Damages

A friend of mine just broke up with his 2 year long boyfriend a few days ago. They had been having a little trouble lately as his boyfriend was loosing interest in my friend. Before breaking up, he confessed to my friend about his fading attraction and promised that while he was attracted to other guys - he had not slept with any. Not wanting to cheat on my friend, he broke it off before the temptations could take their toll. My friend had also been feeling a tad bit awkward with all the make-overs he was being put through as his boyfriend tried to find something to ignite the fire inside himself once again for my friend.

Their story started sometimes towards the end of 2008 through Orkut. After a few meets, they decided to try for something more and it proved to be a great decision. It was a first for both of them. They are the only gay couple I've been out with in my life. My friend's boyfriend never took liking to me but that's okay. As long as he liked my friend, I really didn't care!

When I got my friend's call, I immediately guessed what had happened. To be completely honest, their love story was like my ideal story. Who has ever heard of a two year long relation? And that too in such a conservative society like Pakistan!

At that point I really didn't know what to do or say. My mind was completely muzzled but my heart had alot of things to say about his ex and none were too pleasant. I told him point blank that his ex is an idiot for leaving him but a nice idiot for not cheating on him. My friend is quite definitely not the best looking guy in town but he is not something you would slam the door on. Plus after being with someone for two years, it seems stupid to walk away on the account of fading attraction.

"You'll find someone suitable in due time!", I told him.

"Perhaps! But I will not love him the same way I loved D! I can never love the same way!"

"You will! Stop being so stupid! Why do you feel that way?", I asked.

"Because I'm damaged now!", he tells me. "If I ever love again, the part of me that loves D will still exist. It may have become lesser, but it will always be there. The new person will never really have the 'whole' of me. That's the problem with love!"

I didn't quite understand his point, so I asked for an explanation. "You never really stop loving them - you may hate them at some point. But in both cases, you care. You will never be completely oblivious of them. Next time round, you are more cautious! More careful! More mechanical! You don't let yourself love easily - and if by chance you see any signs of things going how they went the last time you run for the hills. It just doesn't happen like it happened the first time round!" And that part of the conversation has been stuck in my head ever since!

There is a little piece inside of me that tells me that I will be the biggest fool on Earth if I fall for someone as hard as I did for Nathan. No need to make him feel special! No need to make him realize that I'll be here always. No need to do any of those things I love doing for that other person. There is no point of being in love when it all can go up in flames any second now!

But then another part of me says that I'm stronger now. If I am more cautious or even mechanical - it's because I want to get it right. I know better now of what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it. If I want to love someone, I would have to listen to the latter. But I don't know! I would definitely not like to be in a relationship where I would have to restrict my feelings in fear of being hurt.

I feel sad for my friend. He is a great guy - and if it's indeed true that he will never be able to love someone the same way again then somebody out there may just have lost the most compliant boyfriend ever!

Damages

A friend of mine just broke up with his 2 year long boyfriend a few days ago. They had been having a little trouble lately as his boyfriend was loosing interest in my friend. Before breaking up, he confessed to my friend about his fading attraction and promised that while he was attracted to other guys - he had not slept with any. Not wanting to cheat on my friend, he broke it off before the temptations could take their toll. My friend had also been feeling a tad bit awkward with all the make-overs he was being put through as his boyfriend tried to find something to ignite the fire inside himself once again for my friend.

Their story started sometimes towards the end of 2008 through Orkut. After a few meets, they decided to try for something more and it proved to be a great decision. It was a first for both of them. They are the only gay couple I've been out with in my life. My friend's boyfriend never took liking to me but that's okay. As long as he liked my friend, I really didn't care!

When I got my friend's call, I immediately guessed what had happened. To be completely honest, their love story was like my ideal story. Who has ever heard of a two year long relation? And that too in such a conservative society like Pakistan!

At that point I really didn't know what to do or say. My mind was completely muzzled but my heart had alot of things to say about his ex and none were too pleasant. I told him point blank that his ex is an idiot for leaving him but a nice idiot for not cheating on him. My friend is quite definitely not the best looking guy in town but he is not something you would slam the door on. Plus after being with someone for two years, it seems stupid to walk away on the account of fading attraction.

"You'll find someone suitable in due time!", I told him.

"Perhaps! But I will not love him the same way I loved D! I can never love the same way!"

"You will! Stop being so stupid! Why do you feel that way?", I asked.

"Because I'm damaged now!", he tells me. "If I ever love again, the part of me that loves D will still exist. It may have become lesser, but it will always be there. The new person will never really have the 'whole' of me. That's the problem with love!"

I didn't quite understand his point, so I asked for an explanation. "You never really stop loving them - you may hate them at some point. But in both cases, you care. You will never be completely oblivious of them. Next time round, you are more cautious! More careful! More mechanical! You don't let yourself love easily - and if by chance you see any signs of things going how they went the last time you run for the hills. It just doesn't happen like it happened the first time round!" And that part of the conversation has been stuck in my head ever since!

There is a little piece inside of me that tells me that I will be the biggest fool on Earth if I fall for someone as hard as I did for Nathan. No need to make him feel special! No need to make him realize that I'll be here always. No need to do any of those things I love doing for that other person. There is no point of being in love when it all can go up in flames any second now!

