Issues; Confused in Love

I am very good friends with a guy and I like him. I am not sure if he likes me the same way as I do. I do know that he's gay/bi, have not really discussed but he has slept around with some guys. I feel at times he isn't someone who would desire to be in a relationship. He even makes fun of them sometimes in front of me and our friends. But then he generally makes fun of the whole idea of being in love and being in a relationship. I have tried forgetting him but that has not worked well at all. I found myself thinking about him even more. I have never suggested or discussed the possibility of a relationship either in fear of loosing him. What should I do?

I think you already have the answer to your problem, and it is a big fat no, but let's go over it. So first things first, just because he has been with a couple of guys doesn't necessarily mean that he is into guys. One thing that I have come to realize over the past year is that sexuality doesn't necessarily generate into a specific sexual activity. People are very flexible towards sex nowadays, alot more than they would like to admit to themselves and others. I know a gay guy who has had sex with women, I can't exactly recall if he enjoyed it or not right now. Then I have come across straight guys who like to score an easy ass. They like to tap into our ever ready and ever willing horny gay brothers, who welcome them with open arms - or in this case, open legs. So to conclude just because he has fooled around with guys, does not imply towards his sexuality.

Secondly gay or bi, if he does not want to be in a relation there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And from the looks of it, I would say that he would not touch the relationship tag with a ten foot pole. It is your decision whether you voice these feelings or not, but it is his decision to reciprocate them equally towards you. Anything less from him is not only unfair to you, but also in time would not be enough for you. You would either want out or want more. Both may and probably would lead to a messy situation.

Last but frankly the most important, you have not mentioned if he is aware of the fact that you are attracted to guys. The reason I am saying this is that I have a feeling that he maybe a homophobe. However if you have told him and he is still friends with you then he is not. In the unfortunate circumstance that he happens to be one, believe me a relationship is the last thing you would want from him.

You already have the answer, buddy. You just need a push in the right direction. I would advice you to cool yourself down and give yourself time. Eventually you would move on, because eventually everyone moves on.

Oh and a big thank you for writing. I was out of ideas about what to post, but your E-mail gave me a few day break to get my thoughts together and come up with something. Thank you once again!

Issues; Confused in Love

I am very good friends with a guy and I like him. I am not sure if he likes me the same way as I do. I do know that he's gay/bi, have not really discussed but he has slept around with some guys. I feel at times he isn't someone who would desire to be in a relationship. He even makes fun of them sometimes in front of me and our friends. But then he generally makes fun of the whole idea of being in love and being in a relationship. I have tried forgetting him but that has not worked well at all. I found myself thinking about him even more. I have never suggested or discussed the possibility of a relationship either in fear of loosing him. What should I do?

I think you already have the answer to your problem, and it is a big fat no, but let's go over it. So first things first, just because he has been with a couple of guys doesn't necessarily mean that he is into guys. One thing that I have come to realize over the past year is that sexuality doesn't necessarily generate into a specific sexual activity. People are very flexible towards sex nowadays, alot more than they would like to admit to themselves and others. I know a gay guy who has had sex with women, I can't exactly recall if he enjoyed it or not right now. Then I have come across straight guys who like to score an easy ass. They like to tap into our ever ready and ever willing horny gay brothers, who welcome them with open arms - or in this case, open legs. So to conclude just because he has fooled around with guys, does not imply towards his sexuality.

Secondly gay or bi, if he does not want to be in a relation there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And from the looks of it, I would say that he would not touch the relationship tag with a ten foot pole. It is your decision whether you voice these feelings or not, but it is his decision to reciprocate them equally towards you. Anything less from him is not only unfair to you, but also in time would not be enough for you. You would either want out or want more. Both may and probably would lead to a messy situation.

Last but frankly the most important, you have not mentioned if he is aware of the fact that you are attracted to guys. The reason I am saying this is that I have a feeling that he maybe a homophobe. However if you have told him and he is still friends with you then he is not. In the unfortunate circumstance that he happens to be one, believe me a relationship is the last thing you would want from him.

You already have the answer, buddy. You just need a push in the right direction. I would advice you to cool yourself down and give yourself time. Eventually you would move on, because eventually everyone moves on.

Oh and a big thank you for writing. I was out of ideas about what to post, but your E-mail gave me a few day break to get my thoughts together and come up with something. Thank you once again!

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 2

I had big ass butterflies in my stomach that entire day. The previous night when I was lying on the bed, I promised myself that I would tell Amanda about myself the coming morning. However every time I would run into Amanda or was about to run into Amanda, my feet would do a double take and I would duck in to some corridor, lecture hall or ward. I knew if I didn't tell Amanda before the day got over, I'm going to be sick from self-disgust the same night.

Fortunately after my daily rotation I was standing outside the cafeteria where Amanda came up to order. "Hey! How are you?", she asked me.

"I'm good. You?", I asked. We started talking as usual, and I realized that while I did want to come out to her I didn't know how to steer the conversation to such a point when I could actually bring this up. I didn't have the guts to start talking about girls but my stomach kept tying itself into knots with every passing second. My replies and contributions to the conversation were sharp and short. It was like my mind was functioning somewhere else, and only my body was present in the college grounds.

"Do you trust me?", she asked.

"Ofcourse I do!", I told her. I did trust her. If I didn't, I would not be considering telling her about myself.

"I was talking to one of your friends earlier today. He told me that you do not trust anybody in this college, and that's why you haven't told anybody who you like!", she told me. She seemed hurt. "I told him that you really do not like anyone, even though I do not entirely believe it myself."

"Okay! Firstly thanks alot for sticking up for me!", I replied. "Secondly..", I began typing hastily into my cell phone. "Read this super quietly and please please please do not scream!", I told her sternly. My hands had gone cold and were shaking. I gave her my cell phone. She was totally confused, and I could read it on her face.

She took the cell phone. She has brown eyes but sometime likes to wear green contact lenses which make her eyes look bigger than they actually are, and even more so when she outlines them with mascara. Her already very wide eyes grew even more wide. It seemed that she was paused. She handed me the cell phone back, but didn't say anything. I thought I was going to loose her now.

"Since when?", she asked. "Since when have you known that your gay?", she repeated explaining her question.

"I realized it when I was sixteen, but I can date my earliest attraction towards guys when I was eight years old!", I told her quietly.

"So you have always liked guys?", she asked again.

"Yeah!", I replied.

"And there hasn't been a single girl who has roused interest in you?", she asked.

"I do like girls, but not like a straight guy does!", I told her. "If you are uncomfortable with me being gay, you can end our friendship." I told her. I would never force anyone into being in my company if they find my sexuality unsettling.

"Oh shut up. You are so much better than the straight guys I know!", she told me. I smiled a little at that compliment. "There was something different about you. But I never expected you to be gay.", she started babbling.

I laughed at her previous remark. "What was your opinion?", I asked her.

"Okay don't freak out, but I always thought you were secretly engaged since birth!", she confessed.

I started laughing uncontrollably. "Seriously?", I asked to confirm. "You seriously thought I was engaged?!"

"Yeah yeah whatever!", she grumbled. "Okay so now that I know your gay, who do you really like?", she asked me.

