. It's not that I was hiding it from him, it skipped my mind. It really did!

Nathan and I could not meet again. He was busy in family stuff and I had exams. I did tell Josh about it the same day that it happened. He was very stoic through out the conversation replying only in single words like 'Okay', 'Yeah' and 'Cool'. But I know Josh, and I knew things were anything but cool.

Josh never raises his voice. It isn't like him to yell at the top of his lungs to let somebody know that he's mad. He does the opposite and starts shutting them out. But then isn't that what most guys do?!

I could have simply gone out and Josh would have never known about it. However that would have also been wrong and dishonest. If I expect Josh to come to me with anything, I need to be ready and willing to go to him with anything. Honesty is not the best policy. It's the only policy! :D

Looking back I do know that this is one of the things that lead to us breaking up. But I am glad that I played my cards right. If it didn't work out despite this, there is and was nothing I could have done about it. Love is a loosing game after all - however you won't find my weeping or sulking on a sidewalk.

Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

Well not really!

But I did do the most unimaginable and unthinkable thing one might do while considering someone for a relation. I met my ex - Nathan, and actually had fun. Also I told Josh before the meet up about it since I didn't want it to mistakenly slip later in some conversation and then be hanged by the thumbs.

Nathan arrived in Pakistan sometime in the beginning of July to spend a two weeks of his vacations before going back. Before I proceed to tell what happened on the meet up, let me tell you all that Nathan and I have remained in touch since December or January I believe. I had my differences with him previously but since we have started talking, I have begun to see Nathan in a new light. This revelation leads me to solidify my beliefs even more that Nathan and I could not have gone for much longer. But that's okay. I have made peace with the fact and I have actually gained a really good friend with whom I can share anything and vice versa.

In the early stages of Josh and I getting to know each other, I told him about Nathan and how everything went down with him. Josh did not like him. Moreover he did not understand the point of being in a long distance relationship, which he made perfectly clear once again when we talked about my first kiss with Nathan.

Before Nathan arrived he asked me if he can be in touch with me in Pakistan and go out sometime if I am comfortable with it. Why would I not be?! He also asked if Josh would be okay with it. I told him that he should be okay with it. Committed or not committed, I am allowed to have friends and he( Josh) should trust me enough to let me go meet some dude and not wind up getting banged in some dark alley. The same night when I was talking with Josh, I told him without any tact at all that I would be meeting Nathan when he comes to Pakistan. I would admit that was boorish on my part. It may have made him think that I do not care for his feelings. But I did. Earlier somebody had approached Josh for a meet up but Josh had declined. I told him at that point that I trust him and will not stop him from meeting anyone if he wants to. We are allowed to have friends!

Call me an effed up guy, but I seriously can not stand anybody bad mouthing Nathan. Ryan and I have fought considerable number of times over his rants about Nathan. I even had to shut Amanda up once. I do not like people bad mouthing Nathan period. It is not that I harbor feelings for him. It is that he is a really nice guy and the fact that we broke up had absolutely nothing to do with him. I was the one going all hormonal on his ass! Josh is probably the one person who's rants I took quietly but that too up to a certain point.

When I told Josh about the meet up, he asked me that how could I be friends with someone who I loved a few months ago?

It all depends on what grounds the break up happened and if the people involved have truly gotten over it. When in a true and real relationship, the people open themselves up completely and find someone who knows them better than most. Nathan became that person but  we could not make it work as a couple. However we are definitely rocking it out as friends. Josh has been committed once before and from what he told me, his ex was a real douche. Infact he was the douche of all douches!

"I don't care if I get it on with Josh or not, but I am glad that at least he is not involved with him!", I thought when Josh confessed of a few hurtful memories.

Despite Josh's apprehension I went ahead and met Nathan on one of the larger breaks that I got between my exams. Nathan had requested that we go to a particular place I took to him last year on our third date. But I had exams and he didn't have much time so we could not go ahead with that plan. We went to another near by restaurant that we went to at least two or three times last year. The meeting was fun. We ordered food and talked. I didn't think it would be uncomfortable but there was a little doubt in my mind. However as I sat there and talked, I realized that I had nothing to worry or fear about. This meet was turning out to be fantastic!

We talked about pretty much everything and even indulged in a little window shopping for guys. We were both sort of single, so we both were sort of browsing. We discussed gym routines and even boobies. LOL! I guess that's what happens when you are completely comfortable talking about anything with somebody. The most ridiculous topics get slammed on the table and even then you somehow manage to have fun with it. Before we met, Nathan and I would usually text each other a few times of a day. Josh was not aware of this entirely. It's not that I was hiding it from him, it skipped my mind. It really did!

Nathan and I could not meet again. He was busy in family stuff and I had exams. I did tell Josh about it the same day that it happened. He was very stoic through out the conversation replying only in single words like 'Okay', 'Yeah' and 'Cool'. But I know Josh, and I knew things were anything but cool.

Josh never raises his voice. It isn't like him to yell at the top of his lungs to let somebody know that he's mad. He does the opposite and starts shutting them out. But then isn't that what most guys do?!

I could have simply gone out and Josh would have never known about it. However that would have also been wrong and dishonest. If I expect Josh to come to me with anything, I need to be ready and willing to go to him with anything. Honesty is not the best policy. It's the only policy! :D

Looking back I do know that this is one of the things that lead to us breaking up. But I am glad that I played my cards right. If it didn't work out despite this, there is and was nothing I could have done about it. Love is a loosing game after all - however you won't find my weeping or sulking on a sidewalk.

Where Dem Bloggers At?!

Recently a favorite blog of mine closed down, the author felt that the purpose of his blog was complete. His opinion, but in my opinion his blog could have gone on alot longer and I really liked reading his posts.

Earlier today I was bored and I was Online, so I started browsing through my blog roll when I came upon a blog which had not been updated since quite sometime. I decided to drop a word to the owner to start blogging again, but was surprised to discover that his blog had been deleted. After abit of searching I got to know that while his blog had been indeed deleted, the author felt that his blog had filled it's purpose as well.

This all got me to thinking that is there a purpose to my blogging?!

Personally I came up with a negative answer. But after putting so much time, energy and effort into it, I would like to believe otherwise.

My stint of creative writing on web started with a few stories that I posted in Orkut forums. Initially these were pretty sex charged but then I moved on to something more heart tugging. I completed one entire story, it was called 'A Whole Lotta Love'. It was pretty well received, I believe.

