Smack That

"Really? Your here to loose weight? Why? Your cute, man. You can bag chicks easily!", was the first compliment that I got from him. Him is a guy who goes to my gym, in fact he's one of the trainer. The guy who I refer to for everything is the owner of the gym. He has three people under his rule - two guys and a girl. Him happens to be one of those two guys.

I thanked him for his compliment but didn't exactly pay attention to it. You know your over-weight when you have big ass love handles. I wanted to loose weight. I wanted to give my life some sort of push forward and building a healthier body seemed like a great way to start. Further more, I had already gotten the membership so I might as well put it to good use.

Of the two sub-trainers, he's the friendlier one. The other guy although very polite and helping, doesn't really talk to anybody on his own. If you approach him asking for help he would respond and help you how ever he can. Except for when he's talking two or three members I have never seen him laugh or crack a smile.

The other dude is the polar opposite of him. He's talks with everyone, notices subtle changes in body and makes sure he lets the person know. He laughs and jokes. If he spots someone doing something wrong, he would immediately come over to correct that person. If the person is welcoming to his help, he would help even more. He's a real social butterfly! I really can't play favorites. I like them both equally. While I trust them both, I favor the sober one more when it comes to advice because I believe he has a better body. Also I can not let any excuse of talking to him slip pass me. No way! No how!

It's been about four months since I started going to the gym regularly and the changes have been tremendous. I weigh 74 kgs right now, I started off from 81kgs. My waist line has also decreases and I can feel I am nearer to a healthier version of me. A friend of mine and my mother have noticed the starting of some muscle developement. So in all, I would say that things are going in a good direction, but there is alot more distance to cover. Quite obviously, Mr. Trainer has also noticed these changes and has complimented me a few more times. And here's the thing - those compliments seem flirty to me.

I don't think he's gay or bi. I really don't but then things like these throw me off. And what happened today was way beyond and above getting thrown off. I was literally vaulted twenty feet into the air and dropped back on my bum. Go over the details and tell me what do you conclude. Once I have his deal figured out, I can act appropriately. If he flirts, I'll flirt back. If he jokes, I'll joke back. If he shoves his tongue down my throat, you can bet your money I won't think twice before doing the same. But before all that I would really like to get to know what's going in his head.

So I was at my gym today around four in the afternoon. It was a holiday today and a very important religious day for that so not many people had come to the gym. When I arrived, there were only two guys and one lady there besides the trainers. I went to the locker room and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. While walking back to the weight room, I noticed that one of my shoe laces was untied. Too lazy to crouch down, I propped my foot on a rising and bent over.

Out of no where red hot pain strikes me with the force of lightening and shoots up my spine. I cuss and look up to see Mr. Trainer walking by with a giant smile on his face. He gives me a wink just before he enters the weight room and disappears. I prop myself against a wall nursing my probably swollen ass cheek with a semi hard-on in my shorts. I am excited and embarrassed at the same time.

I would admit right here right now that I have a spanking fetish. Caught you by surprise, didn't I? LOL!

I really don't know how to explain this one. But then again, I can really not think of any logical reasons for any of my other fetishes. But let's keep it to spanking for now. So yeah, I'm into spanking. Not the BDSM kind, but a naughty playful kind. I don't like to turn people's asses beet red. I do not like paddles, whips or what ever is it that people use. I prefer the touch of skin on skin. If I see an ass I like, I would like to spank it. Nathan knows about this very well. But for the first time, the roles had been reversed in my mind. I was the spankee - is that even a word?.

I so wanted to grab his hand and drag him to the locker room. Slam him against one of those tiled walls and let him do whatever the heck he wanted to do with me. But I calmed myself down, entered the weight room and did whatever I was supposed to trying to the best of my abilities to give him the impression that I really didn't care. However everytime I saw that bicep flex, I could feel my heart beat faster.

He's definitely not relationship material, and I do not want to be in a relationship right now. If it's casual fun he wants, I think I can go ahead with it. He's definitely yummy. Really really yummy!

What do you guys have to say? 

Smack That

"Really? Your here to loose weight? Why? Your cute, man. You can bag chicks easily!", was the first compliment that I got from him. Him is a guy who goes to my gym, in fact he's one of the trainer. The guy who I refer to for everything is the owner of the gym. He has three people under his rule - two guys and a girl. Him happens to be one of those two guys.

I thanked him for his compliment but didn't exactly pay attention to it. You know your over-weight when you have big ass love handles. I wanted to loose weight. I wanted to give my life some sort of push forward and building a healthier body seemed like a great way to start. Further more, I had already gotten the membership so I might as well put it to good use.

Of the two sub-trainers, he's the friendlier one. The other guy although very polite and helping, doesn't really talk to anybody on his own. If you approach him asking for help he would respond and help you how ever he can. Except for when he's talking two or three members I have never seen him laugh or crack a smile.

The other dude is the polar opposite of him. He's talks with everyone, notices subtle changes in body and makes sure he lets the person know. He laughs and jokes. If he spots someone doing something wrong, he would immediately come over to correct that person. If the person is welcoming to his help, he would help even more. He's a real social butterfly! I really can't play favorites. I like them both equally. While I trust them both, I favor the sober one more when it comes to advice because I believe he has a better body. Also I can not let any excuse of talking to him slip pass me. No way! No how!

It's been about four months since I started going to the gym regularly and the changes have been tremendous. I weigh 74 kgs right now, I started off from 81kgs. My waist line has also decreases and I can feel I am nearer to a healthier version of me. A friend of mine and my mother have noticed the starting of some muscle developement. So in all, I would say that things are going in a good direction, but there is alot more distance to cover. Quite obviously, Mr. Trainer has also noticed these changes and has complimented me a few more times. And here's the thing - those compliments seem flirty to me.

I don't think he's gay or bi. I really don't but then things like these throw me off. And what happened today was way beyond and above getting thrown off. I was literally vaulted twenty feet into the air and dropped back on my bum. Go over the details and tell me what do you conclude. Once I have his deal figured out, I can act appropriately. If he flirts, I'll flirt back. If he jokes, I'll joke back. If he shoves his tongue down my throat, you can bet your money I won't think twice before doing the same. But before all that I would really like to get to know what's going in his head.

So I was at my gym today around four in the afternoon. It was a holiday today and a very important religious day for that so not many people had come to the gym. When I arrived, there were only two guys and one lady there besides the trainers. I went to the locker room and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. While walking back to the weight room, I noticed that one of my shoe laces was untied. Too lazy to crouch down, I propped my foot on a rising and bent over.

Out of no where red hot pain strikes me with the force of lightening and shoots up my spine. I cuss and look up to see Mr. Trainer walking by with a giant smile on his face. He gives me a wink just before he enters the weight room and disappears. I prop myself against a wall nursing my probably swollen ass cheek with a semi hard-on in my shorts. I am excited and embarrassed at the same time.

I would admit right here right now that I have a spanking fetish. Caught you by surprise, didn't I? LOL!

I really don't know how to explain this one. But then again, I can really not think of any logical reasons for any of my other fetishes. But let's keep it to spanking for now. So yeah, I'm into spanking. Not the BDSM kind, but a naughty playful kind. I don't like to turn people's asses beet red. I do not like paddles, whips or what ever is it that people use. I prefer the touch of skin on skin. If I see an ass I like, I would like to spank it. Nathan knows about this very well. But for the first time, the roles had been reversed in my mind. I was the spankee - is that even a word?.

I so wanted to grab his hand and drag him to the locker room. Slam him against one of those tiled walls and let him do whatever the heck he wanted to do with me. But I calmed myself down, entered the weight room and did whatever I was supposed to trying to the best of my abilities to give him the impression that I really didn't care. However everytime I saw that bicep flex, I could feel my heart beat faster.