"Will you ever let go of this question?!", I responded. My body had started functioning normally again, it felt so good drinking soda. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off my body.

"Had you not told me, I would have eventually moved on. But now I'm so interested in knowing everything about you.", she said with the biggest ever smile on her face.

Good God! What have I done?

In the coming weeks I told Amanda everything that you all know about me, and some I haven't posted about here yet. She told me that I'm a 'Rachael Berry', which I will post about sometime else. 

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 2

I had big ass butterflies in my stomach that entire day. The previous night when I was lying on the bed, I promised myself that I would tell Amanda about myself the coming morning. However every time I would run into Amanda or was about to run into Amanda, my feet would do a double take and I would duck in to some corridor, lecture hall or ward. I knew if I didn't tell Amanda before the day got over, I'm going to be sick from self-disgust the same night.

Fortunately after my daily rotation I was standing outside the cafeteria where Amanda came up to order. "Hey! How are you?", she asked me.

"I'm good. You?", I asked. We started talking as usual, and I realized that while I did want to come out to her I didn't know how to steer the conversation to such a point when I could actually bring this up. I didn't have the guts to start talking about girls but my stomach kept tying itself into knots with every passing second. My replies and contributions to the conversation were sharp and short. It was like my mind was functioning somewhere else, and only my body was present in the college grounds.

"Do you trust me?", she asked.

"Ofcourse I do!", I told her. I did trust her. If I didn't, I would not be considering telling her about myself.

"I was talking to one of your friends earlier today. He told me that you do not trust anybody in this college, and that's why you haven't told anybody who you like!", she told me. She seemed hurt. "I told him that you really do not like anyone, even though I do not entirely believe it myself."

"Okay! Firstly thanks alot for sticking up for me!", I replied. "Secondly..", I began typing hastily into my cell phone. "Read this super quietly and please please please do not scream!", I told her sternly. My hands had gone cold and were shaking. I gave her my cell phone. She was totally confused, and I could read it on her face.

She took the cell phone. She has brown eyes but sometime likes to wear green contact lenses which make her eyes look bigger than they actually are, and even more so when she outlines them with mascara. Her already very wide eyes grew even more wide. It seemed that she was paused. She handed me the cell phone back, but didn't say anything. I thought I was going to loose her now.

"Since when?", she asked. "Since when have you known that your gay?", she repeated explaining her question.

"I realized it when I was sixteen, but I can date my earliest attraction towards guys when I was eight years old!", I told her quietly.

"So you have always liked guys?", she asked again.

"Yeah!", I replied.

"And there hasn't been a single girl who has roused interest in you?", she asked.

"I do like girls, but not like a straight guy does!", I told her. "If you are uncomfortable with me being gay, you can end our friendship." I told her. I would never force anyone into being in my company if they find my sexuality unsettling.

"Oh shut up. You are so much better than the straight guys I know!", she told me. I smiled a little at that compliment. "There was something different about you. But I never expected you to be gay.", she started babbling.

I laughed at her previous remark. "What was your opinion?", I asked her.

"Okay don't freak out, but I always thought you were secretly engaged since birth!", she confessed.

I started laughing uncontrollably. "Seriously?", I asked to confirm. "You seriously thought I was engaged?!"

"Yeah yeah whatever!", she grumbled. "Okay so now that I know your gay, who do you really like?", she asked me.

"Will you ever let go of this question?!", I responded. My body had started functioning normally again, it felt so good drinking soda. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off my body.

"Had you not told me, I would have eventually moved on. But now I'm so interested in knowing everything about you.", she said with the biggest ever smile on her face.

Good God! What have I done?

In the coming weeks I told Amanda everything that you all know about me, and some I haven't posted about here yet. She told me that I'm a 'Rachael Berry', which I will post about sometime else. 

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 1

While we had become really good friends, I believe our next level of friendship was formed when Amanda started sharing her boy troubles with me. One fine day she asked me all of a sudden if differences in religious sects are taken into consideration during a marriage. I told her very blankly that most people prefer marrying people of their sect. If a marriage takes place in which the sects of the people involved are different, it's quite often looked down upon.

"Why did you ask me such a question?", I implored.

"A friend of mine shared her opinion on my idea of marrying a certain boy I like.", she replied.

"Somebody from your class?", I asked. "I'm talking about the boy, not the friend."

"No", she replied and began telling me about her boyfriend. I would admit that I was curious but I had no idea I would be extracting the information out of her with such ease. "And I'm trusting you with this so please do not tell it to anyone.", she added in the end.

"I won't. Promise!", I replied. "But why are you thinking of marriage right now? You are still in medical school for God's sake." I lectured her.

"I am not thinking. Just thinking!", she replied. This statement didn't make sense to me then, and I still don't get it.

"How religious are your parents? If they are very peculiar then there is a very good chance that they will not want you to marry him.", I told her. She didn't reply to that, but two weeks later she stopped talking to that boy.

She didn't tell me when she decided to split up. I felt that something was wrong one day and asked her if everything is alright. "Not feeling well!", she replied. I still wasn't convinced. I thought about asking if anything had happened between her and that guy she was seeing. But I didn't. It didn't seem right to me.

Later on when we were talking, she told me about the split. I didn't know what to do. I have never consoled a girl before, and I think consoling a boy is much easier than a girl.

Amanda went back to her usual chirpy self in a few days. Then a few weeks later she was crushing on a guy in my class. She badly wanted me to introduce her to him, but even I have never talked to him before. We shared a couple of friends, but that was all there was to it. There has never been a moment where we exchanged even a greeting. It's not that I hate him, it's just that he thinks he's better than everybody else. Okay, so maybe I do hate him!

I could not introduce the two so Amanda got to him through somebody else. "I'm telling you now, so that you don't have to hear it from anybody else. That's guy is the douche bag of all douche bags!", I warned her. I was more concerned with the fact that he was taking interest in Amanda. I didn't want him to use her. Amanda may seem pretty street smart, but I feel that she can be fooled easily.

I kept a close eye on the two, asking Amanda about the progress. "Why are you so interested if you think he's a douchebag?", she asked me.

"Because I care for you.", I told her. Realizing that it could be interpreted in a whole different sense I quickly added, "Like a sister!", and I meant it. Eventually the guy got bored with Amanda and stopped responding to her. Amanda took that as a clear signal and split from him. "Douchebag!", she mumbled when she told me about it.

Then last December she started talking to a new guy who's from a sister college. He sat next to her during exams, and they got to be friends. I got to know about it much later sometime in March. Knowing the reputation of the students from that college I asked her about his drinking habits. Her reply was positive, worse she was embarrassed.

"Have you been drinking with him?" I asked trying to sound as less accusatory as possible.

"No!", she snapped back. After some more talking I got to know alot about this guy. It's not just me, but anybody with common sense would have guessed that these two can not make a good couple what so ever. As they say, she's way out of his league.

She's a good student. He's flunked every subject two semesters in a row. She's very career orientated, already having planned what she wants to become. He's just doing this because his parents wanted him to be a doctor. She likes having fun but isn't a party animal. He's a complete party animal. This was the worst possible matches ever!