A few months later I started part two of the saga 'Whatever It Takes'. I even published a few chapters but then I ditched it completely. At first I was genuinely busy with exams and college, but then later on I lost interest in it. It still lies uncompleted. I do have the entire story line planned in my head but I don't see myself penning it down anytime soon. Even if I want to I believe that I can't. I am not interested in it!

I briefly; twice to be exact, wrote for the very awesome and my personal blog Idol Crazy Sam's blog - Crazy Sam's Bloginess. However soon I branched out to my own and here I am running three blogs somewhat in the middle of success and failure. After writing fiction for so long, it feels nice to write something that's more real. Something that I pull from the inside of my heart and not from my brain.

However the question about the purpose still exists like a big bad wolf in my mind.

I like sharing details about my life here. It gives me a space to breath and be myself. Besides that, I occasionally "lecture" on various issues like relationship and dating - but that's rare. Sometimes I go on a rant, and then there are those patriotic moments. But there isn't any consistency, and that worries me in a weird sort of way.

At some point regardless of whether I find a guy for myself or not, I will stop posting about guys. I will stop posting about relationships. I will stop posting about dating. I have never really posted about sex, but even those would become a rarity. Maybe this may mean that I will stop posting altogether.

I don't know about all that right now. I don't even know if this blog will last that long. Google tends to delete blogs with explicit content. While I keep my blog porn free, I occasionally do put up some really steamy images. No point denying it. We all have salivated over those images!

But hot pics and funny tales of stupid guys can not go on forever. I certainly do not want to be posting about dating when I'm fifty something. Certain things are better left for the wild young hearts.

At fifty I either expect to be settled with a partner and have already spent at least fifteen years together or be a single dad of two awesome children. But those all are dreams, and before I could blog about them they need to happen. For real!

Right now blogging seems to be going in no direction. I feel it's time to pull out the big guns and get down to some serious soul searching writing. Looking at my published posts there are so many things that I need to tell you guys. I think I'll start with my coming out to Amanda, with posts of Josh and some random rants in the middle. What do you say?

Also if you remember I posted about writing fan fictions of my favorite programs. I can't believe I'll be posting links for these on my blog. I'm so going to be loosing whatever credibility I have built but since it's all about exposing the soul here, I also have to put up the things I am ashamed about - even the dirty laundry needs to be hung out so that it dries. LOL!

Okay so here's the link for my work on Vampire Diaries and here is the link for my work on True Blood. As I have mentioned in the disclaimer - This is a story about characters from the television show. It is a work of fiction (My Dirty Dirty Dirty imagination and lots of free time), and I do not claim any knowledge about the private lives of actors appearing in the show. This story implies nothing about their sexuality. I do not own these characters. The only person who has ever known about this link before today is Nathan.

Oh, and in case anybody is wondering - I do not have any plans on posting any further installments on them either. Sorry to disappoint if you happened to like it. With my studies, I can only do one thing and I believe blogging is a much better outlet for my creativity.

Now tell me honestly, do you still think I'm all that nicety nice?

Where Dem Bloggers At?!

Recently a favorite blog of mine closed down, the author felt that the purpose of his blog was complete. His opinion, but in my opinion his blog could have gone on alot longer and I really liked reading his posts.

Earlier today I was bored and I was Online, so I started browsing through my blog roll when I came upon a blog which had not been updated since quite sometime. I decided to drop a word to the owner to start blogging again, but was surprised to discover that his blog had been deleted. After abit of searching I got to know that while his blog had been indeed deleted, the author felt that his blog had filled it's purpose as well.

This all got me to thinking that is there a purpose to my blogging?!

Personally I came up with a negative answer. But after putting so much time, energy and effort into it, I would like to believe otherwise.

My stint of creative writing on web started with a few stories that I posted in Orkut forums. Initially these were pretty sex charged but then I moved on to something more heart tugging. I completed one entire story, it was called 'A Whole Lotta Love'. It was pretty well received, I believe.

A few months later I started part two of the saga 'Whatever It Takes'. I even published a few chapters but then I ditched it completely. At first I was genuinely busy with exams and college, but then later on I lost interest in it. It still lies uncompleted. I do have the entire story line planned in my head but I don't see myself penning it down anytime soon. Even if I want to I believe that I can't. I am not interested in it!

I briefly; twice to be exact, wrote for the very awesome and my personal blog Idol Crazy Sam's blog - Crazy Sam's Bloginess. However soon I branched out to my own and here I am running three blogs somewhat in the middle of success and failure. After writing fiction for so long, it feels nice to write something that's more real. Something that I pull from the inside of my heart and not from my brain.

However the question about the purpose still exists like a big bad wolf in my mind.

I like sharing details about my life here. It gives me a space to breath and be myself. Besides that, I occasionally "lecture" on various issues like relationship and dating - but that's rare. Sometimes I go on a rant, and then there are those patriotic moments. But there isn't any consistency, and that worries me in a weird sort of way.

At some point regardless of whether I find a guy for myself or not, I will stop posting about guys. I will stop posting about relationships. I will stop posting about dating. I have never really posted about sex, but even those would become a rarity. Maybe this may mean that I will stop posting altogether.

I don't know about all that right now. I don't even know if this blog will last that long. Google tends to delete blogs with explicit content. While I keep my blog porn free, I occasionally do put up some really steamy images. No point denying it. We all have salivated over those images!

But hot pics and funny tales of stupid guys can not go on forever. I certainly do not want to be posting about dating when I'm fifty something. Certain things are better left for the wild young hearts.

At fifty I either expect to be settled with a partner and have already spent at least fifteen years together or be a single dad of two awesome children. But those all are dreams, and before I could blog about them they need to happen. For real!

Right now blogging seems to be going in no direction. I feel it's time to pull out the big guns and get down to some serious soul searching writing. Looking at my published posts there are so many things that I need to tell you guys. I think I'll start with my coming out to Amanda, with posts of Josh and some random rants in the middle. What do you say?

Also if you remember I posted about writing fan fictions of my favorite programs. I can't believe I'll be posting links for these on my blog. I'm so going to be loosing whatever credibility I have built but since it's all about exposing the soul here, I also have to put up the things I am ashamed about - even the dirty laundry needs to be hung out so that it dries. LOL!

Okay so here's the link for my work on Vampire Diaries and here is the link for my work on True Blood. As I have mentioned in the disclaimer - This is a story about characters from the television show. It is a work of fiction (My Dirty Dirty Dirty imagination and lots of free time), and I do not claim any knowledge about the private lives of actors appearing in the show. This story implies nothing about their sexuality. I do not own these characters. The only person who has ever known about this link before today is Nathan.