He's definitely not relationship material, and I do not want to be in a relationship right now. If it's casual fun he wants, I think I can go ahead with it. He's definitely yummy. Really really yummy!

What do you guys have to say? 

Of Crushes and Crashes

I have been waiting so impatiently to come back to the blogging scene that I really can not describe my excitement in words. My summer was largely uneventful due to my exams which ended today, and while I am absolutely relieved I have already started fretting about the result.

I really can not explain this feeling of dread that washes over my entire body from the exterior to the deepest cervices when I start thinking of the result. I would admit that my exams could have gone better but looking back at how much I studied I feel that they went adequate. However that feeling of internal satisfaction that glowed inside me after certain exams last year is missing. All I can do now is pray for everything to turn out for the best.

As summer draws to a close in the Northern Hemisphere of the planet we call Earth, my Summer romance with you is just starting and I intend to Phunk you to the maximum. Starting things off with the most imporant topic - Josh!

Josh and I have been doing well. I met him once during my exams when I had a particularly large gap between my papers. It was a quick meeting at a local Pizza parlor, and we seemed to be enjoying. While nobody has bought up the issue of commitment yet, I feel that the issue is somewhat already at the table. However I do not feel a spark, and that thought scares me alot. I do not want to proceed until I am absolutely sure about how I feel, but I can not vouch for Josh's feelings.

Our meeting at Pizza Parlor was entirely casual. It was so casual that I wore shorts and T-shirt to it, which is something I have never done with any of the past dates. Mistakenly during the date I brushed his toes, we both were wearing flip flops. The single brush led to alot under the table brushing. I hope nobody saw our toe dance. LOL!

Intimacy is another thing that has been creeping into our conversations. I do want to kiss him, I'm curious to feel his stubble rub against my chin. I feel at times that perhaps a kiss would trigger the spark I am searching for. However a kiss can also lead to complications in the sense that he takes it much more deeper than intended. He's a nice guy, and I really don't want to hurt him. With him being younger, I perceive it to be synonymous with fragility. I really don't know how this will play out so I'm taking it one step at a time as carefully as I can.

On naughtier aspect I spied with my little eye a real hottie. I really couldn't take my eyes off him. I remember seeing a guy similar to him in my previous exams, he's from a sister institute. But it's been about six months since I last sat for exams so I am not entirely sure.

Everytime I would look at him, my heart would start racing. Generally guys are described as 'Handsome', but he's 'Pretty'. He's really really pretty. He rates pretty wild on both Ryan and my Gaydar. While I am not entirely sure about the crap piece of machinery in my mind, but Ryan's Gaydar is spot-on.

So I sit down in my exam hall, and turns out that he is sitting right in front of me. I catch a whiff of some really expensive D&G crap coming from him, and that's all my body needed to start floating in air. I actually leaned forward once I was done with my papers to catch a few extra sniffs. Needless to say I was looking forward to my next paper just so I could smell and see him again. The second paper didn't go well for him so once it was done he turned around to discuss and we became friends. On the third and last paper, we exchanged numbers.

When the schedule for further exams came out, his schedule coincided with mine on the minutest details. I know it is so ridiculous of me to talk about Josh and then this guy in the same sense, but little things like this make me think that I'm not up for a commitment. We practiced clinical examinations on each other one the day of the paper, and at the end of the paper he asked me if I would like to go out sometime with his friends.

"I guess I could make an effort. Let me know if anything comes up!", I told him. The whole idea of going out with him even if it's with his group of friends is pretty exciting to me. Once again I am on Square One, do I really deserve to be with Josh?

Of Crushes and Crashes

I have been waiting so impatiently to come back to the blogging scene that I really can not describe my excitement in words. My summer was largely uneventful due to my exams which ended today, and while I am absolutely relieved I have already started fretting about the result.

I really can not explain this feeling of dread that washes over my entire body from the exterior to the deepest cervices when I start thinking of the result. I would admit that my exams could have gone better but looking back at how much I studied I feel that they went adequate. However that feeling of internal satisfaction that glowed inside me after certain exams last year is missing. All I can do now is pray for everything to turn out for the best.

As summer draws to a close in the Northern Hemisphere of the planet we call Earth, my Summer romance with you is just starting and I intend to Phunk you to the maximum. Starting things off with the most imporant topic - Josh!

Josh and I have been doing well. I met him once during my exams when I had a particularly large gap between my papers. It was a quick meeting at a local Pizza parlor, and we seemed to be enjoying. While nobody has bought up the issue of commitment yet, I feel that the issue is somewhat already at the table. However I do not feel a spark, and that thought scares me alot. I do not want to proceed until I am absolutely sure about how I feel, but I can not vouch for Josh's feelings.

Our meeting at Pizza Parlor was entirely casual. It was so casual that I wore shorts and T-shirt to it, which is something I have never done with any of the past dates. Mistakenly during the date I brushed his toes, we both were wearing flip flops. The single brush led to alot under the table brushing. I hope nobody saw our toe dance. LOL!

Intimacy is another thing that has been creeping into our conversations. I do want to kiss him, I'm curious to feel his stubble rub against my chin. I feel at times that perhaps a kiss would trigger the spark I am searching for. However a kiss can also lead to complications in the sense that he takes it much more deeper than intended. He's a nice guy, and I really don't want to hurt him. With him being younger, I perceive it to be synonymous with fragility. I really don't know how this will play out so I'm taking it one step at a time as carefully as I can.

On naughtier aspect I spied with my little eye a real hottie. I really couldn't take my eyes off him. I remember seeing a guy similar to him in my previous exams, he's from a sister institute. But it's been about six months since I last sat for exams so I am not entirely sure.

Everytime I would look at him, my heart would start racing. Generally guys are described as 'Handsome', but he's 'Pretty'. He's really really pretty. He rates pretty wild on both Ryan and my Gaydar. While I am not entirely sure about the crap piece of machinery in my mind, but Ryan's Gaydar is spot-on.

So I sit down in my exam hall, and turns out that he is sitting right in front of me. I catch a whiff of some really expensive D&G crap coming from him, and that's all my body needed to start floating in air. I actually leaned forward once I was done with my papers to catch a few extra sniffs. Needless to say I was looking forward to my next paper just so I could smell and see him again. The second paper didn't go well for him so once it was done he turned around to discuss and we became friends. On the third and last paper, we exchanged numbers.

When the schedule for further exams came out, his schedule coincided with mine on the minutest details. I know it is so ridiculous of me to talk about Josh and then this guy in the same sense, but little things like this make me think that I'm not up for a commitment. We practiced clinical examinations on each other one the day of the paper, and at the end of the paper he asked me if I would like to go out sometime with his friends.

"I guess I could make an effort. Let me know if anything comes up!", I told him. The whole idea of going out with him even if it's with his group of friends is pretty exciting to me. Once again I am on Square One, do I really deserve to be with Josh?

Super Embarassed

A new family moved into the house right across ours. It's the very same house that once was occupied by this guy - Early readers of GPY!!! may remember this entry. It must be some nasty coincidence that once again the very same house is harboring a crush of mine. Actually it's housing two crushes of mine. Want to know the real cherry on the top of the cake?

They're brothers!

My dignity can really not fall any lower - Curse you blasted hormones! They moved in about two weeks ago. The age difference must not be much, perhaps they're fraternal twins. They have the same friends. Besides that I haven't really collected much information on them, also I am kind of hoping that I don't come across any juicy bits on them that causes my fire to burn stronger besides the one that I'll be telling later in this very post.

I first noticed one of them as he was unloading furniture from the moving truck. My heart immediately did a few somersaults of delight. Finally some eye candy in the neighborhood, I said to myself. As he disappeared carrying some lamps, another guy jumped from the truck and he was just as hotter as the first - if not more. I immediately started regretting this nasty twist of fate. Two brothers - two equally hot brothers! Can anybody seriously identify with my sad story and console me?!