"I'm telling you right now, this won't go anywhere.", I was pissed at Amanda for being so boy crazy. She doesn't need to find a guy. When time comes, she will get married and the guy will actually be someone worthy of her.

"I should never tell you about the guys I like. You always find some flaw in them, and I can't help but over look it. I eventually have to break up.", she argued back. "Why don't you tell me about some of the girls you like and I'll see how well they suit you!", she challenged.

"You have already asked me twice before, and I told you that there is no girl that I like.", I replied. "It isn't neccessary to like someone. We come here to learn, not fall in love!". This was turning into a full war now. "I only want the best for you, and I'm telling you these guys suck big time. You deserve someone much better, and I'm not saying that just because I'm your friend."

"Shut up!", she replied and walked away. I was really mad at her, and I didn't bother going after her or talking to her. She was being an idiot and if she was going to make a mistake, I should let her.

Later that night she messaged me an apology. I felt that I should apologize as well. We started talking, and I began making fun of her taste in men. "So you really don't like any girl at all?", she asked me.

"It's late. Talk to you tomorrow!", I replied and put down my cell. Amanda has been on my list of people I want to come out to. I wanted to tell her really bad. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her tomorrow. It's time!

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 1

While we had become really good friends, I believe our next level of friendship was formed when Amanda started sharing her boy troubles with me. One fine day she asked me all of a sudden if differences in religious sects are taken into consideration during a marriage. I told her very blankly that most people prefer marrying people of their sect. If a marriage takes place in which the sects of the people involved are different, it's quite often looked down upon.

"Why did you ask me such a question?", I implored.

"A friend of mine shared her opinion on my idea of marrying a certain boy I like.", she replied.

"Somebody from your class?", I asked. "I'm talking about the boy, not the friend."

"No", she replied and began telling me about her boyfriend. I would admit that I was curious but I had no idea I would be extracting the information out of her with such ease. "And I'm trusting you with this so please do not tell it to anyone.", she added in the end.

"I won't. Promise!", I replied. "But why are you thinking of marriage right now? You are still in medical school for God's sake." I lectured her.

"I am not thinking. Just thinking!", she replied. This statement didn't make sense to me then, and I still don't get it.

"How religious are your parents? If they are very peculiar then there is a very good chance that they will not want you to marry him.", I told her. She didn't reply to that, but two weeks later she stopped talking to that boy.

She didn't tell me when she decided to split up. I felt that something was wrong one day and asked her if everything is alright. "Not feeling well!", she replied. I still wasn't convinced. I thought about asking if anything had happened between her and that guy she was seeing. But I didn't. It didn't seem right to me.

Later on when we were talking, she told me about the split. I didn't know what to do. I have never consoled a girl before, and I think consoling a boy is much easier than a girl.

Amanda went back to her usual chirpy self in a few days. Then a few weeks later she was crushing on a guy in my class. She badly wanted me to introduce her to him, but even I have never talked to him before. We shared a couple of friends, but that was all there was to it. There has never been a moment where we exchanged even a greeting. It's not that I hate him, it's just that he thinks he's better than everybody else. Okay, so maybe I do hate him!

I could not introduce the two so Amanda got to him through somebody else. "I'm telling you now, so that you don't have to hear it from anybody else. That's guy is the douche bag of all douche bags!", I warned her. I was more concerned with the fact that he was taking interest in Amanda. I didn't want him to use her. Amanda may seem pretty street smart, but I feel that she can be fooled easily.

I kept a close eye on the two, asking Amanda about the progress. "Why are you so interested if you think he's a douchebag?", she asked me.

"Because I care for you.", I told her. Realizing that it could be interpreted in a whole different sense I quickly added, "Like a sister!", and I meant it. Eventually the guy got bored with Amanda and stopped responding to her. Amanda took that as a clear signal and split from him. "Douchebag!", she mumbled when she told me about it.

Then last December she started talking to a new guy who's from a sister college. He sat next to her during exams, and they got to be friends. I got to know about it much later sometime in March. Knowing the reputation of the students from that college I asked her about his drinking habits. Her reply was positive, worse she was embarrassed.

"Have you been drinking with him?" I asked trying to sound as less accusatory as possible.

"No!", she snapped back. After some more talking I got to know alot about this guy. It's not just me, but anybody with common sense would have guessed that these two can not make a good couple what so ever. As they say, she's way out of his league.

She's a good student. He's flunked every subject two semesters in a row. She's very career orientated, already having planned what she wants to become. He's just doing this because his parents wanted him to be a doctor. She likes having fun but isn't a party animal. He's a complete party animal. This was the worst possible matches ever!

"I'm telling you right now, this won't go anywhere.", I was pissed at Amanda for being so boy crazy. She doesn't need to find a guy. When time comes, she will get married and the guy will actually be someone worthy of her.

"I should never tell you about the guys I like. You always find some flaw in them, and I can't help but over look it. I eventually have to break up.", she argued back. "Why don't you tell me about some of the girls you like and I'll see how well they suit you!", she challenged.

"You have already asked me twice before, and I told you that there is no girl that I like.", I replied. "It isn't neccessary to like someone. We come here to learn, not fall in love!". This was turning into a full war now. "I only want the best for you, and I'm telling you these guys suck big time. You deserve someone much better, and I'm not saying that just because I'm your friend."

"Shut up!", she replied and walked away. I was really mad at her, and I didn't bother going after her or talking to her. She was being an idiot and if she was going to make a mistake, I should let her.

Later that night she messaged me an apology. I felt that I should apologize as well. We started talking, and I began making fun of her taste in men. "So you really don't like any girl at all?", she asked me.

"It's late. Talk to you tomorrow!", I replied and put down my cell. Amanda has been on my list of people I want to come out to. I wanted to tell her really bad. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her tomorrow. It's time!

Do'in It Like Rihanna

This incident is a few weeks old, but it got lost in the draft posts. Recently somebody left a request to post on a similar topic so I decided it was time to put this one up for everyone to see.

I had been speaking to a guy who contacted me Online since a few weeks. We could not meet because I have been extremely busy in my schedule. There is literally not much room to do anything else besides studying and wanking. Kidd'in!

He seemed very decent from his conversation and spoke very eloquently. I remember that when he contacted me for the very first time, he actually had typed this extremely articulated message. Most people from the dating site can't spell correctly much less craft exquisitely. I responded to the message and we hit it off on a good note.

One of the first things I check before responding or contacting any profile is if the person is 'Single' or 'Married'. His profile mentioned him to be single, so I thought it was all cool. He did not consider mentioning this fact to me till a significant time had passed. Before knowing this we had talked alot, even on relationships. He appreciated the fact that I am looking for a monogamous relation as it is something that most people never bother with. I asked his stance on the issue.

"I'm also looking for a monogamous relationship!", he told me in his follow up message.

No!, I didn't immediately start considering him as a potential boyfriend. I don't get into a relationship simply because the other happens to be single and is looking for a relationship. I prefer letting nature run it's course and only acting upon my feelings once I know that I actually like this guy. But still it felt nice to talk to somebody who shared a similar opinion. Upon that note, he asked me if we could exchange numbers. I sent him my number in response.