But then another part of me says that I'm stronger now. If I am more cautious or even mechanical - it's because I want to get it right. I know better now of what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it. If I want to love someone, I would have to listen to the latter. But I don't know! I would definitely not like to be in a relationship where I would have to restrict my feelings in fear of being hurt.

I feel sad for my friend. He is a great guy - and if it's indeed true that he will never be able to love someone the same way again then somebody out there may just have lost the most compliant boyfriend ever!

Grow A Pair

While talking to Ted a few weeks back our topic suddenly shifted to the losers one often tends to run into the Online world. "I know exactly what you mean, dude! I absolutely hate their broken English messages asking for ASL, TBV and stuff like that! They really don't care enough to read the profile!"

"I'm not talking about them, Phunk!"

"Then?"

Turns out he was talking about the guys who are so closeted that they treat other guys like dirt but still would like to date them. They don't tell details or in some cases the right details even after having known you for quite some time. Some even don't care enough to give respect to other guys. Generally they describe themselves to be people in place of much power so they can't risk outing themselves to another gay man in fear of blackmail. They maybe around for a casual no-strings attached encounters. Some are here for more. Some just want the companionship of other gay guys so that they have someone to talk to. In either case, they really don't get anything out of it except blue balls, curses and a few exchange of messages.

Personally speaking, I had never come across such guys so I really didn't have anything to say about them. But then recently I managed to get in touch with two such people and I must say that a good deal of what Ted said was spot on. The first of the two was a married man who I initially came across a little while after my break up with Nathan. I never really got a chance to talk to him till quite recently. On the first talk, I remember he asked me if I was interested in kissing and cuddling. I denied his request as I do not prefer engaging in such activities with random strangers - especially married random strangers. However somehow friendship blossomed between the two of us. There were a few advances after that as well however everytime I would give him a cold shoulder or politely decline him. Another thing about him that didn't settle well with me was when he used to call me 'Darling', 'Sexy' or 'Cutie'. Now these terms could be entirely casual but he was married and it didn't settle right with me to be called the thing his wife should be complimented with. I'll admit his smooth talks made my heart flutter a few times but for once my brain did exactly what it was supposed to - keeping me grounded.

One of the most seductive element about him was his intelligence. Intelligence is a huge turn on for me. The talks I had with him, I had never had these talks with anybody before. We talked about religion, sexuality and the two in connection with each other. This brought another conflict to my mind about him that he doesn't entirely practice what he preaches. But it wasn't my place to say anything.

What really used to tick me off quite a few times was his possessiveness. He didn't like me meeting other guys. He cared about me but not in a way he should have. Somewhere along the lines we shared our pictures and contact details. The picture I sent was my usual one with my entire face visible but the one I got from him was of him wearing shades with his head bent down. I had very little idea how he looked like. The contact number I gave him was the one I usually give to guys I meet Online. The one I got was a brand new number which he didn't use often as I never got replies to my text when I sent them and many times during our conversation he would disappear completely. When I would hit dial, the recording would tell me that the desired number is switched off.

Once my college started, I really had no time to come on messengers where we would usually talk. Once in a while we would exchange messages through our cells but he would disappear just like that so eventually I stopped replying to his text completely. Around the same time, Ted started fixing me up with his best friend which eventually didn't happen. He reads my blog and after reading this post, he immediately contacted me telling me I should not meet any new guys. "You don't want me to meet any new guys! Fine! I won't meet them! But I want to meet you instead!", I told him. I wanted to sort it out and put him in his place once and for all.

He agreed. I told Ted to not fix me up yet as I have some things to sort out. I started to plan the meet and gave him several places to choose from. From what he told me he's some high profile guy so I put forward places that aren't much crowded and would provide seclusion if he's so frigg'in scared of meeting a gay guy in public. I got no response. I left a few more messages on his Yahoo! and cell phone. Still no response!

By now I really didn't care if he got down on one knee and asked me out. Then one Friday he caught me Online. I'll admit that I was disrespectful to him but I really didn't care anymore. He told me that he does want to meet me but before that he wanted to see me on camera to make sure that I am the same guy from the pic. At that point all my suppressed rage kicked into life. I told him he is the one who showed me a half-ass picture of himself. He was the one who bought a new SIM to contact me. He is the one who should be showing me his picture. Not me! I really didn't want to put up with his crap anymore. If he wants to meet me, he meets me like just any other regular gay guy. I really don't care for his status. At the end of the day, all gay guys like to suck dick!

And just like that it was over!

And I couldn't care less!

A few days later I got a friend request from some guy from Islamabad. His profile was blank but I decided to give him the benefit of doubt and messaged him. He checked out my blog and was interested in getting to know me. So like any other guy, he messaged me. And like any other jerk, he wrote nonsense. Terming me as 'posh',  wanting to know if my walk is 'straight' and if I would like to have a drink with him sometime. He wanted me to give him a reason to trust him because he has a life and a social reputation to maintain. Oh yeah, and he smelled good from what he told about himself!

Upon reading the message, I told him I can be friends but I would make no extra effort in gaining his trust. He would be treated just like my other contacts. He has a life and that's wonderful. But so do I!