Oh, and in case anybody is wondering - I do not have any plans on posting any further installments on them either. Sorry to disappoint if you happened to like it. With my studies, I can only do one thing and I believe blogging is a much better outlet for my creativity.

Now tell me honestly, do you still think I'm all that nicety nice?

Nothing But Cute and Happy

When browsing Online I can talk with the best of them and probably do it better than most. But my balloon pops when it comes to showing my picture. I'm not the sexiest or the hottest guy you'll ever meet. As I have said in the blog before, the word 'cute' is generally used to describe me. And I don't mind it much.

What can I do?

I was born this way, baby!

One of my earliest memories is from 1st Grade when my Urdu language teacher pinched my cheek and told me how cute I am. Later it was my 3rd and 4th Grade teacher. I think my 5th Grade teacher said something as well, but I don't quite remember it. I was her prize pupil, which I remember clearly. Then I changed schools and my new school gave me the same treatment. For some reason, people loved pulling my cheek. Josh commented on it once as well that I have very 'pullable' cheeks and he's not the only one to say so. There have been others as well. So I had this fact down long before I even stepped into the Online world of cruising.

But now that I came here, the rules of the game drastically changed my perception. I contacted guys and some of them responded back. Sometimes I would get a message out of the blue from some guy who seemed genuinely interested. Everything went smooth and fine up till the time came to show my pictures. Except for the few that I have went out with, the rest either always stopped talking to me or changed in how the would respond to my messages. They didn't need to say it, I knew it already.

It used to bother me so much that I can't put it to words. I could have objected to their dark skin tone, acne, unkempt hair, slight belly or the double chin under development. But I didn't. As much as sometimes I feel repulsed by how someone looks, I do give them a chance to prove themselves as something more. Personality is far more important. What's the use of having a model material boyfriend if he doesn't give you respect?!

I have never asked for model looks but somehow have been blessed with such given my previous boyfriends, Bruce and Nathan. I realized that my problem really has no solution since nearly every guy out there has a six-pack check box on their check list. I resigned to being friends with what I could get and that worked for me. But just for a while!

"Why don't you put up your face picture?", Ryan suggested one day when I told him about my dilemma. "Sometimes guys you never thought would be interested in you, actually do stop for a second look at your profile and things can go somewhere."

"I know, but I can't take that risk. At least not while I am in Pakistan!", I told Ryan. I didn't tell Ryan that my rejection could possibly be due to the junk in my trunk - not that kind!

Then one day while randomly browsing, I was hit with a brilliant but a tad bit desperate idea. I wanted to check that if there was actually something wrong with me so I made a completely new profile. Every single detail on the profile was the same as my original profile. I didn't even change a single word in my 'About Me' section. The only difference between these two profiles was that the new profile held several of my face pictures - the same that I used on my other profiles except that they were hidden and could be only viewed if I allowed  the other person to see them. The other difference was the location. This profile didn't state my true location Pakistan. I put down United Kingdom.

Later when I logged on at night, I was actually surprised to see quite a few responses. They were the usual but still a response is a response. These people were fine with how I looked, and some even took the time to read my profile and respond keenly. I added them on messengers and chatted with some of them. These guys liked me. They really did like me!

I changed my profile location to 'Egypt' and got similar result. I didn't exactly get Harem quality but I am not looking for that either. These guys were decent, educated, looking for commitment and good looking enough to turn me on. Why should I care if none of them have the potential to grace Men's Health covers?!

All this was good, but why do I keep striking out in my homeland?!

Could it be because I look Indian and that's something of a rarity in United Kingdom and Egypt?

Certainly not!

So as a last try, I changed my location to 'Bangladesh' and from the meager population that resided there, I got a few responses. One guy really stood above the rest and I really could not believe that he was interested in me. He kept asking for my phone number which I obviously couldn't give him, but I later got an opportunity to talk to him on phone which I will post about later sometime.

But all this proved to me that I look okay if not good. I don't need to worry about how I look, the problem doesn't lie in me. God blessed me with a fully functioning body and I should be happy about it. I should not let my opinion on myself be changed by some guys. It lies in the minds of these guys, and if this is their criteria of judgment then it's a good thing that they kicked me to the curb.

I am not hesitant in sharing my picture anymore. If anybody likes me they have excellent taste and those who don't approve of me, they are welcome to walk around with a stick up their asses. 

Nothing But Cute and Happy

When browsing Online I can talk with the best of them and probably do it better than most. But my balloon pops when it comes to showing my picture. I'm not the sexiest or the hottest guy you'll ever meet. As I have said in the blog before, the word 'cute' is generally used to describe me. And I don't mind it much.

What can I do?

I was born this way, baby!

One of my earliest memories is from 1st Grade when my Urdu language teacher pinched my cheek and told me how cute I am. Later it was my 3rd and 4th Grade teacher. I think my 5th Grade teacher said something as well, but I don't quite remember it. I was her prize pupil, which I remember clearly. Then I changed schools and my new school gave me the same treatment. For some reason, people loved pulling my cheek. Josh commented on it once as well that I have very 'pullable' cheeks and he's not the only one to say so. There have been others as well. So I had this fact down long before I even stepped into the Online world of cruising.

But now that I came here, the rules of the game drastically changed my perception. I contacted guys and some of them responded back. Sometimes I would get a message out of the blue from some guy who seemed genuinely interested. Everything went smooth and fine up till the time came to show my pictures. Except for the few that I have went out with, the rest either always stopped talking to me or changed in how the would respond to my messages. They didn't need to say it, I knew it already.

It used to bother me so much that I can't put it to words. I could have objected to their dark skin tone, acne, unkempt hair, slight belly or the double chin under development. But I didn't. As much as sometimes I feel repulsed by how someone looks, I do give them a chance to prove themselves as something more. Personality is far more important. What's the use of having a model material boyfriend if he doesn't give you respect?!

I have never asked for model looks but somehow have been blessed with such given my previous boyfriends, Bruce and Nathan. I realized that my problem really has no solution since nearly every guy out there has a six-pack check box on their check list. I resigned to being friends with what I could get and that worked for me. But just for a while!

"Why don't you put up your face picture?", Ryan suggested one day when I told him about my dilemma. "Sometimes guys you never thought would be interested in you, actually do stop for a second look at your profile and things can go somewhere."

"I know, but I can't take that risk. At least not while I am in Pakistan!", I told Ryan. I didn't tell Ryan that my rejection could possibly be due to the junk in my trunk - not that kind!