A few days later, he text messaged me if I would like to be in a relationship with him. He mentioned that he likes me but isn't exactly sure about it yet. He would prefer that we meet up sometime soon and see how things proceed. I had started to talk to Josh at that point so while I was up for a meeting, I was not entirely sure about being in a relationship with him. However I told him we can meet up sometime soon.

While exchanging messages he mentioned that he needs to go to some place with his parents. Later the next day, I asked him where did he go yesterday to get the conversation ball rolling.

"Dinner at my in-laws", he text messaged me back.

Upon reading his message I went into shock. "You are married?", I asked him. I was more angry that he was married and looking for guys to be in a relationship with than the fact that he lied to me.

"No! Just engaged!", read his reply.

"How come you didn't mention that?", I asked him.

"Does it make a difference?", he asked me.

"Hell yeah! I don't date married guys!", I replied. "And how you could be think of being in a relationship with a guy when you are going to be married to a girl? You are not even married and you are preparing to cheat on her!"

"It's not cheating if it's a relationship!", he replied.

I was way too angry to talk via text messaging so I called him up. "So you plan to be in a relationship with a girl and a guy at the same time?", I asked him.

"Yeah!", he replied.

"And how is that a monogamous relationship?", I asked him.

"One of each!", he replied.

Oh My God. He's one seriously effed up individual. Not only are his notions completely messed up but his English needs some tuning as well. My mind exploded from rage and I cut the call as I let my blood cool down. A few minutes later I shot him a text, "Dude, forget it! I'm not interested in being in contact with you anymore. Goodbye!"

He text messaged me "Okay" a few seconds later but a few days later he wanted to talk and kept on text messaging me. I never bothered to reply to him. I can't risk talking to him again because either I'd kill him or die from high blood pressure. Never in my entire life have I come across someone so seriously messed up. Never ever!

Anymore talk and I would have gone all Rihanna on his ass!

Another part on the same issue will be coming up soon later this week. 

Do'in It Like Rihanna

This incident is a few weeks old, but it got lost in the draft posts. Recently somebody left a request to post on a similar topic so I decided it was time to put this one up for everyone to see.

I had been speaking to a guy who contacted me Online since a few weeks. We could not meet because I have been extremely busy in my schedule. There is literally not much room to do anything else besides studying and wanking. Kidd'in!

He seemed very decent from his conversation and spoke very eloquently. I remember that when he contacted me for the very first time, he actually had typed this extremely articulated message. Most people from the dating site can't spell correctly much less craft exquisitely. I responded to the message and we hit it off on a good note.

One of the first things I check before responding or contacting any profile is if the person is 'Single' or 'Married'. His profile mentioned him to be single, so I thought it was all cool. He did not consider mentioning this fact to me till a significant time had passed. Before knowing this we had talked alot, even on relationships. He appreciated the fact that I am looking for a monogamous relation as it is something that most people never bother with. I asked his stance on the issue.

"I'm also looking for a monogamous relationship!", he told me in his follow up message.

No!, I didn't immediately start considering him as a potential boyfriend. I don't get into a relationship simply because the other happens to be single and is looking for a relationship. I prefer letting nature run it's course and only acting upon my feelings once I know that I actually like this guy. But still it felt nice to talk to somebody who shared a similar opinion. Upon that note, he asked me if we could exchange numbers. I sent him my number in response.

A few days later, he text messaged me if I would like to be in a relationship with him. He mentioned that he likes me but isn't exactly sure about it yet. He would prefer that we meet up sometime soon and see how things proceed. I had started to talk to Josh at that point so while I was up for a meeting, I was not entirely sure about being in a relationship with him. However I told him we can meet up sometime soon.

While exchanging messages he mentioned that he needs to go to some place with his parents. Later the next day, I asked him where did he go yesterday to get the conversation ball rolling.

"Dinner at my in-laws", he text messaged me back.

Upon reading his message I went into shock. "You are married?", I asked him. I was more angry that he was married and looking for guys to be in a relationship with than the fact that he lied to me.

"No! Just engaged!", read his reply.

"How come you didn't mention that?", I asked him.

"Does it make a difference?", he asked me.

"Hell yeah! I don't date married guys!", I replied. "And how you could be think of being in a relationship with a guy when you are going to be married to a girl? You are not even married and you are preparing to cheat on her!"

"It's not cheating if it's a relationship!", he replied.

I was way too angry to talk via text messaging so I called him up. "So you plan to be in a relationship with a girl and a guy at the same time?", I asked him.

"Yeah!", he replied.

"And how is that a monogamous relationship?", I asked him.

"One of each!", he replied.

Oh My God. He's one seriously effed up individual. Not only are his notions completely messed up but his English needs some tuning as well. My mind exploded from rage and I cut the call as I let my blood cool down. A few minutes later I shot him a text, "Dude, forget it! I'm not interested in being in contact with you anymore. Goodbye!"

He text messaged me "Okay" a few seconds later but a few days later he wanted to talk and kept on text messaging me. I never bothered to reply to him. I can't risk talking to him again because either I'd kill him or die from high blood pressure. Never in my entire life have I come across someone so seriously messed up. Never ever!

Anymore talk and I would have gone all Rihanna on his ass!

Another part on the same issue will be coming up soon later this week. 

I Just May Start to Like Him

If you want to change the face of the gay community, f*cking come out of the closet and maybe the media would have a broader sense of what being gay is!

- Chris Crocker 

I would admit that he actually has a point. The reason feminine gays are so easily spotted is that they stand out and are automatically pointed as gay. And therefore as a result, that's the over all perception most people have of us. 

There are masculine gay guys out there. We all knows that. They have dated us. They have had gotten intimate with us. They have loved us. We all say stop hating the gays, but when will the gays stop hating other gays?

I'm officially a follower of Chris Crocker. I too have said something earlier on the same issue here - I just wish mine was as awesome as his!

I Just May Start to Like Him

If you want to change the face of the gay community, f*cking come out of the closet and maybe the media would have a broader sense of what being gay is!

- Chris Crocker 

I would admit that he actually has a point. The reason feminine gays are so easily spotted is that they stand out and are automatically pointed as gay. And therefore as a result, that's the over all perception most people have of us. 

There are masculine gay guys out there. We all knows that. They have dated us. They have had gotten intimate with us. They have loved us. We all say stop hating the gays, but when will the gays stop hating other gays?

I'm officially a follower of Chris Crocker. I too have said something earlier on the same issue here - I just wish mine was as awesome as his!

Did I Tell You About The Time I Almost Got Someone Fired?

Sometime during 2003, my parents decided it was time to get a second car. With my dad away for work most of the time, the second car was supposed to stay at home for any errands that my grandparents would need to run. Since my mom used to work during the day, we hired a driver. He came through the reference of our maid at that time. In Pakistan, menial work comes cheap and just about everybody can find somebody to do it.

He was in his early thirties and married. At first, his duty was fixed from 9 AM to 5 PM. A few months later, we got our house renovated and my mother suggested that we should build a room for him. My father didn't like the idea of having a driver 24/7 but mom explained that in case of any emergency if my father is not here, somebody has to be here. I was sixteen at that time, well below the age to get the driving license. My father agreed and our driver got a nice salary bump with a place to stay.