I do know how important it is to maintain our identities a secret and I would never ever out anybody If it doesn't settle well with him, he can take me off his friend list. I really would not mind!

He has come Online a few times since I messaged him and has even posted on his wall. Today I finally deleted him.

To all jerks, if you want to associate with gays for whatever purpose you fancy, grow a pair and learn to respect others - especially those who already have one!

Grow A Pair

While talking to Ted a few weeks back our topic suddenly shifted to the losers one often tends to run into the Online world. "I know exactly what you mean, dude! I absolutely hate their broken English messages asking for ASL, TBV and stuff like that! They really don't care enough to read the profile!"

"I'm not talking about them, Phunk!"

"Then?"

Turns out he was talking about the guys who are so closeted that they treat other guys like dirt but still would like to date them. They don't tell details or in some cases the right details even after having known you for quite some time. Some even don't care enough to give respect to other guys. Generally they describe themselves to be people in place of much power so they can't risk outing themselves to another gay man in fear of blackmail. They maybe around for a casual no-strings attached encounters. Some are here for more. Some just want the companionship of other gay guys so that they have someone to talk to. In either case, they really don't get anything out of it except blue balls, curses and a few exchange of messages.

Personally speaking, I had never come across such guys so I really didn't have anything to say about them. But then recently I managed to get in touch with two such people and I must say that a good deal of what Ted said was spot on. The first of the two was a married man who I initially came across a little while after my break up with Nathan. I never really got a chance to talk to him till quite recently. On the first talk, I remember he asked me if I was interested in kissing and cuddling. I denied his request as I do not prefer engaging in such activities with random strangers - especially married random strangers. However somehow friendship blossomed between the two of us. There were a few advances after that as well however everytime I would give him a cold shoulder or politely decline him. Another thing about him that didn't settle well with me was when he used to call me 'Darling', 'Sexy' or 'Cutie'. Now these terms could be entirely casual but he was married and it didn't settle right with me to be called the thing his wife should be complimented with. I'll admit his smooth talks made my heart flutter a few times but for once my brain did exactly what it was supposed to - keeping me grounded.

One of the most seductive element about him was his intelligence. Intelligence is a huge turn on for me. The talks I had with him, I had never had these talks with anybody before. We talked about religion, sexuality and the two in connection with each other. This brought another conflict to my mind about him that he doesn't entirely practice what he preaches. But it wasn't my place to say anything.

What really used to tick me off quite a few times was his possessiveness. He didn't like me meeting other guys. He cared about me but not in a way he should have. Somewhere along the lines we shared our pictures and contact details. The picture I sent was my usual one with my entire face visible but the one I got from him was of him wearing shades with his head bent down. I had very little idea how he looked like. The contact number I gave him was the one I usually give to guys I meet Online. The one I got was a brand new number which he didn't use often as I never got replies to my text when I sent them and many times during our conversation he would disappear completely. When I would hit dial, the recording would tell me that the desired number is switched off.

Once my college started, I really had no time to come on messengers where we would usually talk. Once in a while we would exchange messages through our cells but he would disappear just like that so eventually I stopped replying to his text completely. Around the same time, Ted started fixing me up with his best friend which eventually didn't happen. He reads my blog and after reading this post, he immediately contacted me telling me I should not meet any new guys. "You don't want me to meet any new guys! Fine! I won't meet them! But I want to meet you instead!", I told him. I wanted to sort it out and put him in his place once and for all.

He agreed. I told Ted to not fix me up yet as I have some things to sort out. I started to plan the meet and gave him several places to choose from. From what he told me he's some high profile guy so I put forward places that aren't much crowded and would provide seclusion if he's so frigg'in scared of meeting a gay guy in public. I got no response. I left a few more messages on his Yahoo! and cell phone. Still no response!

By now I really didn't care if he got down on one knee and asked me out. Then one Friday he caught me Online. I'll admit that I was disrespectful to him but I really didn't care anymore. He told me that he does want to meet me but before that he wanted to see me on camera to make sure that I am the same guy from the pic. At that point all my suppressed rage kicked into life. I told him he is the one who showed me a half-ass picture of himself. He was the one who bought a new SIM to contact me. He is the one who should be showing me his picture. Not me! I really didn't want to put up with his crap anymore. If he wants to meet me, he meets me like just any other regular gay guy. I really don't care for his status. At the end of the day, all gay guys like to suck dick!

And just like that it was over!

And I couldn't care less!

A few days later I got a friend request from some guy from Islamabad. His profile was blank but I decided to give him the benefit of doubt and messaged him. He checked out my blog and was interested in getting to know me. So like any other guy, he messaged me. And like any other jerk, he wrote nonsense. Terming me as 'posh',  wanting to know if my walk is 'straight' and if I would like to have a drink with him sometime. He wanted me to give him a reason to trust him because he has a life and a social reputation to maintain. Oh yeah, and he smelled good from what he told about himself!

Upon reading the message, I told him I can be friends but I would make no extra effort in gaining his trust. He would be treated just like my other contacts. He has a life and that's wonderful. But so do I!

I do know how important it is to maintain our identities a secret and I would never ever out anybody If it doesn't settle well with him, he can take me off his friend list. I really would not mind!

He has come Online a few times since I messaged him and has even posted on his wall. Today I finally deleted him.

