Last week in a gathering of friends, we ran into a discussion of a certain trait that we hate most about ourselves. I lied at my turn. I told them that I have no idea. Well it wasn’t entirely a lie. I do have a certain amount of idea about what I hate most. The reality is that I’m somewhat of a sadist!
Yeah, you read right!
I, Phunk Factor, in my sound state of mind openly declare that I’m a frigg’in sadist. I’m not talking about the whips, chains, leather kind of sadist. I’m more of an emotional sadist. I like to hurt my significant other, to make him realize that he needs to pay attention to me. I like to hurt my significant other, if he hurt me. And I like to hurt him hard. Really really hard!
Once again, I’m not talking about something like landing a punch or something on him. But something like ignoring his messages, not calling him up, making him wait. Anything to make say something that will tell me that he loves me. Yeah, I’m not all Mr. Nice Guy!
I hate that I feel the need to resort to such measures. I absolutely hate it! I have to fight an internal battle to keep these frigg’in urges under control and not let them take over my sense of reasoning and logic. While I’m on the roll of confessing, I need to make another confession. I find myself unfit of getting into a relationship because of this particular habit of mine. I cannot trust myself, so how will another person trust me?!
When I was with Nathan, I had to suppress this monster inside me constantly. I had to tell him to shut up and sit in a corner like a little brat. It was something I needed to do. I really did love Nathan, and that’s the frigg’in problem in this whole situation. The more I love someone and the more this monster is susceptible to break loose and go on a rampage. When I get signals that things are not going well, I feel like doing something crazy in order to make the other person realize that I exist. I’m not at all into bondage; I find it kind of cruel to be very honest. Then why do I feel this stupid craze to land a sick punch on his heart and shake him up super-bad?!
As a partner, it’s one of my responsibilities to protect my significant other from all harm possible. But how do I protect him against myself? Thinking about this the other night, I realized that maybe I need to stay single for a greater period now. Figure myself out further and find some way I can lock this monster once and for all. Maybe then only will I be able to find someone to love truly, deeply, madly. Whatever inside me that lies damaged and broken, I need to fix it.
The next day Ryan showed up with a cake to celebrate something which I will discuss in a later post. I told him that I wanted to stay single and not date anybody. Ryan strongly disagreed. He insisted that I needed to put myself out there. Upon that I told him that I’m scared to do that, because I do not want to fall in love. “If I love someone I can’t keep my big mouth shut for long. I am going to say something so as to get a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ out of him, and then move forward or move on.”, I told him. “And I do not want to hurt anybody else!”
I feel a little guilty at times even now of getting Nathan involved, things would have been so much uncomplicated for him had I just kept my big mouth shut.
After that I confessed about this side of me, Ryan is the first person I have ever discussed it with. I had told him sometime ago but I didn’t go into details. This time I went into every possible detail I could remember and laid it all out on him. He had a completely different take on it, which maybe just as possible as my conclusion.
According to Ryan, I’m too nice. I’m way too nice. I’m so nice that I’m door-mat nice!
In simpler words, I’m submissive. I do as I’m told, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t announce my displeasure at something, when I need to. I keep it all to myself. This creates a weird negativity inside me, which makes me think crazy thoughts. The whole point of being in a relationship is that there is a mutual acceptance of ideas, thoughts and opinions. He recalled several events with Nathan on which I should have said something but I kept my mouth shut. He instructed me strictly that if and when I get into a relationship, I need to be more open of what I want and what I feel. It’s not always rose petals and satin sheets. It should not be!
“Besides if someone falls for you, I will pose as your crazy stalker and chase him away!” Ryan debilitated. LOL!
I do feel that maybe that is the case. I should not be such a satee-savitree. I should be some more of Cruella Devil, minus all the cigarettes, skunk dyed hair and fur products. I’m anti-fur, you see! I believe that all of God’s creatures deserve to live and should not be killed to make clothes that will go out of style a season later. No siree!