I can't even begin to tell how many times I've thought of a threesome with them however the saint in me prevents me from going ahead and turning this fantasy into reality. However one thing that does rouse my curiosity is the older of the two - I don't know if he's older but he looks older. Anyhow so there is something about him that makes my Gaydar beep. Just last week he kept slapping his friends butt repeatedly. Yeah, not one friend but every single one of his friends. Besides that he's very touchy-feely. Always leaning on somebody and in really close proximity. There is a very good chance that he may not be aware of the concept of 'Personal Space' but whatever. He makes me go 'Rowrr!' more than the other one.

Infact my attraction to him has gone to such a point that he's often caught me looking at him. Yesterday I was gaping at his ass and he looked right up to me. No smile, no frown - mixed reaction. Maybe he was just too dumbstruck.

The crazy part of me is wishing that I run into him on the dating website and we start going out. But the sane part of me is praying heavily for that not to happen - I do not want to be committed and even more I do not want to know another gay person so closely into my life. I often tend to get attached to them drastically and when they're not around I miss them alot. Ryan is off to Canada these days and I'm missing him badly. He's coming back in a few days but college is so boring without him. Ryan called me up a few days ago and I told him about the brothers. Stupid arse couldn't stop laughing and then proceeded to excite me by creating a sex scenario involving the brothers and me. Eep!

Even though one of them makes me extremely suspicious, I will not be making any moves. As mentioned, not looking for a commitment and definitely not looking for anything else. We can be friends keeping the sexualities aside no matter what they may be. 

Super Embarassed

A new family moved into the house right across ours. It's the very same house that once was occupied by this guy - Early readers of GPY!!! may remember this entry. It must be some nasty coincidence that once again the very same house is harboring a crush of mine. Actually it's housing two crushes of mine. Want to know the real cherry on the top of the cake?

They're brothers!

My dignity can really not fall any lower - Curse you blasted hormones! They moved in about two weeks ago. The age difference must not be much, perhaps they're fraternal twins. They have the same friends. Besides that I haven't really collected much information on them, also I am kind of hoping that I don't come across any juicy bits on them that causes my fire to burn stronger besides the one that I'll be telling later in this very post.

I first noticed one of them as he was unloading furniture from the moving truck. My heart immediately did a few somersaults of delight. Finally some eye candy in the neighborhood, I said to myself. As he disappeared carrying some lamps, another guy jumped from the truck and he was just as hotter as the first - if not more. I immediately started regretting this nasty twist of fate. Two brothers - two equally hot brothers! Can anybody seriously identify with my sad story and console me?!

I can't even begin to tell how many times I've thought of a threesome with them however the saint in me prevents me from going ahead and turning this fantasy into reality. However one thing that does rouse my curiosity is the older of the two - I don't know if he's older but he looks older. Anyhow so there is something about him that makes my Gaydar beep. Just last week he kept slapping his friends butt repeatedly. Yeah, not one friend but every single one of his friends. Besides that he's very touchy-feely. Always leaning on somebody and in really close proximity. There is a very good chance that he may not be aware of the concept of 'Personal Space' but whatever. He makes me go 'Rowrr!' more than the other one.

Infact my attraction to him has gone to such a point that he's often caught me looking at him. Yesterday I was gaping at his ass and he looked right up to me. No smile, no frown - mixed reaction. Maybe he was just too dumbstruck.

The crazy part of me is wishing that I run into him on the dating website and we start going out. But the sane part of me is praying heavily for that not to happen - I do not want to be committed and even more I do not want to know another gay person so closely into my life. I often tend to get attached to them drastically and when they're not around I miss them alot. Ryan is off to Canada these days and I'm missing him badly. He's coming back in a few days but college is so boring without him. Ryan called me up a few days ago and I told him about the brothers. Stupid arse couldn't stop laughing and then proceeded to excite me by creating a sex scenario involving the brothers and me. Eep!

Even though one of them makes me extremely suspicious, I will not be making any moves. As mentioned, not looking for a commitment and definitely not looking for anything else. We can be friends keeping the sexualities aside no matter what they may be. 

Bring The Change

When I was in my second year of A-Levels, there came a boy in the freshman batch who was instantly detected by my then nearly non-existent Gaydar. But the truth was, you really didn't need to have a Gaydar to realize that he was gay. You could have a single conversation with him or just observe him for sometime, and come to the very obvious conclusion. Everything about him screamed gay!

During those days, I myself was going through the inevitable process of soul-searching. Everything I had imagined for myself had been tossed into an unrecognizable mess by Alex. Even though I wasn't dreaming about Alex as much as I used to, I was still unclear as who I was. The only part that was clear to me was that I was attracted to men and even the thought of that scared the shit out of me. I would be lying if I denied that I hated myself for being what I am. I had labeled myself 'Freak'.

Nobody knew about it but I still felt vulnerable. I felt exposed. I was specially careful and reserved when I was around Alex. I felt that the tiniest display of emotion from me would translate into affection that would show in bold red letter across my face. I didn't want to be labeled as something out-of-ordinary or abnormal.

I had stayed in a school where I was called 'Geek' and 'Nerd' for about six years. A new school meant a new chance on life, it meant that I could totally recreate myself. Nobody needs to know about the geeky sixteen year old who couldn't sink a single basket if his life depended on it. Nobody needed to know about the nerdy sixteen year old who qualified for the Inter-school Creative Writing competition every year but never managed to win. I had a brand new start and I was a part of the 'Cool' crowd. I was doing pretty good in school as well. I definitely didn't want it to end. Just 7 more months and then I graduate and head into my University life.

Day in and day out, I saw this kid being bullied by his classmates and by his senior; my classmates. Often when a group of students assembled, they would make fun of the way he walked or how he talked or his limp wrist or how he rolled his eyes. When we had our formal dinner, he wore a pink tie and I remember somebody making a comment about how everyone expected him to wear pink. He took it with a smile. He was a nice kid, very well-mannered from what I remember.

One time he got into a fight was when another student threw an insult about his parents. I was a proctor so I had to jump in between to stop the fight. The shrimp couldn't defend himself but he was putting up a terrific fight. I pulled him away and took him into a corner. "You really should not have started that fight, you know!", I told him sarcastically. "He could have easily beaten you into pulp!"

"As if I care!", he spat out wiping the sweat forming on his brow. "I'm everybody's punching bag around here! Everybody's favorite past-time is to pick on me! And you proctors are absolutely useless at controlling them!"

I bit my lip. I was truly ashamed. He was like me, except he had not been as lucky as I had been in disguising himself into molding to ensure easy survival. I didn't know what to say next. He took my silence as his cue to exit, which he did after washing his tear tracks. He didn't come back to the cafeteria where the fight first took place. I figured he had probably wandered off to the library or the art-room or somewhere to be alone. When the bell rang for my class, all thoughts about him vanished from my mind. It remained that way for most of the day. I didn't see him till school got off. He was standing by the tuck shop sipping a soda. I made my way over so as to apologize. "I'm sorry about today. I should have stopped him before it got to fists!", I said in all honesty.

He looked up with the straw still in his mouth. "Don't sweat it! It's an everyday scene with me! I've more or less gotten used to it by now! It's just two years anyways, then I won't be running into these idiots again!"

"Don't mind me saying this!" I said hesitantly, "But the fault is partly yours. If you stood up for yourself from the start, things would have never really gotten this worse!"