Then one day while randomly browsing, I was hit with a brilliant but a tad bit desperate idea. I wanted to check that if there was actually something wrong with me so I made a completely new profile. Every single detail on the profile was the same as my original profile. I didn't even change a single word in my 'About Me' section. The only difference between these two profiles was that the new profile held several of my face pictures - the same that I used on my other profiles except that they were hidden and could be only viewed if I allowed  the other person to see them. The other difference was the location. This profile didn't state my true location Pakistan. I put down United Kingdom.

Later when I logged on at night, I was actually surprised to see quite a few responses. They were the usual but still a response is a response. These people were fine with how I looked, and some even took the time to read my profile and respond keenly. I added them on messengers and chatted with some of them. These guys liked me. They really did like me!

I changed my profile location to 'Egypt' and got similar result. I didn't exactly get Harem quality but I am not looking for that either. These guys were decent, educated, looking for commitment and good looking enough to turn me on. Why should I care if none of them have the potential to grace Men's Health covers?!

All this was good, but why do I keep striking out in my homeland?!

Could it be because I look Indian and that's something of a rarity in United Kingdom and Egypt?

Certainly not!

So as a last try, I changed my location to 'Bangladesh' and from the meager population that resided there, I got a few responses. One guy really stood above the rest and I really could not believe that he was interested in me. He kept asking for my phone number which I obviously couldn't give him, but I later got an opportunity to talk to him on phone which I will post about later sometime.

But all this proved to me that I look okay if not good. I don't need to worry about how I look, the problem doesn't lie in me. God blessed me with a fully functioning body and I should be happy about it. I should not let my opinion on myself be changed by some guys. It lies in the minds of these guys, and if this is their criteria of judgment then it's a good thing that they kicked me to the curb.

I am not hesitant in sharing my picture anymore. If anybody likes me they have excellent taste and those who don't approve of me, they are welcome to walk around with a stick up their asses. 

New Directions

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional!

Now I have no idea whose brilliant mind came up with this most amazing piece of truth, and I believe most of you would agree with me on it. Those of you who happen to disagree, you still have some growing up to do! :p

Maturity is no doubt a must have. A necessity for everyone who wants to do something, go somewhere, become someone. It gives a person's life direction, his actions a motive, his thoughts reason, his mind stability, his body the strength and lastly his soul patience. In short, maturity gives life meaning!

I feel a large part of my setbacks in life are due to me not acting my age. I was perfectly aware of what I should have done but I didn't which is unbelievably stupid on my part. Lately I have been asking myself alot of 'If' questions, and the more I ask myself these questions I realize that I had the right answers to them all along but I didn't do what I was supposed to do. As a result of my stupidity, I parted ways with someone truly spectacular and lost a truly fantastic opportunity. If I had been a little wiser with my actions, I feel I could have been in a much happier place right now. I may have grown up in the context of accepting my sexuality but elsewhere I feel there is alot of growing for me to do in several other departments of my personality.

A few days back I was discussing with Ryan about these thoughts. His reply was completely generic and made me want to push him off the bench. But I realized that if I asked the same thing from ten different people, nine of them would tell me the exact same thing. I remember walking down the stairs of one of my college corridors and there's this poster that says 'Every time you fall, pick something up!'.

Thinking upon it, being mature does mean having to learn from your mistakes and making sure that they do not happen in the future. I am completely sure as to what I have to work on and I have already intended to bring this change in my life with a conscious effort. I do realize that this would be a drastic break through from how I usually process, which is quite a surprise to me since people refer to me as being mature. I feel myself as the complete opposite. Perhaps I'm being hyper critical about myself?!

There have been quite a few developments in my life lately, most notably being this guy with whom there is a chance of something happening. I'm not entirely sure about it yet myself but he's someone I am genuinely interested in. As usual there isn't just one voice to this new uprising. I am split between several different opinions. I'm weighing my options right now as to how to proceed into these restless water which flung me out so violently last September. More importantly, should I even go ahead with it?!

The best option right now seems to be to listen to my inner voice which is telling me to grow up. Be someone who's capable of handling the low points of a relationship, after all love isn't all fluffy pillows and heart shaped candies. Perhaps it's just an infatuation that I am feeling, and it would go away if I don't pay attention to it however impossible that seems to be right now.

Now if you will please excuse me, Phunk has some growing up to do!

New Directions

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional!

Now I have no idea whose brilliant mind came up with this most amazing piece of truth, and I believe most of you would agree with me on it. Those of you who happen to disagree, you still have some growing up to do! :p

Maturity is no doubt a must have. A necessity for everyone who wants to do something, go somewhere, become someone. It gives a person's life direction, his actions a motive, his thoughts reason, his mind stability, his body the strength and lastly his soul patience. In short, maturity gives life meaning!

I feel a large part of my setbacks in life are due to me not acting my age. I was perfectly aware of what I should have done but I didn't which is unbelievably stupid on my part. Lately I have been asking myself alot of 'If' questions, and the more I ask myself these questions I realize that I had the right answers to them all along but I didn't do what I was supposed to do. As a result of my stupidity, I parted ways with someone truly spectacular and lost a truly fantastic opportunity. If I had been a little wiser with my actions, I feel I could have been in a much happier place right now. I may have grown up in the context of accepting my sexuality but elsewhere I feel there is alot of growing for me to do in several other departments of my personality.

A few days back I was discussing with Ryan about these thoughts. His reply was completely generic and made me want to push him off the bench. But I realized that if I asked the same thing from ten different people, nine of them would tell me the exact same thing. I remember walking down the stairs of one of my college corridors and there's this poster that says 'Every time you fall, pick something up!'.

Thinking upon it, being mature does mean having to learn from your mistakes and making sure that they do not happen in the future. I am completely sure as to what I have to work on and I have already intended to bring this change in my life with a conscious effort. I do realize that this would be a drastic break through from how I usually process, which is quite a surprise to me since people refer to me as being mature. I feel myself as the complete opposite. Perhaps I'm being hyper critical about myself?!

There have been quite a few developments in my life lately, most notably being this guy with whom there is a chance of something happening. I'm not entirely sure about it yet myself but he's someone I am genuinely interested in. As usual there isn't just one voice to this new uprising. I am split between several different opinions. I'm weighing my options right now as to how to proceed into these restless water which flung me out so violently last September. More importantly, should I even go ahead with it?!

The best option right now seems to be to listen to my inner voice which is telling me to grow up. Be someone who's capable of handling the low points of a relationship, after all love isn't all fluffy pillows and heart shaped candies. Perhaps it's just an infatuation that I am feeling, and it would go away if I don't pay attention to it however impossible that seems to be right now.

Now if you will please excuse me, Phunk has some growing up to do!