I was in my final year of O Level at that time and had evening tuitions of some subject or another almost daily. I needed the car so it was left at my disposal every evening except for Sunday. Obviously I used to go and come back with the driver. It was during this time I got to know him really well. As time passed, my ease with him grew. He was the one person who told me whatever I asked.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?", he asked me one day.

Now obviously I didn't expect him to understand that I was gay nor did I want him to know. "I don't want one!", I told him.

"So what? If you don't want one now, you would want one later!" he told me. "Start working on it from now so that in due time you'll be able get from her what you seek!"

"Seek? What would I seek from her?", I asked in amazement. Don't be surprised! I was quite probably the first-quality mix of stupidity, curiosity and innocence that you would find in a 16 year old.

"Sex, man! What else?!", he told me point blank.

Oh My God! He said it! He said the 'S' word!, my mind started screaming. I guess he picked my thoughts from the look on my face.

"Don't you know about sex?", he asked me.

I turned the deepest shade of red from embarrassment. At that time all I knew about sex was it involved something called a vagina and a penis. I had no idea what was an orgasm or the related complicated things about sex. I would admit that I was curious. I had friends who talked about it but I didn't dare to ask anything in fear of being ridiculed. Asking my father was completely out of question.

"What the f*ck do they teach you in school?! I f*cked a woman for the first time when I was sixteen. She was an older woman in our village. My older brother took me to her and she taught me everything I needed to know. She had fun teaching too, you know. She taught alot of my friends and cousins as well!" he told me with great pride.

I covered my groin with my bag hoping that he would not guess about my erection. I was embarrassed and excited all at the same time. "Don't worry. I shall teach you all about sex. I'll make a player out of you!", he said with a smile.

From that day on, every evening en route to my tuition center my Sexology 101 class took place in my car. I credit him to all the knowledge I have on every thing from masturbation, lubrication, straight sex, deflowering and just about every other topic you could think of. I never dared to ask him anything along the themes of homosexuality. But I guess with time he felt comfortable telling me just about anything and with time, he told me just about everything he possibly knew.

"How come you don't have a girlfriend?" he asked me one day again.

"I told you already, Uncle. I don't need one!"

"You are stupid. Have you ever noticed how many girls notice you?!", he asked me. I was too embarrassed to answer that question. "If you stop hanging out with your friends, you would notice how many girls take notice of you and would be with you if you make a play for them!"

At this point, I was far too embarrassed to even look at him. I was looking out of the window. There was silence in the car for a while. "I don't want to talk about this!", I told him sternly. This was the first time ever I talked to him strictly. After that, the same topic was never brought up for discussion.

A while later, his wife became pregnant and she forbid him to touch her. He told me very openly that he's feeling very horny these days. I didn't bother to ask for details. He mentioned the same thing a few more times and I didn't respond to it at that point either. I could offer no suggestion, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Phunk, can I ask you something?", he asked me one day when we were going to tuition.

"Hmm!", I said in response.

"Don't mind but I want to have sex with you!", he told me placing a hand on my thigh.

I was shocked beyond words to even reply to it. I seriously had no idea he would spring this on me. I was already familiar with the concept that older men liked to prey on teenage boys to fulfill their sexual needs. And above all, I thought he was straight. "Are you interested in guys?", I asked him in surprise.

"No but I need release. I have told you all I could about sex, now it's time to show you!", he told me with a smile. The same smile that seemed warm at so many incidents before this suddenly seemed evil. "This way we both can have what we want!", he added.

"What made you think I want sex?", I asked him.

"Darling, every teenage boys wants sex even if he doesn't know it yet!", he told me with the same smile. I think it was at that point I developed a cringing attitude towards the word 'Darling'.

I couldn't stand to be in the same space alone with him. Fortunately for me, we reached our destination and I had to go. His words kept bouncing around in my head the entire night. I will not lie and say that I didn't consider it. But the thought of him already being married, with 2 children and another one the way and most importantly it would be just sex. Something I didn't want! It would be over in a moment and would never be how I wanted it to be.

I denied upon his offer the next day, telling him that his wife would deliver in a few months and then she will be available once again to him. Somehow he got the idea and backed off. A few months later his wife gave birth to a wonderful baby girl. She was christened with the name I had suggested to our driver. I was very proud and I had very much forgotten about his offer a few months ago.

A few months later, he asked me the same question. "Why? Is your wife pregnant again?", I asked him in shock.

"No, she's not. But I want to try something different!" he told me. He placed his hand on my thigh once again and took it all the way up to my crotch.

I screamed louder than I could ever imagine. I pushed his hand off myself and told him to keep it to himself. I was supposed to go to my tuitions but I was in no mood. I told him to take me back home. All the way back, he was pleading me not to say anything to my mom. The maid who worked at our place happened to be the mother-in-law of one of his sisters. If news would spread his family would be disgraced and he would never be able to find employment ever again, and that he has little kids to take care of. His wife is not liked by his sisters, and if he goes to jail then there would be no one to take care of his family.

I didn't say anything to his pleading. As soon as I got home I went to talk to my mom so that I could tell her everything about it. But she was busy talking to some guests. I retreated to my room and stayed there till I could talk to her. When she came up, she was in a very bad mood. I was in no mood to tell her about my day, "What's wrong?", I asked her.

"Our driver just quit!", she told me. "He's leaving tomorrow for his village. Where do I get another driver on such a short notice?"

"Calm down. We will get one in due time. We can last a few days without a driver. I will take the bus and the groceries!", I told her. I didn't tell her about what happened earlier with me and to date she still doesn't know. He left the next day before I could get back from school and I didn't care.

I developed such a hate for such people from that very day that I can't describe. The next driver that we hired, I planned to keep a strict eye on him. However he has proved himself to be an excellent human being. Very reserved, respectful, obedient and gentle - he really doesn't bother on talking about anything other than politics and cars.

This post was something I planned on doing since sometime but I think it's the right time now. I have done a post earlier on Child Pornography, now it's time to talk about the Child Abuse that doesn't make it to our monitor screens. And this starts now!

It's my little bit to start something I have wanted to do since quite some time and this is the perfect place to start!

Did I Tell You About The Time I Almost Got Someone Fired?

Sometime during 2003, my parents decided it was time to get a second car. With my dad away for work most of the time, the second car was supposed to stay at home for any errands that my grandparents would need to run. Since my mom used to work during the day, we hired a driver. He came through the reference of our maid at that time. In Pakistan, menial work comes cheap and just about everybody can find somebody to do it.

He was in his early thirties and married. At first, his duty was fixed from 9 AM to 5 PM. A few months later, we got our house renovated and my mother suggested that we should build a room for him. My father didn't like the idea of having a driver 24/7 but mom explained that in case of any emergency if my father is not here, somebody has to be here. I was sixteen at that time, well below the age to get the driving license. My father agreed and our driver got a nice salary bump with a place to stay.