To all jerks, if you want to associate with gays for whatever purpose you fancy, grow a pair and learn to respect others - especially those who already have one!

The Cynical Me

A friend I made Online recently is very interested in fixing me up and getting me involved with someone. He's not hinting towards himself but a friend of his who's in the market much like me and has pretty much the same interests as mine.

Quite honestly while I do like the idea of being in a relationship again. However my programming towards the whole relationship has significantly changed since the last time I was involved. Earlier I wanted a relationship - just like I want it right now. Earlier I didn't need a relationship - just like I don't need it right now. But I went for it because I really liked the guy. Right now I don't need to be in a relationship either and that's the only thing that is keeping me. My friend; Let's call him Ted - has known this guy since the past four or five years. They are pretty much like Ryan and me - closer than the legs of a nun.

Honestly I do appreciate Ted's efforts but it's gotten to the point that it has begun to irritate me slightly. Earlier on I was amused by his ramblings. They seemed so innocent coming from him. But now they are really pissing me off. He doesn't understand the difference between my want and my need. I have tried explaining as simply as I could that everything that holds value in my life right now and deserves my attention will not benefit by a relation in any way possible. I really won't be able to take time out for it and the other guy will eventually get fed up of me.

Ted explains that I am just denying every possibility of being happy because I don't have faith in love anymore. Sad thing is that a part of me believes he is actually right. I have become cynical about the whole concept of love.

I could actually give this a try but then what of my resolution. I need to be single - at least for a little while longer so that I can figure myself out further and what I want at the same time. Another thing which Ted doesn't understand. "Why would you want to be single when you can be in love?", he says.

True! Why be single when you can be in love?, but it's LOVE we're talking about - quite possible the most precious and rarest commodity on planet Earth. Ha, I am cynical!

Another reason I am not entirely thrilled with Ted's arguments is that Ted likes to fix people up. Or actually fix up nice people who actually deserve to love and be loved - that's what he tells me. I am not very hopeful about the whole thing working out but I am thinking of meeting this guy up just so Ted can stop badgering me about it.

One good thing that I do see coming out of it which I am not entirely proud about is that this guy - Ted says that he looks alot like Siddharth. This does classify him as good looking but I really don't want to get committed to a guy just for face value. Not my style! 

The Cynical Me

A friend I made Online recently is very interested in fixing me up and getting me involved with someone. He's not hinting towards himself but a friend of his who's in the market much like me and has pretty much the same interests as mine.

Quite honestly while I do like the idea of being in a relationship again. However my programming towards the whole relationship has significantly changed since the last time I was involved. Earlier I wanted a relationship - just like I want it right now. Earlier I didn't need a relationship - just like I don't need it right now. But I went for it because I really liked the guy. Right now I don't need to be in a relationship either and that's the only thing that is keeping me. My friend; Let's call him Ted - has known this guy since the past four or five years. They are pretty much like Ryan and me - closer than the legs of a nun.

Honestly I do appreciate Ted's efforts but it's gotten to the point that it has begun to irritate me slightly. Earlier on I was amused by his ramblings. They seemed so innocent coming from him. But now they are really pissing me off. He doesn't understand the difference between my want and my need. I have tried explaining as simply as I could that everything that holds value in my life right now and deserves my attention will not benefit by a relation in any way possible. I really won't be able to take time out for it and the other guy will eventually get fed up of me.

Ted explains that I am just denying every possibility of being happy because I don't have faith in love anymore. Sad thing is that a part of me believes he is actually right. I have become cynical about the whole concept of love.

I could actually give this a try but then what of my resolution. I need to be single - at least for a little while longer so that I can figure myself out further and what I want at the same time. Another thing which Ted doesn't understand. "Why would you want to be single when you can be in love?", he says.

True! Why be single when you can be in love?, but it's LOVE we're talking about - quite possible the most precious and rarest commodity on planet Earth. Ha, I am cynical!

Another reason I am not entirely thrilled with Ted's arguments is that Ted likes to fix people up. Or actually fix up nice people who actually deserve to love and be loved - that's what he tells me. I am not very hopeful about the whole thing working out but I am thinking of meeting this guy up just so Ted can stop badgering me about it.

One good thing that I do see coming out of it which I am not entirely proud about is that this guy - Ted says that he looks alot like Siddharth. This does classify him as good looking but I really don't want to get committed to a guy just for face value. Not my style! 

Dark Magic of Cyberspace

Sine the last few days I have been contemplating about my existence in the Online world. I can't ignore the awesome people I have met through Internet and I cherish the bond I have developed with them. From what started with a simple exchange of messages extended to chats on messengers and web-cam chats, from there I even indulged in a few phone conversations with them. Somewhere along the way we both revealed ourselves to each other and added each other on to our 'straight' profiles. Even now that I have left Orkut and I'm still in touch with them on my Facebook profile, the straight one. So have I ever gone wrong?

Yes! Hell yes!

I know earlier on I said I haven't gone wrong. But then the more I thought about it, I did realize I did make a few errors in believing some people. I have trusted a few people so blindly and been led on a wild goose chase that makes me want to smack myself across the head.