Voices In My Head

The Farewell Party is the last event of our school year, right after that our study leave starts as we have our Cambridge papers in May. When my first year started Alex and I shared chemistry, physics and maths lectures. However by the end of the year, we had only physics in common. I had dropped maths because I had firmly decided upon medicine as my career and Alex felt engineering wasn't his thing.

Our physics professor was the absolute worst. While he may have known his stuff, he certainly couldn't teach. What's the use of his PhD?, I would often ask myself when his classes would have me gritting my teeth. He who helps himself is he who clears the exams was the rule of this class. He was absolutely horrible!

I had gotten to be really good friends with Alex's friends so we used to study together. Furthermore I got to know that Alex lived quite near to my place when I once saw him board the same bus that I usually do. When I asked him, I was very happy to know he lived about 15 minutes drive away from my place. As exams approached, we would often get together at his or my place to study physics.

One day I was over at his place as usual, we were solving past papers. We basically started doing the same paper and used to time ourselves. And just like that, one day while I was doing the paper Alex fell asleep. I didn't notice it until I was half way through the paper and I looked up to check on which question was Alex on. He was lying on the bed with his books cast aside and sleeping. I thought for a moment that he's taking a break, but when he didn't respond to my question about how much paper he is done with, that I got up to check on him and found him sleeping. Oh shit!

First thing in my mind was how serene and amazing he looked sleeping. I believe that's when my romantic/stalker-ish interest in watching the person I was in a relationship sleep started. Yeah, Alex started a whole bunch of fetishes inside me that I never knew of. "Kiss him, you fool!", my mind started screaming to me.

I froze!

The desire to kiss him burned greater by every passing second. My mind kept telling me that he won't wake up as I had tried waking him up earlier but wasn't successful at it. All you need to do is lean in and kiss him, my mind kept saying to me. I would admit that for a few seconds I felt like going ahead with it. He would never know, unless he wakes up. He seems like a deep sleeper, he would never know.

A part of me was also scared that if I do kiss him, what would happen next? Would the feelings intensify? Could they intensify more than what they are now? And then after every few seconds from somewhere inside me a voice would scream, "What if he wakes up?" and I decided to move as further away from him as possible.

His brothers were at school. His parents were off to work. Nobody was home! I would never get such a perfect opportunity anytime else, but I wasn't going to risk it. Yeah, I was pretty desperate for Alex. But I wasn't so desperate that I would risk my friendship for a kiss. I stepped out of the room and settled into the lounge. My mind was so messed up that I couldn't study even if I wanted to.

At about 2PM, I heard the front gate opening and I knew his mother was home. I darted to Alex's room where he was still sleeping. About five minutes later, his mom came in and found Alex sleeping. She asked me since when has he been sleeping. "Since an hour, I suppose!", I lied. "I tried to wake him up but nothing worked!" I told her.

To my surprise, she slapped him. "That's the only way to wake him up!", she told me with a smile. I was half shocked and half amused.

"I'm setting up the table! Come have lunch!", she told us and left the room.

"Sorry, Phunk!" Alex mumbled. "I was studying pretty late last night and didn't get much sleep! Did you complete the paper?", he asked.

"Did you know you snored?", I lied with a smirk.

"What?!", he asked wide awake now. "I do not snore!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, you do! I heard you snore for 4 hours, I know you snore!" I joked.

I packed my stuff, excused myself from lunch and left for home. I had a semi hard-on for a good amount of time at Alex's place. As I got home, I regretted for not having kissed him. But now I realized it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Sexuality is a delicate thing. Best not mess with it!

Voices In My Head

The Farewell Party is the last event of our school year, right after that our study leave starts as we have our Cambridge papers in May. When my first year started Alex and I shared chemistry, physics and maths lectures. However by the end of the year, we had only physics in common. I had dropped maths because I had firmly decided upon medicine as my career and Alex felt engineering wasn't his thing.

Our physics professor was the absolute worst. While he may have known his stuff, he certainly couldn't teach. What's the use of his PhD?, I would often ask myself when his classes would have me gritting my teeth. He who helps himself is he who clears the exams was the rule of this class. He was absolutely horrible!

I had gotten to be really good friends with Alex's friends so we used to study together. Furthermore I got to know that Alex lived quite near to my place when I once saw him board the same bus that I usually do. When I asked him, I was very happy to know he lived about 15 minutes drive away from my place. As exams approached, we would often get together at his or my place to study physics.

One day I was over at his place as usual, we were solving past papers. We basically started doing the same paper and used to time ourselves. And just like that, one day while I was doing the paper Alex fell asleep. I didn't notice it until I was half way through the paper and I looked up to check on which question was Alex on. He was lying on the bed with his books cast aside and sleeping. I thought for a moment that he's taking a break, but when he didn't respond to my question about how much paper he is done with, that I got up to check on him and found him sleeping. Oh shit!

First thing in my mind was how serene and amazing he looked sleeping. I believe that's when my romantic/stalker-ish interest in watching the person I was in a relationship sleep started. Yeah, Alex started a whole bunch of fetishes inside me that I never knew of. "Kiss him, you fool!", my mind started screaming to me.

I froze!

The desire to kiss him burned greater by every passing second. My mind kept telling me that he won't wake up as I had tried waking him up earlier but wasn't successful at it. All you need to do is lean in and kiss him, my mind kept saying to me. I would admit that for a few seconds I felt like going ahead with it. He would never know, unless he wakes up. He seems like a deep sleeper, he would never know.

A part of me was also scared that if I do kiss him, what would happen next? Would the feelings intensify? Could they intensify more than what they are now? And then after every few seconds from somewhere inside me a voice would scream, "What if he wakes up?" and I decided to move as further away from him as possible.

His brothers were at school. His parents were off to work. Nobody was home! I would never get such a perfect opportunity anytime else, but I wasn't going to risk it. Yeah, I was pretty desperate for Alex. But I wasn't so desperate that I would risk my friendship for a kiss. I stepped out of the room and settled into the lounge. My mind was so messed up that I couldn't study even if I wanted to.

At about 2PM, I heard the front gate opening and I knew his mother was home. I darted to Alex's room where he was still sleeping. About five minutes later, his mom came in and found Alex sleeping. She asked me since when has he been sleeping. "Since an hour, I suppose!", I lied. "I tried to wake him up but nothing worked!" I told her.

To my surprise, she slapped him. "That's the only way to wake him up!", she told me with a smile. I was half shocked and half amused.

"I'm setting up the table! Come have lunch!", she told us and left the room.

"Sorry, Phunk!" Alex mumbled. "I was studying pretty late last night and didn't get much sleep! Did you complete the paper?", he asked.