"I tried everything, Phunk!", he told me dejectedly "I tried everything! I tried everyday! But it's just me and it's a whole bunch of them! I can't fight them everyday! I can't fight them all! I can't fight anymore!". Anybody listening could have easily sensed the despair and hopelessness that clung to his speech. He was fighting for those words to come out. "I just pray it's all over soon and I move on from here unharmed! There is no hope for me here. Nobody really understands whatever I have going on with me. You're being nice and that's great. But even you don't!".

Boy, was he wrong! 

I wanted to hug him but I didn't. I couldn't. I just rubbed his back and treated him to a burger that we split in half. I never came out of the closet to him and then I graduated. We had become friends or as much friends that we could become given the social stigma that surrounded him. I graduated and moved on to my University. While he was in his senior year, I visited my school three times on separate occasions just for fun. He was a proctor now and from what I heard, he was a favorite amongst his juniors. I was very happy for him. A few months later he graduated. Though I visited my school later on many times as well but I only saw him on the alumni get-together that the students organized. I always made sure that an invitation got to him.

The last time I met him which was December 2009, he was enrolled in a hotel management course. He had dropped out of the engineering degree his father wanted him to do and was pursuing something he felt strongly about. I couldn't help but wish him the best in everything. I'm hoping that I get to witness great things from him in the future. He was bullied and ridiculed about his sexuality, even though he was closeted and nobody had any concrete proof about him being gay. But he survived it. He is in a better place now. But would all this have been possible if the bullying had pushed him over the edge?

The recent teen suicide incidents have left me completely shaken. Being unsure about your own self is worse enough, but having somebody pick on you because of that is the absolute pits. Pushing somebody so much that they resort to the only means of ending it. They end themselves!

Justin Aaberg, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Seth Walsh and Tyler Clementi all are no more because of some people who just felt that they didn't deserve to live. How many more are to be laid to rest before a change comes?

Bring The Change

When I was in my second year of A-Levels, there came a boy in the freshman batch who was instantly detected by my then nearly non-existent Gaydar. But the truth was, you really didn't need to have a Gaydar to realize that he was gay. You could have a single conversation with him or just observe him for sometime, and come to the very obvious conclusion. Everything about him screamed gay!

During those days, I myself was going through the inevitable process of soul-searching. Everything I had imagined for myself had been tossed into an unrecognizable mess by Alex. Even though I wasn't dreaming about Alex as much as I used to, I was still unclear as who I was. The only part that was clear to me was that I was attracted to men and even the thought of that scared the shit out of me. I would be lying if I denied that I hated myself for being what I am. I had labeled myself 'Freak'.

Nobody knew about it but I still felt vulnerable. I felt exposed. I was specially careful and reserved when I was around Alex. I felt that the tiniest display of emotion from me would translate into affection that would show in bold red letter across my face. I didn't want to be labeled as something out-of-ordinary or abnormal.

I had stayed in a school where I was called 'Geek' and 'Nerd' for about six years. A new school meant a new chance on life, it meant that I could totally recreate myself. Nobody needs to know about the geeky sixteen year old who couldn't sink a single basket if his life depended on it. Nobody needed to know about the nerdy sixteen year old who qualified for the Inter-school Creative Writing competition every year but never managed to win. I had a brand new start and I was a part of the 'Cool' crowd. I was doing pretty good in school as well. I definitely didn't want it to end. Just 7 more months and then I graduate and head into my University life.

Day in and day out, I saw this kid being bullied by his classmates and by his senior; my classmates. Often when a group of students assembled, they would make fun of the way he walked or how he talked or his limp wrist or how he rolled his eyes. When we had our formal dinner, he wore a pink tie and I remember somebody making a comment about how everyone expected him to wear pink. He took it with a smile. He was a nice kid, very well-mannered from what I remember.

One time he got into a fight was when another student threw an insult about his parents. I was a proctor so I had to jump in between to stop the fight. The shrimp couldn't defend himself but he was putting up a terrific fight. I pulled him away and took him into a corner. "You really should not have started that fight, you know!", I told him sarcastically. "He could have easily beaten you into pulp!"

"As if I care!", he spat out wiping the sweat forming on his brow. "I'm everybody's punching bag around here! Everybody's favorite past-time is to pick on me! And you proctors are absolutely useless at controlling them!"

I bit my lip. I was truly ashamed. He was like me, except he had not been as lucky as I had been in disguising himself into molding to ensure easy survival. I didn't know what to say next. He took my silence as his cue to exit, which he did after washing his tear tracks. He didn't come back to the cafeteria where the fight first took place. I figured he had probably wandered off to the library or the art-room or somewhere to be alone. When the bell rang for my class, all thoughts about him vanished from my mind. It remained that way for most of the day. I didn't see him till school got off. He was standing by the tuck shop sipping a soda. I made my way over so as to apologize. "I'm sorry about today. I should have stopped him before it got to fists!", I said in all honesty.

He looked up with the straw still in his mouth. "Don't sweat it! It's an everyday scene with me! I've more or less gotten used to it by now! It's just two years anyways, then I won't be running into these idiots again!"

"Don't mind me saying this!" I said hesitantly, "But the fault is partly yours. If you stood up for yourself from the start, things would have never really gotten this worse!"

"I tried everything, Phunk!", he told me dejectedly "I tried everything! I tried everyday! But it's just me and it's a whole bunch of them! I can't fight them everyday! I can't fight them all! I can't fight anymore!". Anybody listening could have easily sensed the despair and hopelessness that clung to his speech. He was fighting for those words to come out. "I just pray it's all over soon and I move on from here unharmed! There is no hope for me here. Nobody really understands whatever I have going on with me. You're being nice and that's great. But even you don't!".

Boy, was he wrong! 

I wanted to hug him but I didn't. I couldn't. I just rubbed his back and treated him to a burger that we split in half. I never came out of the closet to him and then I graduated. We had become friends or as much friends that we could become given the social stigma that surrounded him. I graduated and moved on to my University. While he was in his senior year, I visited my school three times on separate occasions just for fun. He was a proctor now and from what I heard, he was a favorite amongst his juniors. I was very happy for him. A few months later he graduated. Though I visited my school later on many times as well but I only saw him on the alumni get-together that the students organized. I always made sure that an invitation got to him.

The last time I met him which was December 2009, he was enrolled in a hotel management course. He had dropped out of the engineering degree his father wanted him to do and was pursuing something he felt strongly about. I couldn't help but wish him the best in everything. I'm hoping that I get to witness great things from him in the future. He was bullied and ridiculed about his sexuality, even though he was closeted and nobody had any concrete proof about him being gay. But he survived it. He is in a better place now. But would all this have been possible if the bullying had pushed him over the edge?

The recent teen suicide incidents have left me completely shaken. Being unsure about your own self is worse enough, but having somebody pick on you because of that is the absolute pits. Pushing somebody so much that they resort to the only means of ending it. They end themselves!

Justin Aaberg, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Seth Walsh and Tyler Clementi all are no more because of some people who just felt that they didn't deserve to live. How many more are to be laid to rest before a change comes?

Junior

Sometime around January this year, I ran into this fellow on Orkut who turned out to be from my college. But that detail came much later than usual. It started off like usual, random talks and getting to know each other better. He made a comment that I had quite a large number of scraps and proceeded to ask me how long I have been on this profile; Scraps are like wall messages on Facebook, anyone can see them!

I told him about 2 years, give or take a few months. He followed that up with a couple of more questions if I am on any other gay social networking sites. I replied in negative. He then asked if I had a boyfriend, which I also replied in negative. This was all in the same month, I was single during those days. Our talks were primarily gay themed, though nothing sexual. He's 19 years old and I have absolutely no interest in younger men. Sure, I may admire them from a distance but it would be a very strange day if I make a move. So everything from my side was entirely platonic. There was definitely something from his side but I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was. I believe it was curiosity. His questionnaire was starting to irritate me, so I tried to shift our talks to other topics.