I was in my final year of O Level at that time and had evening tuitions of some subject or another almost daily. I needed the car so it was left at my disposal every evening except for Sunday. Obviously I used to go and come back with the driver. It was during this time I got to know him really well. As time passed, my ease with him grew. He was the one person who told me whatever I asked.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?", he asked me one day.

Now obviously I didn't expect him to understand that I was gay nor did I want him to know. "I don't want one!", I told him.

"So what? If you don't want one now, you would want one later!" he told me. "Start working on it from now so that in due time you'll be able get from her what you seek!"

"Seek? What would I seek from her?", I asked in amazement. Don't be surprised! I was quite probably the first-quality mix of stupidity, curiosity and innocence that you would find in a 16 year old.

"Sex, man! What else?!", he told me point blank.

Oh My God! He said it! He said the 'S' word!, my mind started screaming. I guess he picked my thoughts from the look on my face.

"Don't you know about sex?", he asked me.

I turned the deepest shade of red from embarrassment. At that time all I knew about sex was it involved something called a vagina and a penis. I had no idea what was an orgasm or the related complicated things about sex. I would admit that I was curious. I had friends who talked about it but I didn't dare to ask anything in fear of being ridiculed. Asking my father was completely out of question.

"What the f*ck do they teach you in school?! I f*cked a woman for the first time when I was sixteen. She was an older woman in our village. My older brother took me to her and she taught me everything I needed to know. She had fun teaching too, you know. She taught alot of my friends and cousins as well!" he told me with great pride.

I covered my groin with my bag hoping that he would not guess about my erection. I was embarrassed and excited all at the same time. "Don't worry. I shall teach you all about sex. I'll make a player out of you!", he said with a smile.

From that day on, every evening en route to my tuition center my Sexology 101 class took place in my car. I credit him to all the knowledge I have on every thing from masturbation, lubrication, straight sex, deflowering and just about every other topic you could think of. I never dared to ask him anything along the themes of homosexuality. But I guess with time he felt comfortable telling me just about anything and with time, he told me just about everything he possibly knew.

"How come you don't have a girlfriend?" he asked me one day again.

"I told you already, Uncle. I don't need one!"

"You are stupid. Have you ever noticed how many girls notice you?!", he asked me. I was too embarrassed to answer that question. "If you stop hanging out with your friends, you would notice how many girls take notice of you and would be with you if you make a play for them!"

At this point, I was far too embarrassed to even look at him. I was looking out of the window. There was silence in the car for a while. "I don't want to talk about this!", I told him sternly. This was the first time ever I talked to him strictly. After that, the same topic was never brought up for discussion.

A while later, his wife became pregnant and she forbid him to touch her. He told me very openly that he's feeling very horny these days. I didn't bother to ask for details. He mentioned the same thing a few more times and I didn't respond to it at that point either. I could offer no suggestion, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Phunk, can I ask you something?", he asked me one day when we were going to tuition.

"Hmm!", I said in response.

"Don't mind but I want to have sex with you!", he told me placing a hand on my thigh.

I was shocked beyond words to even reply to it. I seriously had no idea he would spring this on me. I was already familiar with the concept that older men liked to prey on teenage boys to fulfill their sexual needs. And above all, I thought he was straight. "Are you interested in guys?", I asked him in surprise.

"No but I need release. I have told you all I could about sex, now it's time to show you!", he told me with a smile. The same smile that seemed warm at so many incidents before this suddenly seemed evil. "This way we both can have what we want!", he added.

"What made you think I want sex?", I asked him.

"Darling, every teenage boys wants sex even if he doesn't know it yet!", he told me with the same smile. I think it was at that point I developed a cringing attitude towards the word 'Darling'.

I couldn't stand to be in the same space alone with him. Fortunately for me, we reached our destination and I had to go. His words kept bouncing around in my head the entire night. I will not lie and say that I didn't consider it. But the thought of him already being married, with 2 children and another one the way and most importantly it would be just sex. Something I didn't want! It would be over in a moment and would never be how I wanted it to be.

I denied upon his offer the next day, telling him that his wife would deliver in a few months and then she will be available once again to him. Somehow he got the idea and backed off. A few months later his wife gave birth to a wonderful baby girl. She was christened with the name I had suggested to our driver. I was very proud and I had very much forgotten about his offer a few months ago.

A few months later, he asked me the same question. "Why? Is your wife pregnant again?", I asked him in shock.

"No, she's not. But I want to try something different!" he told me. He placed his hand on my thigh once again and took it all the way up to my crotch.

I screamed louder than I could ever imagine. I pushed his hand off myself and told him to keep it to himself. I was supposed to go to my tuitions but I was in no mood. I told him to take me back home. All the way back, he was pleading me not to say anything to my mom. The maid who worked at our place happened to be the mother-in-law of one of his sisters. If news would spread his family would be disgraced and he would never be able to find employment ever again, and that he has little kids to take care of. His wife is not liked by his sisters, and if he goes to jail then there would be no one to take care of his family.

I didn't say anything to his pleading. As soon as I got home I went to talk to my mom so that I could tell her everything about it. But she was busy talking to some guests. I retreated to my room and stayed there till I could talk to her. When she came up, she was in a very bad mood. I was in no mood to tell her about my day, "What's wrong?", I asked her.

"Our driver just quit!", she told me. "He's leaving tomorrow for his village. Where do I get another driver on such a short notice?"

"Calm down. We will get one in due time. We can last a few days without a driver. I will take the bus and the groceries!", I told her. I didn't tell her about what happened earlier with me and to date she still doesn't know. He left the next day before I could get back from school and I didn't care.

I developed such a hate for such people from that very day that I can't describe. The next driver that we hired, I planned to keep a strict eye on him. However he has proved himself to be an excellent human being. Very reserved, respectful, obedient and gentle - he really doesn't bother on talking about anything other than politics and cars.

This post was something I planned on doing since sometime but I think it's the right time now. I have done a post earlier on Child Pornography, now it's time to talk about the Child Abuse that doesn't make it to our monitor screens. And this starts now!

It's my little bit to start something I have wanted to do since quite some time and this is the perfect place to start!

There's a First Time for Everything

With Ryan back from his trip to USA and Canada, life seems to be getting back to normal surely and slowly. A few weeks age, we observed an annual tradition of ours - Poondi. Poondi as far as I believe is the Punjabi word for 'Checking Out'. Although we do poondi just about every single day whenever we can but this particular poondi is special for a very specific reason. This poondi is solely to scourge the freshmen for potential fantasies we may conjure in lonely moments.

Every October/November, our university opens it's gates to a whole new crop of meat. Every November/December we have our exams. October goes by extremely busy with our heads buried in books preparing for the upcoming exams. All the time we are in college is spend in the library or in some lecture hall - if we're extremely lucky we manage to sneak into one that is! So like I said, there is absolutely no time for anything else.

The new term started last month, however Ryan wasn't in Pakistan so poondi was long forgotten besides that of my regular favorites. Yesterday we were sitting outside the cafeteria waiting for the girls to fetch us the goodies. We were being treated as we won the bet that New Zealand would beat South Africa in 2011 ICC World Cup. "So any new crushes?", Ryan asked me suddenly.