"Did you know you snored?", I lied with a smirk.

"What?!", he asked wide awake now. "I do not snore!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, you do! I heard you snore for 4 hours, I know you snore!" I joked.

I packed my stuff, excused myself from lunch and left for home. I had a semi hard-on for a good amount of time at Alex's place. As I got home, I regretted for not having kissed him. But now I realized it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Sexuality is a delicate thing. Best not mess with it!

Naughty And Nice

Last week in a gathering of friends, we ran into a discussion of a certain trait that we hate most about ourselves. I lied at my turn. I told them that I have no idea. Well it wasn’t entirely a lie. I do have a certain amount of idea about what I hate most. The reality is that I’m somewhat of a sadist!

Yeah, you read right!

I, Phunk Factor, in my sound state of mind openly declare that I’m a frigg’in sadist. I’m not talking about the whips, chains, leather kind of sadist. I’m more of an emotional sadist. I like to hurt my significant other, to make him realize that he needs to pay attention to me. I like to hurt my significant other, if he hurt me. And I like to hurt him hard. Really really hard!

Once again, I’m not talking about something like landing a punch or something on him. But something like ignoring his messages, not calling him up, making him wait. Anything to make say something that will tell me that he loves me. Yeah, I’m not all Mr. Nice Guy!

I hate that I feel the need to resort to such measures. I absolutely hate it! I have to fight an internal battle to keep these frigg’in urges under control and not let them take over my sense of reasoning and logic. While I’m on the roll of confessing, I need to make another confession. I find myself unfit of getting into a relationship because of this particular habit of mine. I cannot trust myself, so how will another person trust me?!

When I was with Nathan, I had to suppress this monster inside me constantly. I had to tell him to shut up and sit in a corner like a little brat. It was something I needed to do. I really did love Nathan, and that’s the frigg’in problem in this whole situation. The more I love someone and the more this monster is susceptible to break loose and go on a rampage. When I get signals that things are not going well, I feel like doing something crazy in order to make the other person realize that I exist. I’m not at all into bondage; I find it kind of cruel to be very honest. Then why do I feel this stupid craze to land a sick punch on his heart and shake him up super-bad?!

As a partner, it’s one of my responsibilities to protect my significant other from all harm possible. But how do I protect him against myself? Thinking about this the other night, I realized that maybe I need to stay single for a greater period now. Figure myself out further and find some way I can lock this monster once and for all. Maybe then only will I be able to find someone to love truly, deeply, madly. Whatever inside me that lies damaged and broken, I need to fix it.

The next day Ryan showed up with a cake to celebrate something which I will discuss in a later post. I told him that I wanted to stay single and not date anybody. Ryan strongly disagreed. He insisted that I needed to put myself out there. Upon that I told him that I’m scared to do that, because I do not want to fall in love. “If I love someone I can’t keep my big mouth shut for long. I am going to say something so as to get a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ out of him, and then move forward or move on.”, I told him. “And I do not want to hurt anybody else!”

I feel a little guilty at times even now of getting Nathan involved, things would have been so much uncomplicated for him had I just kept my big mouth shut.

After that I confessed about this side of me, Ryan is the first person I have ever discussed it with. I had told him sometime ago but I didn’t go into details. This time I went into every possible detail I could remember and laid it all out on him. He had a completely different take on it, which maybe just as possible as my conclusion.

According to Ryan, I’m too nice. I’m way too nice. I’m so nice that I’m door-mat nice!

In simpler words, I’m submissive. I do as I’m told, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t announce my displeasure at something, when I need to. I keep it all to myself. This creates a weird negativity inside me, which makes me think crazy thoughts. The whole point of being in a relationship is that there is a mutual acceptance of ideas, thoughts and opinions. He recalled several events with Nathan on which I should have said something but I kept my mouth shut. He instructed me strictly that if and when I get into a relationship, I need to be more open of what I want and what I feel. It’s not always rose petals and satin sheets. It should not be!

“Besides if someone falls for you, I will pose as your crazy stalker and chase him away!” Ryan debilitated. LOL!

I do feel that maybe that is the case. I should not be such a satee-savitree. I should be some more of Cruella Devil, minus all the cigarettes, skunk dyed hair and fur products. I’m anti-fur, you see! I believe that all of God’s creatures deserve to live and should not be killed to make clothes that will go out of style a season later. No siree!

So who ever comes up next, get ready for a lot more than just love bites! I’m going to rock our love-boat, make sure you go over-board and dive in after you. No Titanic, but do we really need another Ocean Liner disaster? ;)

Naughty And Nice

Last week in a gathering of friends, we ran into a discussion of a certain trait that we hate most about ourselves. I lied at my turn. I told them that I have no idea. Well it wasn’t entirely a lie. I do have a certain amount of idea about what I hate most. The reality is that I’m somewhat of a sadist!

Yeah, you read right!

I, Phunk Factor, in my sound state of mind openly declare that I’m a frigg’in sadist. I’m not talking about the whips, chains, leather kind of sadist. I’m more of an emotional sadist. I like to hurt my significant other, to make him realize that he needs to pay attention to me. I like to hurt my significant other, if he hurt me. And I like to hurt him hard. Really really hard!

Once again, I’m not talking about something like landing a punch or something on him. But something like ignoring his messages, not calling him up, making him wait. Anything to make say something that will tell me that he loves me. Yeah, I’m not all Mr. Nice Guy!

I hate that I feel the need to resort to such measures. I absolutely hate it! I have to fight an internal battle to keep these frigg’in urges under control and not let them take over my sense of reasoning and logic. While I’m on the roll of confessing, I need to make another confession. I find myself unfit of getting into a relationship because of this particular habit of mine. I cannot trust myself, so how will another person trust me?!

When I was with Nathan, I had to suppress this monster inside me constantly. I had to tell him to shut up and sit in a corner like a little brat. It was something I needed to do. I really did love Nathan, and that’s the frigg’in problem in this whole situation. The more I love someone and the more this monster is susceptible to break loose and go on a rampage. When I get signals that things are not going well, I feel like doing something crazy in order to make the other person realize that I exist. I’m not at all into bondage; I find it kind of cruel to be very honest. Then why do I feel this stupid craze to land a sick punch on his heart and shake him up super-bad?!

As a partner, it’s one of my responsibilities to protect my significant other from all harm possible. But how do I protect him against myself? Thinking about this the other night, I realized that maybe I need to stay single for a greater period now. Figure myself out further and find some way I can lock this monster once and for all. Maybe then only will I be able to find someone to love truly, deeply, madly. Whatever inside me that lies damaged and broken, I need to fix it.