When you are Online, you are already existing behind a veil as you want to keep your identity a secret. Since nobody actually knows the person, this veil that they create can be fashioned in any possible matter. You can sell it anyway you want to. Say just about anything and somebody out there will believe you! Now I'm not talking about things like age, height, weight, eye color, body hair, marital status and stuff like that. I don't even care about all that except for age and marital status. I avoid people older than 40 or lower than 18, and also married ones. Older than 40 because I feel the age difference is too much and younger than 18 because very often these teenagers are completely ridiculous. Married people get ticked off my list because I feel if they are still furthering their gay agendas without their wives knowing it, I am assisting them in some form of cheating. I'm no Saint in any way. I have my share of vices but getting involved between two married people is not one of them.

But lying about things like your past is a complete no-no. Creating fake boyfriends or fake boyfriends with deadly diseases is a complete deal breakers. I once got to know this guy and developed a really solid bond with him, but later on when he confessed that the whole boyfriend was fake and now that he has one for real he feels he needs to come clean I didn't know what to do. He asked for forgiveness and everything which I had no problem, but then I felt like I didn't know the person. If he lied and created an entire fictional being out of thin air, what are the chances that he hasn't lied about other things as well?

I liked him. I genuinely liked him. Would I have not liked him if he did not have a rough experience in his past? No! I still would have opened up to his genuine friendship. I still would have talked to him. I still would have talked with him on the phone.

Another big alarm raiser is fake playing a sexual assault. Why? To gain sympathy? Of who? People you will most probably not meet no matter how well you get to know them! It's bull shit! Why do something like that? The person who when played this card, I felt bad for him. Child abuse is something I feel very strongly about. It's a horrible horrible thing. I would rather wish death upon a person than child abuse, but in reality I won't do either.

Later on when I got to know how all the incidents I knew about him were false and he led a perfectly happy childhood, I exploded internally. I wanted to shake him and ask him why do a crazy thing like that?. People who have actually gone through it are scarred for life and to just act like that to melt people's hearts and get their instant 'like' status is simply horrible. Never ever play the victim card, especially if you are not the victim. Whether it's the Online world or the real one, doesn't matter. Crap like that can bite you back in the ass really bad. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him after that incidence and he probably got the message as well.

Another reason why it's plain stupid to trust someone blindly because you may never know what they're up to. One thing I would never ever do is snap myself nude, even if I don't intend to share it. I'm not snapping myself in my birthday suit. But supposedly even if you have done it, think a million times before showing them to anybody else. They could forward that little email containing you suffering from Mileyitis (Mileyitis is the disease which causes people to self-snap themselves nude or in less than required amount of clothing in extremely embarrassing positions) to other people or worse pretend to be you and get another person's Mileyitis snaps.

My blunder is Sam. Honestly speaking, I never ever planned to talk about Sam on the blog because it makes me look like a complete jackass. But to every story there are two sides and if somebody can learn a lesson from my flukes than I'd be more than happy. However there is a nice little background to this tale and I can't put it down all here. But I will be posting about it after my exams.

The Online world is a good place to be, especially when around you there lies all this confusion and doubt. It's a great place if you are searching for some answer and you can't find the answers from those around you. There are nice people who may possibly genuinely help you find some peace of mind. But there are also those who prey upon the clueless and those who are more slippery than snakes, these are the ones you have to watch out for and avoid. Where a person only exists as a part of himself, he can create just about anything and have you sink in to it faster than a tropical quicksand sucks it's helpless victim.

I can't separate myself from the fact that it was this Online world which gave me an amazing friend like Christian and a wonderful lover like Nathan. But facts can't be ignored and they certainly can't be changed. If you exist in this place, take every step carefully. While it's a relaxing place to be in never ever let it detach you from your real life. I could have gotten detached had it not been Ryan who keeps me pulled back and keeps me on track. Another thing I have to thank him for!

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I have my exams from next week so I won't be posting regularly till mid December, perhaps even later. So I won't be dropping by your blogs as often as I do now but once there are over I promise everyone will be getting a large dose of Phunk - whether they like it or not! But right now, it's time to get my nerd-mode on!

Adios!

Dark Magic of Cyberspace

Sine the last few days I have been contemplating about my existence in the Online world. I can't ignore the awesome people I have met through Internet and I cherish the bond I have developed with them. From what started with a simple exchange of messages extended to chats on messengers and web-cam chats, from there I even indulged in a few phone conversations with them. Somewhere along the way we both revealed ourselves to each other and added each other on to our 'straight' profiles. Even now that I have left Orkut and I'm still in touch with them on my Facebook profile, the straight one. So have I ever gone wrong?

Yes! Hell yes!

I know earlier on I said I haven't gone wrong. But then the more I thought about it, I did realize I did make a few errors in believing some people. I have trusted a few people so blindly and been led on a wild goose chase that makes me want to smack myself across the head.

When you are Online, you are already existing behind a veil as you want to keep your identity a secret. Since nobody actually knows the person, this veil that they create can be fashioned in any possible matter. You can sell it anyway you want to. Say just about anything and somebody out there will believe you! Now I'm not talking about things like age, height, weight, eye color, body hair, marital status and stuff like that. I don't even care about all that except for age and marital status. I avoid people older than 40 or lower than 18, and also married ones. Older than 40 because I feel the age difference is too much and younger than 18 because very often these teenagers are completely ridiculous. Married people get ticked off my list because I feel if they are still furthering their gay agendas without their wives knowing it, I am assisting them in some form of cheating. I'm no Saint in any way. I have my share of vices but getting involved between two married people is not one of them.