"In college?!", I asked. "I don't know! Haven't really noticed anyone in particular!" I told him.

"Who's stopping you?", he nudged.

I laughed. "No one!", I told him. "Nobody really stood out to me!"

"Picky!", he teased.

"I'm not picky!", I defended myself. "Besides you can't choose who you are attracted to!"

"Do another scan!", he said punching my shoulder. Disapprovingly I started looking around to see if any of the freshmen grabbed my attention. As I was scanning the college grounds I realized that there was nobody down there that I was attracted to. There was really not a single guy that stood out above the rest or made me go back for a second look. I could really not believe it. Not a single crush!

This was amazing beyond words. I was especially embarrassed after crushing on the six crushes from the class before the new one and the twin brothers, who moved away last week (Did they got wise to all my personal evening poondi?!). LOL! But seriously, I am not lying about those six guys. I swear it seemed last year they had given admission to guys worthy of putting in a Levis campaign.

"None! I am not attracted to anybody!" I told him with a smile, "You?"

"One!"

"Who? Who?" I ask him looking around hoping to spot him before Ryan could tell me.

"Her", Ryan says gesturing towards a girl dressed in yellow clothes. She looked good. Tall, slender, bronze colored skin - I would get rid of the blond highlights. But in any case, I was so not expecting Ryan to point towards a girl and I was not at all expecting me to be not crushing on a single new guy. I guess there's a first time for everything!

Now if only my first time can be with him - provided we're truly deeply madly in love, you know. C'mon, I am shallow and pretty crazy, but even I have limits! :p

There's a First Time for Everything

With Ryan back from his trip to USA and Canada, life seems to be getting back to normal surely and slowly. A few weeks age, we observed an annual tradition of ours - Poondi. Poondi as far as I believe is the Punjabi word for 'Checking Out'. Although we do poondi just about every single day whenever we can but this particular poondi is special for a very specific reason. This poondi is solely to scourge the freshmen for potential fantasies we may conjure in lonely moments.

Every October/November, our university opens it's gates to a whole new crop of meat. Every November/December we have our exams. October goes by extremely busy with our heads buried in books preparing for the upcoming exams. All the time we are in college is spend in the library or in some lecture hall - if we're extremely lucky we manage to sneak into one that is! So like I said, there is absolutely no time for anything else.

The new term started last month, however Ryan wasn't in Pakistan so poondi was long forgotten besides that of my regular favorites. Yesterday we were sitting outside the cafeteria waiting for the girls to fetch us the goodies. We were being treated as we won the bet that New Zealand would beat South Africa in 2011 ICC World Cup. "So any new crushes?", Ryan asked me suddenly.

"In college?!", I asked. "I don't know! Haven't really noticed anyone in particular!" I told him.

"Who's stopping you?", he nudged.

I laughed. "No one!", I told him. "Nobody really stood out to me!"

"Picky!", he teased.

"I'm not picky!", I defended myself. "Besides you can't choose who you are attracted to!"

"Do another scan!", he said punching my shoulder. Disapprovingly I started looking around to see if any of the freshmen grabbed my attention. As I was scanning the college grounds I realized that there was nobody down there that I was attracted to. There was really not a single guy that stood out above the rest or made me go back for a second look. I could really not believe it. Not a single crush!

This was amazing beyond words. I was especially embarrassed after crushing on the six crushes from the class before the new one and the twin brothers, who moved away last week (Did they got wise to all my personal evening poondi?!). LOL! But seriously, I am not lying about those six guys. I swear it seemed last year they had given admission to guys worthy of putting in a Levis campaign.

"None! I am not attracted to anybody!" I told him with a smile, "You?"

"One!"

"Who? Who?" I ask him looking around hoping to spot him before Ryan could tell me.

"Her", Ryan says gesturing towards a girl dressed in yellow clothes. She looked good. Tall, slender, bronze colored skin - I would get rid of the blond highlights. But in any case, I was so not expecting Ryan to point towards a girl and I was not at all expecting me to be not crushing on a single new guy. I guess there's a first time for everything!

Now if only my first time can be with him - provided we're truly deeply madly in love, you know. C'mon, I am shallow and pretty crazy, but even I have limits! :p

I Say A Little Prayer For You

Whenever a child is born, there are certain traditions that the lucky family carries out so as to ensure the child physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being as he proceeds through life. Some people have the baby suckle on honey before the first time he or she drinks the mother's milk, which is actually pretty dangerous. There is another tradition of not allowing the mother to leave the baby's side for a period of forty days no matter whatever is going on around her so as to allow the necessary bond to form between the two. A very common tradition that no matter what religion a person belongs to is of offering a special prayer just for the child. This tradition is generally performed by the entire family and anybody who wishes to imparts their blessing as well can join. I make sure I always join if I can and if I can't in cases where the new born is not in Pakistan I make sure to offer a special prayer for him or her.

Just yesterday I was blessed with a nephew. I have previously mentioned his sister and my niece in my blog during the time I was committed to Nathan. After our break-up, she was one of the few things that brought a smile to my face. While the baby was born in America, as they have immigrated - the new born's paternal grandmother is still living in Pakistan with her other son. She organized the prayer as per our tradition and I just had to take part in it.

Now I really haven't asked my cousins or my parents that exactly what do you ask in the mentioned prayers. It seems obvious what you need to ask for - the over all well being of the new born. My take on the said tradition has been slightly different since the past five years or so. Yeah, I do pray and I do wish the little one the best with all my heart. But when praying I am very specific about my prayer.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!", one of the many things my awesome mom keeps driving into my thick skull. So while everybody is saying their prayers I add this little part to mine.

"Please do not have this child face the same hardships and issues that I have faced through my life. I want her/him to grow in peace and never feel that he/she is an abomination that is to be ridiculed and hated by the society. Don't ever have him/her stand at the edge of the roof thinking to just end it for once and all. Don't ever do this to her/him. I can forgive You for everything that I have endured but I will not forgive You if this child has to endure what I have."

I know my prayer sounds cold. Probably alot of you will feel that my prayer is highly inappropriate, especially those who support my confidence for my sexuality. However I have to make it clear that getting to this place where I am now, was no easy task. There have been alot of hard decisions that I have made which people close to me would also have to endure eventually because of me. I may even get disowned if my dad ever comes to know about it. It's not something people would like to know about their child. It's hard enough for us to conquer the feelings of guilt, shame and anger in the first place, then to help our parents and other loved ones get over them. It takes more than just blood, sweat and tears!

Nobody really understands it. We are brought up in a society that not only accepts and promotes heterosexuality but also insists on coupling. Being homosexual is wrong. Being single is not acceptable. We are wrapped in several layers of mentality that tells us that we need to find a mate of the opposite gender and then under the blessings of our parents we are to enter the matrimonial bliss with the said person. Nothing wrong in that if you're straight. But for those who are not attracted to be opposite gender, there starts a whole new process in which we strip ourselves off these expectations and demands if we want to live in peace. It's like having a very painful tattoo removed that you didn't even want in the first place. It hurts as we strip it off ourselves piece by piece, but if we are to live in peace then we have to. We come out to a few close contacts - most probably family and have some people walk out on us. It hurts more than anything in the world from those who have been shunned by their own kin for not being normal. Many who are considering it fear of rejection from their families. Who would really want that?