After a taste of Phunk, he enjoyed talking with me. He often commented that I was different from the usual people he ran into around here. He liked that I wasn't prodding for details and I wasn't keeping things gay. I laughed at the irony of that comment. A few chats earlier he was the one gaying up everything. As our talks continued, he asked me whether I'm working or studying. I told him I'm studying to be a doctor. Being naturally curious, he asked me what college I'm studying from.

Now that detail was something extremely personal. I don't lie, so instead of telling the name of my college I told him the name of the group my college belongs to. I asked him the same, to which he lied and came up with the name of some college. I asked details about his courses, just trying to making a conversation. I noticed there was a hesitancy in his replies and he was no longer using any emoticons. He signed off after a few minutes, but I didn't suspect anything.

We chatted again for a few days. He kept asking for picture. Not nude ones but simple face pics. I still wasn't entirely trusting him so I kept on denying his requests. But everytime we talked, he would ask me the same. After some time I got sick of him and blocked him on my messenger. If he scrapped me, I would reply to it making it as concise as I could. I guess he suspected that he crossed a line somewhere and apologized for his actions. I acknowledged his effort and replied positively. I didn't unblock him yet though, I still don't know why. It must have skipped my mind.

A few days later he asked me why I'm not coming online on the messenger, so I told him that I do come online. I signed in and noticed that he was still blocked. I immediately unblocked him and apologized. I explained that his asking/begging for pics was annoying me so I had blocked him. He didn't object to my actions and asked me if I could keep a secret.

Honestly speaking, I think I can keep a secret. But I didn't know where this was leading to so I told him whatever he wants to tell me, he may only do so if he feels comfortable. I really didn't want another drama on my hands. After a moment of silence, he told me that he wants to share something with me but will only do so if I don't spread it further. Some people can push my buttons so freak'in easily, it's unbelievable!

"Do you want me to block you again?", I asked.

"No!", he replied immediately.

He followed that statement with a direct question about my college. "Do you study in XYZ?", he asked.

Crap! How'd he find out?, I wondered. In any case I wasn't ready to have another gay friend from my college, so I denied.

"You are lying!", he replied immediately.

At this point, I was furious. "And how do you know I am lying?", I asked.

"You know you're stuff really well and these kind of people only go to this college. It's the best in the group and even if you don't tell me, I'm pretty damn sure you are from this college!", he told me.

I was beyond furious now. "Why do you care what college I am from?", I asked.

"Because I'm from the same college, but I'm in first year!", he blurted out.

"What?", I asked in surprise. "You're from XYZ?" I asked again.

"Yes!", he accepted.

"First year?", I asked.

"Yeah!", he said.

"And exactly why did you lie to me?", I asked still extremely furious. At this point I was more angry at myself than at him. I know he lied and everything, which was justified to some extent. But how in the world did I trust him so easily and told him my critical details.

"I was scared to tell you!", he told me. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry for doing what I did! But the thought that I am becoming friends with a gay person who could possibly be from my own college scared me and I don't even know who you are! You could be one of those seniors who bullies juniors around and makes us do their journals and mark attendance!" he reasoned.

"Whatever! I don't care what college you are from, you should have at least told me the truth!", I barked back. A minute later I got an email from him. "What did you just send me? An apology letter?", I asked rudely.

"No! I sent you my pic!", he replied. "If you don't mind, I'd like to see you too!"

I didn't want to show him myself. Partly because I was still angry at him and the other reason that I didn't have a pic of myself on me at that moment. I trashed his email. "I deleted your email!", I told him. "If you want to see me that bad, meet me at the fountain tomorrow!" and I logged off.

I never told him this detail but later the same night, I opened the email he sent me and checked him out. I had seen him around college a few times but he never showed up on my gaydar. I believe I have dragged this post on very long, I'll post more later but I have a feeling you'll be enjoying this drama queen alot!

Junior

Sometime around January this year, I ran into this fellow on Orkut who turned out to be from my college. But that detail came much later than usual. It started off like usual, random talks and getting to know each other better. He made a comment that I had quite a large number of scraps and proceeded to ask me how long I have been on this profile; Scraps are like wall messages on Facebook, anyone can see them!

I told him about 2 years, give or take a few months. He followed that up with a couple of more questions if I am on any other gay social networking sites. I replied in negative. He then asked if I had a boyfriend, which I also replied in negative. This was all in the same month, I was single during those days. Our talks were primarily gay themed, though nothing sexual. He's 19 years old and I have absolutely no interest in younger men. Sure, I may admire them from a distance but it would be a very strange day if I make a move. So everything from my side was entirely platonic. There was definitely something from his side but I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was. I believe it was curiosity. His questionnaire was starting to irritate me, so I tried to shift our talks to other topics.

After a taste of Phunk, he enjoyed talking with me. He often commented that I was different from the usual people he ran into around here. He liked that I wasn't prodding for details and I wasn't keeping things gay. I laughed at the irony of that comment. A few chats earlier he was the one gaying up everything. As our talks continued, he asked me whether I'm working or studying. I told him I'm studying to be a doctor. Being naturally curious, he asked me what college I'm studying from.

Now that detail was something extremely personal. I don't lie, so instead of telling the name of my college I told him the name of the group my college belongs to. I asked him the same, to which he lied and came up with the name of some college. I asked details about his courses, just trying to making a conversation. I noticed there was a hesitancy in his replies and he was no longer using any emoticons. He signed off after a few minutes, but I didn't suspect anything.

We chatted again for a few days. He kept asking for picture. Not nude ones but simple face pics. I still wasn't entirely trusting him so I kept on denying his requests. But everytime we talked, he would ask me the same. After some time I got sick of him and blocked him on my messenger. If he scrapped me, I would reply to it making it as concise as I could. I guess he suspected that he crossed a line somewhere and apologized for his actions. I acknowledged his effort and replied positively. I didn't unblock him yet though, I still don't know why. It must have skipped my mind.

A few days later he asked me why I'm not coming online on the messenger, so I told him that I do come online. I signed in and noticed that he was still blocked. I immediately unblocked him and apologized. I explained that his asking/begging for pics was annoying me so I had blocked him. He didn't object to my actions and asked me if I could keep a secret.

Honestly speaking, I think I can keep a secret. But I didn't know where this was leading to so I told him whatever he wants to tell me, he may only do so if he feels comfortable. I really didn't want another drama on my hands. After a moment of silence, he told me that he wants to share something with me but will only do so if I don't spread it further. Some people can push my buttons so freak'in easily, it's unbelievable!

"Do you want me to block you again?", I asked.

"No!", he replied immediately.

He followed that statement with a direct question about my college. "Do you study in XYZ?", he asked.

Crap! How'd he find out?, I wondered. In any case I wasn't ready to have another gay friend from my college, so I denied.

"You are lying!", he replied immediately.

At this point, I was furious. "And how do you know I am lying?", I asked.

"You know you're stuff really well and these kind of people only go to this college. It's the best in the group and even if you don't tell me, I'm pretty damn sure you are from this college!", he told me.

I was beyond furious now. "Why do you care what college I am from?", I asked.

"Because I'm from the same college, but I'm in first year!", he blurted out.

"What?", I asked in surprise. "You're from XYZ?" I asked again.

"Yes!", he accepted.

"First year?", I asked.

"Yeah!", he said.

"And exactly why did you lie to me?", I asked still extremely furious. At this point I was more angry at myself than at him. I know he lied and everything, which was justified to some extent. But how in the world did I trust him so easily and told him my critical details.

"I was scared to tell you!", he told me. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry for doing what I did! But the thought that I am becoming friends with a gay person who could possibly be from my own college scared me and I don't even know who you are! You could be one of those seniors who bullies juniors around and makes us do their journals and mark attendance!" he reasoned.