But lying about things like your past is a complete no-no. Creating fake boyfriends or fake boyfriends with deadly diseases is a complete deal breakers. I once got to know this guy and developed a really solid bond with him, but later on when he confessed that the whole boyfriend was fake and now that he has one for real he feels he needs to come clean I didn't know what to do. He asked for forgiveness and everything which I had no problem, but then I felt like I didn't know the person. If he lied and created an entire fictional being out of thin air, what are the chances that he hasn't lied about other things as well?

I liked him. I genuinely liked him. Would I have not liked him if he did not have a rough experience in his past? No! I still would have opened up to his genuine friendship. I still would have talked to him. I still would have talked with him on the phone.

Another big alarm raiser is fake playing a sexual assault. Why? To gain sympathy? Of who? People you will most probably not meet no matter how well you get to know them! It's bull shit! Why do something like that? The person who when played this card, I felt bad for him. Child abuse is something I feel very strongly about. It's a horrible horrible thing. I would rather wish death upon a person than child abuse, but in reality I won't do either.

Later on when I got to know how all the incidents I knew about him were false and he led a perfectly happy childhood, I exploded internally. I wanted to shake him and ask him why do a crazy thing like that?. People who have actually gone through it are scarred for life and to just act like that to melt people's hearts and get their instant 'like' status is simply horrible. Never ever play the victim card, especially if you are not the victim. Whether it's the Online world or the real one, doesn't matter. Crap like that can bite you back in the ass really bad. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him after that incidence and he probably got the message as well.

Another reason why it's plain stupid to trust someone blindly because you may never know what they're up to. One thing I would never ever do is snap myself nude, even if I don't intend to share it. I'm not snapping myself in my birthday suit. But supposedly even if you have done it, think a million times before showing them to anybody else. They could forward that little email containing you suffering from Mileyitis (Mileyitis is the disease which causes people to self-snap themselves nude or in less than required amount of clothing in extremely embarrassing positions) to other people or worse pretend to be you and get another person's Mileyitis snaps.

My blunder is Sam. Honestly speaking, I never ever planned to talk about Sam on the blog because it makes me look like a complete jackass. But to every story there are two sides and if somebody can learn a lesson from my flukes than I'd be more than happy. However there is a nice little background to this tale and I can't put it down all here. But I will be posting about it after my exams.

The Online world is a good place to be, especially when around you there lies all this confusion and doubt. It's a great place if you are searching for some answer and you can't find the answers from those around you. There are nice people who may possibly genuinely help you find some peace of mind. But there are also those who prey upon the clueless and those who are more slippery than snakes, these are the ones you have to watch out for and avoid. Where a person only exists as a part of himself, he can create just about anything and have you sink in to it faster than a tropical quicksand sucks it's helpless victim.

I can't separate myself from the fact that it was this Online world which gave me an amazing friend like Christian and a wonderful lover like Nathan. But facts can't be ignored and they certainly can't be changed. If you exist in this place, take every step carefully. While it's a relaxing place to be in never ever let it detach you from your real life. I could have gotten detached had it not been Ryan who keeps me pulled back and keeps me on track. Another thing I have to thank him for!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have my exams from next week so I won't be posting regularly till mid December, perhaps even later. So I won't be dropping by your blogs as often as I do now but once there are over I promise everyone will be getting a large dose of Phunk - whether they like it or not! But right now, it's time to get my nerd-mode on!

Adios!

Magic of Cyberspace

I was over at Ryan's place yesterday for a group study. It was the two of us with a couple of other friends of mine. We had collected over at Ryan's place because all of his family was away so there would be no disturbances and interruptions. I made sure that some girls were coming before heading over myself. If it's just boys, absolutely no studying gets accomplished and the entire time goes by with us fooling around. Girls have this magical ability to keep the guys in line.

After everyone left, Ryan invited me to his room. He wanted to show me something. He switched on the monitor screen, "Did you stumble on some new type of porn?", I asked. Sometime ago Ryan shared a clip with me of some white dude screwing a pig. It wasn't porn, just a video shot with a cheap video camera. For some ridiculous reason, Ryan found it incredibly funny. I found it plain senseless. Was that guy so frigg'in desperate?, I wondered.

"You have got to check these guys out!", Ryan told me excitedly. He opened a gay networking site and logged into his account.

"You know I hate these places, right?", I asked Ryan as I saw what he was upto.

"Whatever! You still gotta see these dudes! I can't believe Pakistan how so many good looking guys!", Ryan said without taking his eyes off the screen. "And here, I thought I was the only adonis to grace our wattan ki mitti! (Translation; Nation's soil!)"

I laughed at his arrogance and wit, only Ryan can meld the two. I have to admit some of those guys were extremely good looking, even though alot of them had not sported on their face pics on their profiles. But with a bod like that, he could be a 'Brown Bag Special' for all I care.

"Why the sudden interest? As far as I know, you have had your account for quite some time. You must have already hooked up with several of them!" I told him.