So who ever comes up next, get ready for a lot more than just love bites! I’m going to rock our love-boat, make sure you go over-board and dive in after you. No Titanic, but do we really need another Ocean Liner disaster? ;)
Yeah, you read right!
I, Phunk Factor, in my sound state of mind openly declare that I’m a frigg’in sadist. I’m not talking about the whips, chains, leather kind of sadist. I’m more of an emotional sadist. I like to hurt my significant other, to make him realize that he needs to pay attention to me. I like to hurt my significant other, if he hurt me. And I like to hurt him hard. Really really hard!
Once again, I’m not talking about something like landing a punch or something on him. But something like ignoring his messages, not calling him up, making him wait. Anything to make say something that will tell me that he loves me. Yeah, I’m not all Mr. Nice Guy!
I hate that I feel the need to resort to such measures. I absolutely hate it! I have to fight an internal battle to keep these frigg’in urges under control and not let them take over my sense of reasoning and logic. While I’m on the roll of confessing, I need to make another confession. I find myself unfit of getting into a relationship because of this particular habit of mine. I cannot trust myself, so how will another person trust me?!
When I was with Nathan, I had to suppress this monster inside me constantly. I had to tell him to shut up and sit in a corner like a little brat. It was something I needed to do. I really did love Nathan, and that’s the frigg’in problem in this whole situation. The more I love someone and the more this monster is susceptible to break loose and go on a rampage. When I get signals that things are not going well, I feel like doing something crazy in order to make the other person realize that I exist. I’m not at all into bondage; I find it kind of cruel to be very honest. Then why do I feel this stupid craze to land a sick punch on his heart and shake him up super-bad?!
As a partner, it’s one of my responsibilities to protect my significant other from all harm possible. But how do I protect him against myself? Thinking about this the other night, I realized that maybe I need to stay single for a greater period now. Figure myself out further and find some way I can lock this monster once and for all. Maybe then only will I be able to find someone to love truly, deeply, madly. Whatever inside me that lies damaged and broken, I need to fix it.
The next day Ryan showed up with a cake to celebrate something which I will discuss in a later post. I told him that I wanted to stay single and not date anybody. Ryan strongly disagreed. He insisted that I needed to put myself out there. Upon that I told him that I’m scared to do that, because I do not want to fall in love. “If I love someone I can’t keep my big mouth shut for long. I am going to say something so as to get a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ out of him, and then move forward or move on.”, I told him. “And I do not want to hurt anybody else!”
I feel a little guilty at times even now of getting Nathan involved, things would have been so much uncomplicated for him had I just kept my big mouth shut.
After that I confessed about this side of me, Ryan is the first person I have ever discussed it with. I had told him sometime ago but I didn’t go into details. This time I went into every possible detail I could remember and laid it all out on him. He had a completely different take on it, which maybe just as possible as my conclusion.
According to Ryan, I’m too nice. I’m way too nice. I’m so nice that I’m door-mat nice!
In simpler words, I’m submissive. I do as I’m told, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t announce my displeasure at something, when I need to. I keep it all to myself. This creates a weird negativity inside me, which makes me think crazy thoughts. The whole point of being in a relationship is that there is a mutual acceptance of ideas, thoughts and opinions. He recalled several events with Nathan on which I should have said something but I kept my mouth shut. He instructed me strictly that if and when I get into a relationship, I need to be more open of what I want and what I feel. It’s not always rose petals and satin sheets. It should not be!
“Besides if someone falls for you, I will pose as your crazy stalker and chase him away!” Ryan debilitated. LOL!
I do feel that maybe that is the case. I should not be such a satee-savitree. I should be some more of Cruella Devil, minus all the cigarettes, skunk dyed hair and fur products. I’m anti-fur, you see! I believe that all of God’s creatures deserve to live and should not be killed to make clothes that will go out of style a season later. No siree!
So who ever comes up next, get ready for a lot more than just love bites! I’m going to rock our love-boat, make sure you go over-board and dive in after you. No Titanic, but do we really need another Ocean Liner disaster? ;)
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