The next day Ryan showed up with a cake to celebrate something which I will discuss in a later post. I told him that I wanted to stay single and not date anybody. Ryan strongly disagreed. He insisted that I needed to put myself out there. Upon that I told him that I’m scared to do that, because I do not want to fall in love. “If I love someone I can’t keep my big mouth shut for long. I am going to say something so as to get a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ out of him, and then move forward or move on.”, I told him. “And I do not want to hurt anybody else!”

I feel a little guilty at times even now of getting Nathan involved, things would have been so much uncomplicated for him had I just kept my big mouth shut.

After that I confessed about this side of me, Ryan is the first person I have ever discussed it with. I had told him sometime ago but I didn’t go into details. This time I went into every possible detail I could remember and laid it all out on him. He had a completely different take on it, which maybe just as possible as my conclusion.

According to Ryan, I’m too nice. I’m way too nice. I’m so nice that I’m door-mat nice!

In simpler words, I’m submissive. I do as I’m told, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t announce my displeasure at something, when I need to. I keep it all to myself. This creates a weird negativity inside me, which makes me think crazy thoughts. The whole point of being in a relationship is that there is a mutual acceptance of ideas, thoughts and opinions. He recalled several events with Nathan on which I should have said something but I kept my mouth shut. He instructed me strictly that if and when I get into a relationship, I need to be more open of what I want and what I feel. It’s not always rose petals and satin sheets. It should not be!

“Besides if someone falls for you, I will pose as your crazy stalker and chase him away!” Ryan debilitated. LOL!

I do feel that maybe that is the case. I should not be such a satee-savitree. I should be some more of Cruella Devil, minus all the cigarettes, skunk dyed hair and fur products. I’m anti-fur, you see! I believe that all of God’s creatures deserve to live and should not be killed to make clothes that will go out of style a season later. No siree!

So who ever comes up next, get ready for a lot more than just love bites! I’m going to rock our love-boat, make sure you go over-board and dive in after you. No Titanic, but do we really need another Ocean Liner disaster? ;)

No Girls Allowed

I rarely remember the things that come in my dreams, but what I dreamt of last night I shall never be able to forget. Before you start thinking that it was one of the most amazing dreams I could ever have where I was making out the hottest guy anyone could imagine, let me stop you!

I was not dreaming about a guy. I was not dreaming about ANY guy. Infact I was dreaming about a girl. Yes, I had my first ever wet dream involving a girl. However I also think it will be my last. Want to know why?

My brain doesn’t like it when I dream about girls. The dislike is to such an extent that it sabotages my dreams, so that they become living nightmares. I’m not kidding you! When I woke up in the morning today, I rechecked my surroundings to see if life was still the same as it was when I went to sleep. Yeah, my brain totally kicked my first female wet dream’s ass.

It started out innocent enough. I was laying next to this blonde chick. I do not find blondes attractive. I admit I like my guys with paler shades of hair. But I prefer females in shades of rich brunettes, kind of like Hillary Duff. I loved her Dignity era make-over. Anyhow back to my dream. Strangely enough, she couldn’t speak English or Urdu. We were talking in some weird sign language. Could she be Russian?

If so, oh man! Loosing virginity to a Russian woman would be so cool. Who manages their first time with Russian lass?!

Well except Russian lads, that is! :p

So we were laying on the bed, at first just some talking going on. Eventually it moves to us getting undressed and we get on with the dirty deed. So I’m on her and basically doing everything a man does to a woman. We’re kissing! We’re love biting! We’re running our hands through each other’s hair which by the way is completely awesome! We’re humping, or I’m humping and she’s getting humped! And…my parents burst into the room!

WTF! WTF! WTF!

I can’t begin to recall how many explicit wet dreams I’ve had involving guys and not a single one of them has ever been interrupted by my parents. Not a single one!

“What the hell are you doing?”, my mom screams.

“What are you doing here?”, I reply back.

“We came to check on if you were studying or sleeping!”, my dad responds.

“Get out! Get out!”, I start shouting. Thankfully I wrapped the sheet around myself and her, even my dreams self is extremely self-conscious.

I push them out of the room and follow them out, still in sheets. “What the heck were you doing?”, my mom asks again.

“What does it look I was doing?”

“Why the hell were you having sex?” my dad asks.

“I wanted to know if I can have sex with a woman even though I’m gay!” I scream.

“Your gay?!” they respond in unison.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I recall some more fighting taking place and me screaming out of this huge castle tower, “I’m gay! I’m gay!”, I do believe my parents did something like locking me up there.

I woke up from it all with this weird spinning feeling in my head. I looked around and about to see where I was. For a moment I thought it had really happened and I buried myself in blankets. But then I remembered that I have a presentation due today and realized I have to get my butt to college by 9AM.  

Whew! I’m still in the closet!

I lay back and recalled the entire dream. I don’t know why but I just did it, and then I erupted into snorting laughter. So it’s settled now, I’m meant to be gay. If I try to be straight, my brain will sabotage me and ruin whatever I am trying to do. Guess I’m stuck with guys!

Sorry girls! You have to count me out. My mind is reserving me a guys!

No Girls Allowed

I rarely remember the things that come in my dreams, but what I dreamt of last night I shall never be able to forget. Before you start thinking that it was one of the most amazing dreams I could ever have where I was making out the hottest guy anyone could imagine, let me stop you!

I was not dreaming about a guy. I was not dreaming about ANY guy. Infact I was dreaming about a girl. Yes, I had my first ever wet dream involving a girl. However I also think it will be my last. Want to know why?

My brain doesn’t like it when I dream about girls. The dislike is to such an extent that it sabotages my dreams, so that they become living nightmares. I’m not kidding you! When I woke up in the morning today, I rechecked my surroundings to see if life was still the same as it was when I went to sleep. Yeah, my brain totally kicked my first female wet dream’s ass.

It started out innocent enough. I was laying next to this blonde chick. I do not find blondes attractive. I admit I like my guys with paler shades of hair. But I prefer females in shades of rich brunettes, kind of like Hillary Duff. I loved her Dignity era make-over. Anyhow back to my dream. Strangely enough, she couldn’t speak English or Urdu. We were talking in some weird sign language. Could she be Russian?

If so, oh man! Loosing virginity to a Russian woman would be so cool. Who manages their first time with Russian lass?!

Well except Russian lads, that is! :p

So we were laying on the bed, at first just some talking going on. Eventually it moves to us getting undressed and we get on with the dirty deed. So I’m on her and basically doing everything a man does to a woman. We’re kissing! We’re love biting! We’re running our hands through each other’s hair which by the way is completely awesome! We’re humping, or I’m humping and she’s getting humped! And…my parents burst into the room!