"Okay, I'm hurt now!" he objected. "I do not hook up as much as you expect me to. Also you are extremely judgmental about hooking up, so for just a small time I want you to open up that little noggin of yours!"

As he scrolled through the various profiles, I realized that not all of the guys present were sex-starved beasts. Some of them actually seemed decent. There were even a few looking for relationship or friends. I haven't really gone to these sites before because of my firm opinion that these places are the collecting point for everything that I find unappealing about gays. "So what is it that you wanted to show me?", I asked impatiently.

"A few days back I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across your profile." he told me.

"So what? You do know I have a profile and I used to be on your list!" I told him back.

"I mean your other profile!", he told again laying emphasis on the word 'other'. I realized what he meant by that. "Why? Why create another one?" he asked me. "Why do you keep on creating gay profiles on these social networking sites?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. "To interact with other gay guys obviously!", I told him blankly.

"Then why not do it where it's actually meant to be done?", he asked me. "These are gay social networking sites!", he told me. "These are meant for gay guys to interact, whether they want to hook-up or make friends or even get involved!"

I was still silent. I did not know how to respond to his statement. He wasn't wrong after all.

"I'm not telling you to shut down your Facebook profile. But whatever you do their, you can do that here and have a greater shot at getting something in return!", Ryan explained.

"I don't expect anything in return!"

"I know you are looking for friends. So why not make friends that you can actually meet up with?", he asked. "I understand you have all these great friends from India, UK, Australia and where not! But won't it be better to actually have friends you could go out with and sit down with!", he explained.

"I have!", I told him. "I have you! You're gay! You're my friend!" I joked.

"Did you just flirt with me?", he asked.

"If the shoe fits!"

"You did!" Ryan laughed. "Still it doesn't change the fact that you are doing it all wrong! Also I'm bi-sexual"

Ignoring the last face, I asked him"If I'm doing it all wrong, how come I haven't messed up yet?"

"Look! There is a way one should do thing and you are doing it wrong. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do. You're 22. You can do that yourself now!"

"You are sounding alot like my mom now, you know?", I told him. "It's so unappealing!" I joked.

"Whatever!" Ryan replied. "You have no idea what you're missing!". He shut off the monitor once again and we talked abit about random stuff. I left a little while later, had to reach home before dark. Later that night when I was doing my late night e-mail checking ritual, I visited the same night. I wondered if it would be worth it making an account there. I'm not looking for a relationship. I want friends. Facebook and Orkut have been very good at doing that job uptill now. I'm content with what I have.

Quoting the words of a recent extremely bright 17 year old I started communicating with recently, I can't help but agree.

But we are free to bare our souls here...as people who shall most probably never meet...it is ironic how you may not get to see another face to face all their life but still get to know them well...this is the magic of cyberspace!

Magic of Cyberspace

I was over at Ryan's place yesterday for a group study. It was the two of us with a couple of other friends of mine. We had collected over at Ryan's place because all of his family was away so there would be no disturbances and interruptions. I made sure that some girls were coming before heading over myself. If it's just boys, absolutely no studying gets accomplished and the entire time goes by with us fooling around. Girls have this magical ability to keep the guys in line.

After everyone left, Ryan invited me to his room. He wanted to show me something. He switched on the monitor screen, "Did you stumble on some new type of porn?", I asked. Sometime ago Ryan shared a clip with me of some white dude screwing a pig. It wasn't porn, just a video shot with a cheap video camera. For some ridiculous reason, Ryan found it incredibly funny. I found it plain senseless. Was that guy so frigg'in desperate?, I wondered.

"You have got to check these guys out!", Ryan told me excitedly. He opened a gay networking site and logged into his account.

"You know I hate these places, right?", I asked Ryan as I saw what he was upto.

"Whatever! You still gotta see these dudes! I can't believe Pakistan how so many good looking guys!", Ryan said without taking his eyes off the screen. "And here, I thought I was the only adonis to grace our wattan ki mitti! (Translation; Nation's soil!)"

I laughed at his arrogance and wit, only Ryan can meld the two. I have to admit some of those guys were extremely good looking, even though alot of them had not sported on their face pics on their profiles. But with a bod like that, he could be a 'Brown Bag Special' for all I care.

"Why the sudden interest? As far as I know, you have had your account for quite some time. You must have already hooked up with several of them!" I told him.

"Okay, I'm hurt now!" he objected. "I do not hook up as much as you expect me to. Also you are extremely judgmental about hooking up, so for just a small time I want you to open up that little noggin of yours!"

As he scrolled through the various profiles, I realized that not all of the guys present were sex-starved beasts. Some of them actually seemed decent. There were even a few looking for relationship or friends. I haven't really gone to these sites before because of my firm opinion that these places are the collecting point for everything that I find unappealing about gays. "So what is it that you wanted to show me?", I asked impatiently.

"A few days back I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across your profile." he told me.

"So what? You do know I have a profile and I used to be on your list!" I told him back.

"I mean your other profile!", he told again laying emphasis on the word 'other'. I realized what he meant by that. "Why? Why create another one?" he asked me. "Why do you keep on creating gay profiles on these social networking sites?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. "To interact with other gay guys obviously!", I told him blankly.