"Whatever! I don't care what college you are from, you should have at least told me the truth!", I barked back. A minute later I got an email from him. "What did you just send me? An apology letter?", I asked rudely.

"No! I sent you my pic!", he replied. "If you don't mind, I'd like to see you too!"

I didn't want to show him myself. Partly because I was still angry at him and the other reason that I didn't have a pic of myself on me at that moment. I trashed his email. "I deleted your email!", I told him. "If you want to see me that bad, meet me at the fountain tomorrow!" and I logged off.

I never told him this detail but later the same night, I opened the email he sent me and checked him out. I had seen him around college a few times but he never showed up on my gaydar. I believe I have dragged this post on very long, I'll post more later but I have a feeling you'll be enjoying this drama queen alot!

Lights, Camera, Action!

This post was supposed to go up yesterday but I couldn't find time to write it down till now. It took three sitting for me to complete it, but I finally managed. So here's it, guys. Nathan and my first date together, as a real-time couple.

 

I woke up on the morning of 26th with a strange feeling, my stomach was feeling queasy. I hadn't slept properly the last night. My kept waking up and falling back to sleep but never had a chance to rest properly. I remember having the same feeling when I was 16 and was going to the beach for the first time for two entire days. It was a pleasant but strange feeling at the same time. I wasn't scared of what might happen in a few hours, but the thought that the moment is finally here seemed really surreal to me.

Everything for the next day was laid out the night before. When I said everything, I meant everything! The clothes, the shoes, the deo I was going to use, the shower gel I wanted, the hair gel. I don't think I ever got this ready for anybody, not even Bruce. I guess that's because the first time I met Bruce I wasn't expecting him and I wasn't really interested it. But anyhow, this post is about Nathan and me so let's stick to that.

I started to get ready as soon as mom left for work, I didn't want her to get suspicious at all. My mum can detect the minutest things that I try to slip past her radar, there was no way I could keep this one down if she stumbles upon it. So as soon as I heard the car drive away, I dashed to the washroom. A quick shave and a bath later, I was standing in my room. My mind was thinking to change the shirt I had picked out, but I knew it was a panic attack and I had put together something good. Grey graffiti t-shirt and ice blue jeans, with red n white streakers. I didn't want to get too dressy because Nathan had specifically instructed not to come that way, it would be an easy tip-off about what was really going on. And by 10 am, I was all ready. I picked up my bag which had a small gift for Nathan and some books, I was actually pretending to go to college for some work. God, I felt like I was on some secret mission.

I boarded the good bus which I had to wait a really long time for since I didn't want to get all sweaty. I regretted having banged up my car so bad at that moment, I actually felt tempted to sneak it away. Nobody needed it at home that day anyway, but I chickened out. A forty minute bus ride later I boarded a rickshaw or as you might call it a tuk-tuk to the mall.

On the way I texted Nathan that I'm about to reach and I got a prompt reply full of apologies that he just got up. He had set an alarm for 10 am, but he had forgot to set the clock to Pakistan's time. I had no option but to wait now, so I told him to get ready and be at the mall by 12. I looked at my clock, it was 10:56 am. This one hour is going to be super-hard!

I entered the mall and decided to go to browse a few of my favorite stores. I had to do something to kill time, so I went into one of the book stores and sat down with my books. A while later I felt thirsty so I left the book-store and went to get a bottle from the convenience store located inside the mall. As I left the store I glanced at my watch and it was ten minutes to 12 pm, so I rushed back to my initial watch out spot.

I told Nathan that there will be a little game we will be playing. We basically have to look for the other person, who ever finds the other first gets have one wish fulfilled no matter what it is. Nathan and I compete alot in arguments and mostly I win. I was so sure that he's going to come through the gate and I'm going to text him 'Look up!' and I'd win. I wanted to ask the guard if there were any other entrances to the mall but decided not to. I had a bag over my shoulders and I kept circling a specific spot. They would probably think of me as some crazy terrorist dude and bust me uselessly. Nathan was far more familiar with this mall and by habit as it was closest to his home, he took the side entrance and spotted me in a jiffy. Crap!

He texted me to wait there, he's coming up. I had no option but to oblige, had I run away not only would have that been wrong but a thing that sore-losers do. So I stood there waiting for him to show up. And then, this voice came from behind me 'Hey!', I turned around and there he stood.

He looked amazing. He wasn't dressed like some rich-daddy's baby but he looked stylish. He had a black v-neck on which showed the beginning of the cleavage and a few chest hair. Faded jeans that hugged his hips and out-lined his legs. Black shoes that seemed really comfortable and a pair of shades that hung from the collar. All I could think of was, 'Man, I lucked out!'

We hugged, but it wasn't a long one. There was some crowd around us, we didn't want to attract much attention. "I was so not expecting to win! My mind was set to loose!", Nathan smiled.

"But you didn't, so what is it that you want me to do?", I asked.

"Since you had planned this and you were so sure you were going to win, you tell me what did you plan to do!", he ordered. We were walking around the mall now.

"You really want to waste it on that?", I asked.

"No, that's my request as your boyfriend to tell me. What I want, that comes later!", he replied.

"Not telling!", I say. I couldn't believe it. I was actually feeling shy in front of him. Normally I talk alot and when we're chatting my messages are lines long and his are in two or three lines. Rarely does he send me long messages. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him, I wanted to. Even though I lost, maybe he still might go along. But I was feeling so bloody shy.

"I won't let it go, until you tell me!", he argued. "It's no use hiding! I'm going to keep bringing it up again and again, till you tell me!" he explained. So I mustered up all the courage I got and told him about my secret plans. I had planned to take him to this really empty building that was behind the mall. I've been there once, my friend's dad's office is on the top-most floor. The lower ones are mostly empty. So I planned to take him there and we could have kissed. I so badly wanted a kiss from him. I had actually waited about 4 months for this moment and I was ready to take some risks for some tongue action.

Nathan was shocked upon the revelation, he said the idea was exciting but risky. He said it wasn't possible, but he promised that he'll manage some alone time on some day where we could engage in couple activities that are meant to be done in private. I felt like sixteen and stupid again, but wasn't complaining.

We walked around talking about his flight, the past day. I told him he turned out to be taller than I expected him to be, he could only smile. Who ever thought Nathan was incapable of blushing should have seen him then.

We were on the ground floor when we noticed a camera crew setting up for some variety program. Nathan hates video cameras, I've been on a some a few times but I have the same opinion. Don't get the impression I'm famous or something, variety shows are really popular in Pakistan and these people barge in just about anywhere to make on. My on-screen moment happened earlier just this year and then one back in 2006. Both were equally bad, if you ask me!

So in order to avoid the camera we ducked into the food court, where Nathan revealed how he'd be using his wish; He was going to foot for the entire bill. I so didn't see that coming. I was thinking something more along the lines of naughty, since I always poke him that he isn't that all. But he argues that I just don't know him that well yet. So here I was dating the guy who was willing to foot for the entire bill no-matter-what. We decided on two pan pizza. But we didn't eat that much, coming back if I had known I would have told him to get one and we would have shared it.

We waited in the near-empty food court. I asked about his family, since I really didn't know anything about it. Maybe it was the wrong conversation to have, but I really couldn't think of anything then. I kept saying 'Wassup?', and Nathan had to come up with something new each time. On my fourth call-out, he threatened to punch me if I said it again. LOL!