Most people I know would say 'No!' in a second if it was up to them. However it's not our choice and as aptly put by Lady Gaga - Baby, I was born this way!

I have yet to see any signs of homosexuality in any of my nieces or nephews except for one, but I'm not entirely sure about him yet. I think he would be 8 years old right now and I met him two years ago on my summer trip to America. He clearly had alot of toys, however his favorite toy was his elder sister's doll pram which he was constantly pushing all around his neighborhood in the evening when we were all outside. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I had a slight inclination that he just might be gay. That night when I went to sleep, he kept flashing across my mind again and again. I felt like crying my heart out and screaming at God, however I didn't. Not only because it would have woken up everybody in the house but also I really would not be able to explain to anybody the cause of my extremely strange behavior.

The next day, his father who is my cousin wanted to take some pictures but in every picture he wanted to pose with the pram. When his father grabbed the pram to pull it away from the child, he would not let go and raised a huge tantrum. The father won in the end but from the help of his wife who placated the child by explaining to him that if he wants to hold a toy he can hold his Batman action figure and only girls look good pushing doll prams. He agreed to let go of the pram but he didn't smile in any of the pictures we took. Says alot don't you think?

He still has a long way to go before he reaches his teens and probably realizes about himself. I don't even know if at that point I should help him or not. At one side, I do want to help him so that he doesn't want to go through it alone. But if my fears are indeed true and if he at any point mentions about me to his parents it would definitely create a rift between their family and mine. The said kid's grandfather and my own father are blood brother, infact his other son happens to be the grandfather of my very awesome nephew Bilal.

Why does life have to be so darn freak'in difficult? Why do I have to make some complicated choices? I wish I could turn a blind eye to all this but I can't. I just can't!

FML!

My prayers go out to all my nephews and nieces. May you all be born straight and live happy lives!

I Say A Little Prayer For You

Whenever a child is born, there are certain traditions that the lucky family carries out so as to ensure the child physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being as he proceeds through life. Some people have the baby suckle on honey before the first time he or she drinks the mother's milk, which is actually pretty dangerous. There is another tradition of not allowing the mother to leave the baby's side for a period of forty days no matter whatever is going on around her so as to allow the necessary bond to form between the two. A very common tradition that no matter what religion a person belongs to is of offering a special prayer just for the child. This tradition is generally performed by the entire family and anybody who wishes to imparts their blessing as well can join. I make sure I always join if I can and if I can't in cases where the new born is not in Pakistan I make sure to offer a special prayer for him or her.

Just yesterday I was blessed with a nephew. I have previously mentioned his sister and my niece in my blog during the time I was committed to Nathan. After our break-up, she was one of the few things that brought a smile to my face. While the baby was born in America, as they have immigrated - the new born's paternal grandmother is still living in Pakistan with her other son. She organized the prayer as per our tradition and I just had to take part in it.

Now I really haven't asked my cousins or my parents that exactly what do you ask in the mentioned prayers. It seems obvious what you need to ask for - the over all well being of the new born. My take on the said tradition has been slightly different since the past five years or so. Yeah, I do pray and I do wish the little one the best with all my heart. But when praying I am very specific about my prayer.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!", one of the many things my awesome mom keeps driving into my thick skull. So while everybody is saying their prayers I add this little part to mine.

"Please do not have this child face the same hardships and issues that I have faced through my life. I want her/him to grow in peace and never feel that he/she is an abomination that is to be ridiculed and hated by the society. Don't ever have him/her stand at the edge of the roof thinking to just end it for once and all. Don't ever do this to her/him. I can forgive You for everything that I have endured but I will not forgive You if this child has to endure what I have."

I know my prayer sounds cold. Probably alot of you will feel that my prayer is highly inappropriate, especially those who support my confidence for my sexuality. However I have to make it clear that getting to this place where I am now, was no easy task. There have been alot of hard decisions that I have made which people close to me would also have to endure eventually because of me. I may even get disowned if my dad ever comes to know about it. It's not something people would like to know about their child. It's hard enough for us to conquer the feelings of guilt, shame and anger in the first place, then to help our parents and other loved ones get over them. It takes more than just blood, sweat and tears!

Nobody really understands it. We are brought up in a society that not only accepts and promotes heterosexuality but also insists on coupling. Being homosexual is wrong. Being single is not acceptable. We are wrapped in several layers of mentality that tells us that we need to find a mate of the opposite gender and then under the blessings of our parents we are to enter the matrimonial bliss with the said person. Nothing wrong in that if you're straight. But for those who are not attracted to be opposite gender, there starts a whole new process in which we strip ourselves off these expectations and demands if we want to live in peace. It's like having a very painful tattoo removed that you didn't even want in the first place. It hurts as we strip it off ourselves piece by piece, but if we are to live in peace then we have to. We come out to a few close contacts - most probably family and have some people walk out on us. It hurts more than anything in the world from those who have been shunned by their own kin for not being normal. Many who are considering it fear of rejection from their families. Who would really want that?

Most people I know would say 'No!' in a second if it was up to them. However it's not our choice and as aptly put by Lady Gaga - Baby, I was born this way!

I have yet to see any signs of homosexuality in any of my nieces or nephews except for one, but I'm not entirely sure about him yet. I think he would be 8 years old right now and I met him two years ago on my summer trip to America. He clearly had alot of toys, however his favorite toy was his elder sister's doll pram which he was constantly pushing all around his neighborhood in the evening when we were all outside. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I had a slight inclination that he just might be gay. That night when I went to sleep, he kept flashing across my mind again and again. I felt like crying my heart out and screaming at God, however I didn't. Not only because it would have woken up everybody in the house but also I really would not be able to explain to anybody the cause of my extremely strange behavior.

The next day, his father who is my cousin wanted to take some pictures but in every picture he wanted to pose with the pram. When his father grabbed the pram to pull it away from the child, he would not let go and raised a huge tantrum. The father won in the end but from the help of his wife who placated the child by explaining to him that if he wants to hold a toy he can hold his Batman action figure and only girls look good pushing doll prams. He agreed to let go of the pram but he didn't smile in any of the pictures we took. Says alot don't you think?

He still has a long way to go before he reaches his teens and probably realizes about himself. I don't even know if at that point I should help him or not. At one side, I do want to help him so that he doesn't want to go through it alone. But if my fears are indeed true and if he at any point mentions about me to his parents it would definitely create a rift between their family and mine. The said kid's grandfather and my own father are blood brother, infact his other son happens to be the grandfather of my very awesome nephew Bilal.

Why does life have to be so darn freak'in difficult? Why do I have to make some complicated choices? I wish I could turn a blind eye to all this but I can't. I just can't!

FML!

My prayers go out to all my nephews and nieces. May you all be born straight and live happy lives!

Lesbian Love Rocks

I was made for you!

I wish I had such a cool lesbian couple for friends *sigh*

Lesbian Love Rocks

I was made for you!

I wish I had such a cool lesbian couple for friends *sigh*