WTF! WTF! WTF!

I can’t begin to recall how many explicit wet dreams I’ve had involving guys and not a single one of them has ever been interrupted by my parents. Not a single one!

“What the hell are you doing?”, my mom screams.

“What are you doing here?”, I reply back.

“We came to check on if you were studying or sleeping!”, my dad responds.

“Get out! Get out!”, I start shouting. Thankfully I wrapped the sheet around myself and her, even my dreams self is extremely self-conscious.

I push them out of the room and follow them out, still in sheets. “What the heck were you doing?”, my mom asks again.

“What does it look I was doing?”

“Why the hell were you having sex?” my dad asks.

“I wanted to know if I can have sex with a woman even though I’m gay!” I scream.

“Your gay?!” they respond in unison.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I recall some more fighting taking place and me screaming out of this huge castle tower, “I’m gay! I’m gay!”, I do believe my parents did something like locking me up there.

I woke up from it all with this weird spinning feeling in my head. I looked around and about to see where I was. For a moment I thought it had really happened and I buried myself in blankets. But then I remembered that I have a presentation due today and realized I have to get my butt to college by 9AM.  

Whew! I’m still in the closet!

I lay back and recalled the entire dream. I don’t know why but I just did it, and then I erupted into snorting laughter. So it’s settled now, I’m meant to be gay. If I try to be straight, my brain will sabotage me and ruin whatever I am trying to do. Guess I’m stuck with guys!

Sorry girls! You have to count me out. My mind is reserving me a guys!

Is There A Doctor In The House?

Mrs Cohen is heartbroken. Her son has declared he's gay and intends to move in with his male lover. Mrs Goldblum comes round to comfort her. "Look on the bright side," she says. "He might be sleeping with another man, but at least he's a doctor..."

I read this joke somewhere earlier this week and wanted to share it with my mom. So I copy pasted the joke and emailed it to her - it's a trend with the two of us and also my mom loves getting any sort of mail. Yesterday I happened to remember it and asked her about it. She told me that she had read it and enjoyed it quite alot. To say that I was surprised, would be an understand. I predicted that she would enjoy it but not 'quite alot'. You see anything to do with homosexuality tends to put creases on my mother's forehead immediately.

I have wondered at times how it would be to have a boyfriend/life-partner who belongs to the same line of work as I do. I have no fetish for doctors but I must admit good doctor do tend to intrigue me. There is something about doctors that symbolizes determination, intelligence, a spark for life and class. People employed in the medical field - doctors, dentists, nurses, etc; have always had a certain advantage when it comes to being chosen as a life partner. In the Pakistani society getting married to a doctor - especially if you're not a doctor, is considered to be nothing less than amazing. In most eyes, you are instantly labeled as the 'It' couple. Everybody wants to be friends with you! Everybody wants you over for dinner! Everybody is in love with you! Why?

The answer is extremely simple but also incredibly stupid. Doctor/Doctor and Doctor/Non-Doctor couples have a higher chance of raising doctor babies. Making a good contact right now means your child could possibly be considered as a suitable match later on. In my opinion that's one of the most ridiculous things one can ever do because there is no guarantee that the baby which pops out of the so-called holy vagina is even going to choose this career or be successful at it.

Nowadays it's no longer about being a doctor. It's about being a great doctor. Keeping up with the latest medical trends, having the highest patient satisfactory rate, doing some ground breaking research and all that sort of stuff. Textbook supremacy is about as backward as black and white television.

Finding a gay doctor is going to be extremely hard. There are only five gay guys I know who are practicing medicine and two of them are completely off the shelf. I'm talking about Ryan and Junior, in case somebody is wondering. Given the restricted number of guys who are actually interested in establishing something long-term, it's going to be extremely difficult to find a doctor amongst them. Also is it going to be awkward sharing work space?

Perhaps!

Given that our entire agenda involves dealing with the public if the word gets out that we're gays, it could lead to a shift n the patient's notion about coming to us for a consultation. As bogus it is sounds, patients should not be considered with what I do outside of the hospital. But when he/she comes to me, it's his/her sand-box and I need to treat them to the best of my capabilities keeping my personal thoughts and feelings aside.

Doctors and dentists also tend to earn alot. By alot I mean freak'in filthy rich, wiping-asses-with-hundred-dollar-bills-rich! The first nine spots in the Biggest Earners list are held by various professions all belonging to the field of Health Care. CEOs grab the 10th spot, but the next five again belong to us again. However cushy our work sounds, it's extremely risky. Every patient who comes to us with whatever complaint be it a simple flu, a broken bone or cancer is hopeful and wants to get better. We have to do our job! We have to get them well soon! Malpractice is the real thing we have to worry about, that is omission by a health care provider that deviates from the norm and in turn causes injury or harm to the patient. That's shit scary!

Going back to doctors being top-notch earners, if the point of life comes along to adopt a child we would have the financial check box done with a big fat tick. But with the busy schedules doctors tend to have, is it advisable for both partners to be doctors?

I have alot of cousins who have married doctors and have kids of their own, they seem to be doing a good job. But a large part of the upbringing is being done by their parents aka the kids grandparents. Worth going to my mom for raising the kids?

I believe she's done a fantastic job with us guys. But the whole family set-up is definitely something my mother won't find easy to digest. And also, would landing a doctor partner, make it any easier for my parents to accept my sexuality any easier?

Once again, I'm doubtful about it. My parents- especially my mom would love to see her children have life partners who are doctor. But it's not a necessary thing. My elder sister is such a staunch follower of this rule that she doesn't even consider a proposal if it doesn't come from a doctor. By the way, my sister is a practicing doctor herself. She believes that work plays a very important part of the daily conversation at home and if her partner doesn't know a flu from a cold she would really have nothing to talk about with him. In my opinion, that's incredibly selfish and snobbish. But she's my sister so I can't say anything about this to her!

I've still got time and perhaps I'll date around to see what's out there. It's not a must for him to be in the Health Care business, it's just a plus point. I'm fine with almost anything except for porn stars, bull fighter, politicians, weather forecasters, castration experts, clowns - these are just a few I can name from the top of my head.

Also I'm going to completely loose it and strangle whoever asks me if I feel excited when performing a prostrate examination. I've done two and believe me, there is nothing pleasant about them. Yuck!

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On a separate note, this post happens to be my 100th post and the next post is going to be the Blog Awards post. I've got my eyes on a few blog who deserve these trinkets of appreciation!