The pizza came and Nathan was super-hungry. He didn't count the fact that it would be hot and took this huge bite, after which he was blowing air in his mouth. I told him to be careful with the knife and fork, got a glare in return. With food in the scene, the topic shifted to the same. Nathan's a slow-eater, he narrated a scene to me once when he was having dinner at his friend's place. Everybody was done eating and was waiting for him to finish up. He didn't actually realize it till he saw everyone looking at him, so he leaned in to ask his friend. When his friend told him that they're waiting because of him, he had no option but to gulp down the food as quickly as he could. Surprisingly and fortunately, I'm a slow eater as well. My mum instructed the policy of chewing each bite 32 times, but the food didn't last till 32. Nevertheless she was successful in making a slow-eater out of me.

Nathan noticed I wasn't touching my coke all that often, so he asked me 'Why?'

No option to run, so I told him that I don't drink soft drinks all that often. Yeah, I avoid soft-drinks and energy drinks as much as possible. I'd rather have plain mineral water or fruit juice instead. Nathan is the complete opposite but that's not a problem. He joked that at least his coke would be safe from me. My turn to glare!

We got up without finishing the entire pizza. Since Nathan had paid for the main course, my dibs were on the dessert. But that came way later. We wanted to walk around some more. The camera crew had moved to the first floor and we had no option to move to the ground floor. "Scared to be caught on camera?", I teased.

"Not really. If someone sees this they're going to think that you lost your mommy and I was helping you locate her. That would be such a dent in my bad-boy image!", Nathan shot back. Is there a rule against hitting your boyfriend in public?, I wondered.

Nathan said that he wanted to buy a shirt, so I took the step "Will you be changing the shirt in front of me?", I asked sweetly.

"This is 2010. There is a thing known as changing rooms, I would take you there but I doubt it's big enough to fit the two of us!", he winked.

I knew it was a lost, there is no way I'm getting a public display of affection out of him. I asked him if he'd like his dessert now, "Yeah, sure! I was wondering if you had forgotten!" Nathan said in his as-a-matter-of-fact tone. I offered him double scoop but he told the soda-jerk one scoop specifically. He had Mocca Chino and I had Twiks. "Twinks!", he whispered in my ears.

I looked around to see what he meant, "I'm taking about your ice-cream, dumbo!" he remarked amused. I was finally convinced, I had a really naughty puppy on my hands. We finished them and continued with shirt shopping. We were at this shop, Nathan was browsing when Lady GaGa's Alejandro started playing. "Your favorite?", he asked.

"Your talking about the song or yourself?", I winked. Alejandro is one of the songs I do like, but I'm not crazy about it. However I do find myself singing it a few times, and predictably I was singing it as we left the store. As I hummed "You know that I love you boy, hot like Mexico!", Nathan turned around 'Why, thank you!". I swear I never have had this much fun on any date before. There were no awkward pauses, no second-guessing, no inappropriate comments, no looking at other men. Just me and him having a good time. No, not good. Make it great time!

Nathan asked if we could take a look at the stores on the first floor, who was I to complain; More time to spend together! Just as we were about to board the escalators, Nathan spotted the camera crew. He told me to wait down and come up a while later. He told me the shop he would be in, so that I can take a different route but end up there. I agreed and watch him leave. As the escalator rose, my eyes fell on his ass and I felt naughty.

"Awesome ass!", I texted him. I heard Nathan's cell ring and saw him read the message. He snapped it back and gave me one of his naughty smiles. What do you know, finally an inappropriate comment but so correctly place.

Sadly the stores on the first floor didn't carry anything good either. Nathan had to return empty handed. It was around 2pm then, I had to be back home soon so as not to arouse suspicion. "You need to go now, right?", he asked.

"Yeah!" I told him. "Sorry, I wish I could stay longer!"

"Why are you apologizing? The date was cut-short because of me, I should be apologizing to you!", he said with a sad tone.

"No, it's okay! I had a blast anyways, just make sure you come on-time on Wednesday!", I told him as I took out the package I had bought for him. He was staying with his grand-parents in Pakistan and they had no net connection at their home, so he was solely surviving on the TV Series he had brought from his home. I gave him the first season of 'Life As We Know It'. It's one of the most guy orientated series I've ever seen and the cast is super-cute. He thanked me and we hugged again. I wanted to hold on to him for a while longer but the public didn't permit it. "Text me when you get home, okay?", he told me.

"Will do! See you on Wednesday!", I said and turned away.

As I boarded the tuk-tuk, I couldn't help but think how amazing the past few hours had been. I can grow old to be 80, but I won't ever forget my first date with Nathan. Never ever!

Lights, Camera, Action!

This post was supposed to go up yesterday but I couldn't find time to write it down till now. It took three sitting for me to complete it, but I finally managed. So here's it, guys. Nathan and my first date together, as a real-time couple.

 

I woke up on the morning of 26th with a strange feeling, my stomach was feeling queasy. I hadn't slept properly the last night. My kept waking up and falling back to sleep but never had a chance to rest properly. I remember having the same feeling when I was 16 and was going to the beach for the first time for two entire days. It was a pleasant but strange feeling at the same time. I wasn't scared of what might happen in a few hours, but the thought that the moment is finally here seemed really surreal to me.

Everything for the next day was laid out the night before. When I said everything, I meant everything! The clothes, the shoes, the deo I was going to use, the shower gel I wanted, the hair gel. I don't think I ever got this ready for anybody, not even Bruce. I guess that's because the first time I met Bruce I wasn't expecting him and I wasn't really interested it. But anyhow, this post is about Nathan and me so let's stick to that.

I started to get ready as soon as mom left for work, I didn't want her to get suspicious at all. My mum can detect the minutest things that I try to slip past her radar, there was no way I could keep this one down if she stumbles upon it. So as soon as I heard the car drive away, I dashed to the washroom. A quick shave and a bath later, I was standing in my room. My mind was thinking to change the shirt I had picked out, but I knew it was a panic attack and I had put together something good. Grey graffiti t-shirt and ice blue jeans, with red n white streakers. I didn't want to get too dressy because Nathan had specifically instructed not to come that way, it would be an easy tip-off about what was really going on. And by 10 am, I was all ready. I picked up my bag which had a small gift for Nathan and some books, I was actually pretending to go to college for some work. God, I felt like I was on some secret mission.

I boarded the good bus which I had to wait a really long time for since I didn't want to get all sweaty. I regretted having banged up my car so bad at that moment, I actually felt tempted to sneak it away. Nobody needed it at home that day anyway, but I chickened out. A forty minute bus ride later I boarded a rickshaw or as you might call it a tuk-tuk to the mall.

On the way I texted Nathan that I'm about to reach and I got a prompt reply full of apologies that he just got up. He had set an alarm for 10 am, but he had forgot to set the clock to Pakistan's time. I had no option but to wait now, so I told him to get ready and be at the mall by 12. I looked at my clock, it was 10:56 am. This one hour is going to be super-hard!

I entered the mall and decided to go to browse a few of my favorite stores. I had to do something to kill time, so I went into one of the book stores and sat down with my books. A while later I felt thirsty so I left the book-store and went to get a bottle from the convenience store located inside the mall. As I left the store I glanced at my watch and it was ten minutes to 12 pm, so I rushed back to my initial watch out spot.

I told Nathan that there will be a little game we will be playing. We basically have to look for the other person, who ever finds the other first gets have one wish fulfilled no matter what it is. Nathan and I compete alot in arguments and mostly I win. I was so sure that he's going to come through the gate and I'm going to text him 'Look up!' and I'd win. I wanted to ask the guard if there were any other entrances to the mall but decided not to. I had a bag over my shoulders and I kept circling a specific spot. They would probably think of me as some crazy terrorist dude and bust me uselessly. Nathan was far more familiar with this mall and by habit as it was closest to his home, he took the side entrance and spotted me in a jiffy. Crap!

He texted me to wait there, he's coming up. I had no option but to oblige, had I run away not only would have that been wrong but a thing that sore-losers do. So I stood there waiting for him to show up. And then, this voice came from behind me 'Hey!', I turned around and there he stood.

He looked amazing. He wasn't dressed like some rich-daddy's baby but he looked stylish. He had a black v-neck on which showed the beginning of the cleavage and a few chest hair. Faded jeans that hugged his hips and out-lined his legs. Black shoes that seemed really comfortable and a pair of shades that hung from the collar. All I could think of was, 'Man, I lucked out!'

We hugged, but it wasn't a long one. There was some crowd around us, we didn't want to attract much attention. "I was so not expecting to win! My mind was set to loose!", Nathan smiled.

"But you didn't, so what is it that you want me to do?", I asked.

"Since you had planned this and you were so sure you were going to win, you tell me what did you plan to do!", he ordered. We were walking around the mall now.

"You really want to waste it on that?", I asked.

"No, that's my request as your boyfriend to tell me. What I want, that comes later!", he replied.

"Not telling!", I say. I couldn't believe it. I was actually feeling shy in front of him. Normally I talk alot and when we're chatting my messages are lines long and his are in two or three lines. Rarely does he send me long messages. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell him, I wanted to. Even though I lost, maybe he still might go along. But I was feeling so bloody shy.

"I won't let it go, until you tell me!", he argued. "It's no use hiding! I'm going to keep bringing it up again and again, till you tell me!" he explained. So I mustered up all the courage I got and told him about my secret plans. I had planned to take him to this really empty building that was behind the mall. I've been there once, my friend's dad's office is on the top-most floor. The lower ones are mostly empty. So I planned to take him there and we could have kissed. I so badly wanted a kiss from him. I had actually waited about 4 months for this moment and I was ready to take some risks for some tongue action.

Nathan was shocked upon the revelation, he said the idea was exciting but risky. He said it wasn't possible, but he promised that he'll manage some alone time on some day where we could engage in couple activities that are meant to be done in private. I felt like sixteen and stupid again, but wasn't complaining.

We walked around talking about his flight, the past day. I told him he turned out to be taller than I expected him to be, he could only smile. Who ever thought Nathan was incapable of blushing should have seen him then.

We were on the ground floor when we noticed a camera crew setting up for some variety program. Nathan hates video cameras, I've been on a some a few times but I have the same opinion. Don't get the impression I'm famous or something, variety shows are really popular in Pakistan and these people barge in just about anywhere to make on. My on-screen moment happened earlier just this year and then one back in 2006. Both were equally bad, if you ask me!

So in order to avoid the camera we ducked into the food court, where Nathan revealed how he'd be using his wish; He was going to foot for the entire bill. I so didn't see that coming. I was thinking something more along the lines of naughty, since I always poke him that he isn't that all. But he argues that I just don't know him that well yet. So here I was dating the guy who was willing to foot for the entire bill no-matter-what. We decided on two pan pizza. But we didn't eat that much, coming back if I had known I would have told him to get one and we would have shared it.

We waited in the near-empty food court. I asked about his family, since I really didn't know anything about it. Maybe it was the wrong conversation to have, but I really couldn't think of anything then. I kept saying 'Wassup?', and Nathan had to come up with something new each time. On my fourth call-out, he threatened to punch me if I said it again. LOL!

The pizza came and Nathan was super-hungry. He didn't count the fact that it would be hot and took this huge bite, after which he was blowing air in his mouth. I told him to be careful with the knife and fork, got a glare in return. With food in the scene, the topic shifted to the same. Nathan's a slow-eater, he narrated a scene to me once when he was having dinner at his friend's place. Everybody was done eating and was waiting for him to finish up. He didn't actually realize it till he saw everyone looking at him, so he leaned in to ask his friend. When his friend told him that they're waiting because of him, he had no option but to gulp down the food as quickly as he could. Surprisingly and fortunately, I'm a slow eater as well. My mum instructed the policy of chewing each bite 32 times, but the food didn't last till 32. Nevertheless she was successful in making a slow-eater out of me.

Nathan noticed I wasn't touching my coke all that often, so he asked me 'Why?'

No option to run, so I told him that I don't drink soft drinks all that often. Yeah, I avoid soft-drinks and energy drinks as much as possible. I'd rather have plain mineral water or fruit juice instead. Nathan is the complete opposite but that's not a problem. He joked that at least his coke would be safe from me. My turn to glare!

We got up without finishing the entire pizza. Since Nathan had paid for the main course, my dibs were on the dessert. But that came way later. We wanted to walk around some more. The camera crew had moved to the first floor and we had no option to move to the ground floor. "Scared to be caught on camera?", I teased.

"Not really. If someone sees this they're going to think that you lost your mommy and I was helping you locate her. That would be such a dent in my bad-boy image!", Nathan shot back. Is there a rule against hitting your boyfriend in public?, I wondered.

Nathan said that he wanted to buy a shirt, so I took the step "Will you be changing the shirt in front of me?", I asked sweetly.

"This is 2010. There is a thing known as changing rooms, I would take you there but I doubt it's big enough to fit the two of us!", he winked.

I knew it was a lost, there is no way I'm getting a public display of affection out of him. I asked him if he'd like his dessert now, "Yeah, sure! I was wondering if you had forgotten!" Nathan said in his as-a-matter-of-fact tone. I offered him double scoop but he told the soda-jerk one scoop specifically. He had Mocca Chino and I had Twiks. "Twinks!", he whispered in my ears.

I looked around to see what he meant, "I'm taking about your ice-cream, dumbo!" he remarked amused. I was finally convinced, I had a really naughty puppy on my hands. We finished them and continued with shirt shopping. We were at this shop, Nathan was browsing when Lady GaGa's Alejandro started playing. "Your favorite?", he asked.

"Your talking about the song or yourself?", I winked. Alejandro is one of the songs I do like, but I'm not crazy about it. However I do find myself singing it a few times, and predictably I was singing it as we left the store. As I hummed "You know that I love you boy, hot like Mexico!", Nathan turned around 'Why, thank you!". I swear I never have had this much fun on any date before. There were no awkward pauses, no second-guessing, no inappropriate comments, no looking at other men. Just me and him having a good time. No, not good. Make it great time!

Nathan asked if we could take a look at the stores on the first floor, who was I to complain; More time to spend together! Just as we were about to board the escalators, Nathan spotted the camera crew. He told me to wait down and come up a while later. He told me the shop he would be in, so that I can take a different route but end up there. I agreed and watch him leave. As the escalator rose, my eyes fell on his ass and I felt naughty.

"Awesome ass!", I texted him. I heard Nathan's cell ring and saw him read the message. He snapped it back and gave me one of his naughty smiles. What do you know, finally an inappropriate comment but so correctly place.

Sadly the stores on the first floor didn't carry anything good either. Nathan had to return empty handed. It was around 2pm then, I had to be back home soon so as not to arouse suspicion. "You need to go now, right?", he asked.

"Yeah!" I told him. "Sorry, I wish I could stay longer!"

"Why are you apologizing? The date was cut-short because of me, I should be apologizing to you!", he said with a sad tone.

"No, it's okay! I had a blast anyways, just make sure you come on-time on Wednesday!", I told him as I took out the package I had bought for him. He was staying with his grand-parents in Pakistan and they had no net connection at their home, so he was solely surviving on the TV Series he had brought from his home. I gave him the first season of 'Life As We Know It'. It's one of the most guy orientated series I've ever seen and the cast is super-cute. He thanked me and we hugged again. I wanted to hold on to him for a while longer but the public didn't permit it. "Text me when you get home, okay?", he told me.

"Will do! See you on Wednesday!", I said and turned away.

As I boarded the tuk-tuk, I couldn't help but think how amazing the past few hours had been. I can grow old to be 80, but I won't ever forget my first date with Nathan. Never ever!