"Then why not do it where it's actually meant to be done?", he asked me. "These are gay social networking sites!", he told me. "These are meant for gay guys to interact, whether they want to hook-up or make friends or even get involved!"

I was still silent. I did not know how to respond to his statement. He wasn't wrong after all.

"I'm not telling you to shut down your Facebook profile. But whatever you do their, you can do that here and have a greater shot at getting something in return!", Ryan explained.

"I don't expect anything in return!"

"I know you are looking for friends. So why not make friends that you can actually meet up with?", he asked. "I understand you have all these great friends from India, UK, Australia and where not! But won't it be better to actually have friends you could go out with and sit down with!", he explained.

"I have!", I told him. "I have you! You're gay! You're my friend!" I joked.

"Did you just flirt with me?", he asked.

"If the shoe fits!"

"You did!" Ryan laughed. "Still it doesn't change the fact that you are doing it all wrong! Also I'm bi-sexual"

Ignoring the last face, I asked him"If I'm doing it all wrong, how come I haven't messed up yet?"

"Look! There is a way one should do thing and you are doing it wrong. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do. You're 22. You can do that yourself now!"

"You are sounding alot like my mom now, you know?", I told him. "It's so unappealing!" I joked.

"Whatever!" Ryan replied. "You have no idea what you're missing!". He shut off the monitor once again and we talked abit about random stuff. I left a little while later, had to reach home before dark. Later that night when I was doing my late night e-mail checking ritual, I visited the same night. I wondered if it would be worth it making an account there. I'm not looking for a relationship. I want friends. Facebook and Orkut have been very good at doing that job uptill now. I'm content with what I have.

Quoting the words of a recent extremely bright 17 year old I started communicating with recently, I can't help but agree.

But we are free to bare our souls here...as people who shall most probably never meet...it is ironic how you may not get to see another face to face all their life but still get to know them well...this is the magic of cyberspace!

Youarenotgettingany@yahoo.com

Last week I was being repeatedly messaged by a 51 year old guy on my Facebook profile. He had a gay profile on Facebook and was browsing the various group for a booty call. He had posted a few pictures of himself trying to seem seductive but in reality, he was taking the term Hot Mess to a whole new level. Besides the fact that he was browsing Online for sex, there were two things fundamentally wrong with his profile.

Firstly he was married, it was clearly displayed on his profile. Secondly he was looking for guys younger than 25, especially 'young' and 'yummy' teenagers. Yes!, those were his exact words, although the word 'young' was mis-spelled. One look at his profile and he was immediately cast into the deepest corners of my rejected pile.

He messaged me a few times asking stuff like what's my age, where do I live, what position do I prefer, what do I prefer more; long-term relations or one night stands and then some more. Was it annoying?

Hell Yes!

It was incredibly annoying. I kept on responding to him as nicely as I could manage, only answering the questions that I felt were appropriate. I told him clearly that I am only interested in meeting like minded guys and nothing else. When he didn't object to that, I proceeded to ask him a couple of questions. I wasn't really interested but was just trying to make a conversation. It turned out that he had his own business which was doing quite well, or so he told me. He had three children of which the eldest was about 5 younger than me. My mind clicked immediately and I realized that he's searching for guys that are roughly the age of his eldest child. I sort of lost it after that and wanted to lash out really bad at him. This was so bloody disgusting!

I guess he got busy after that or something, he did not message me again until much later in the night. Still not having picked up on my signs of dislike, he asked for my email address. Not wanting another freak on my hands, I planned to reject his offer. But then in another brilliant flash, I decided to play a little joke on him. I told him my email address is youarenotgettingany@yahoo.com.

Hoping to have finally gotten rid of him, I settled into watching Gossip Girl with a glass of milk. Five minutes I got a message from him saying so very innocently, "Dear, that address is not working".

I laughed so hard that I sprayed a good part of the keyboard and the monitor with milk. And I didn't stop laughing. Was he playing dumb?, I wondered. But I didn't care to find out if that was really the case. Also I had a milk droplet coated monitor and keyboard to clean.

Some people just don't get it! Heavens bless them! Whoever said that there is a sucker born every minute,  certainly knew what he or she was talking about. I know it was incredibly mean of me to pull that crazy stunt but some people just don't get it when I tell them to stay away. You literally need to beat them away with a stick!

I didn't respond to him after that but I am kind of curious as to if he is going to be messaging me again. Wonder what email address can I give him next time?.

Suggestions are welcome!

Youarenotgettingany@yahoo.com

Last week I was being repeatedly messaged by a 51 year old guy on my Facebook profile. He had a gay profile on Facebook and was browsing the various group for a booty call. He had posted a few pictures of himself trying to seem seductive but in reality, he was taking the term Hot Mess to a whole new level. Besides the fact that he was browsing Online for sex, there were two things fundamentally wrong with his profile.

Firstly he was married, it was clearly displayed on his profile. Secondly he was looking for guys younger than 25, especially 'young' and 'yummy' teenagers. Yes!, those were his exact words, although the word 'young' was mis-spelled. One look at his profile and he was immediately cast into the deepest corners of my rejected pile.

He messaged me a few times asking stuff like what's my age, where do I live, what position do I prefer, what do I prefer more; long-term relations or one night stands and then some more. Was it annoying?

Hell Yes!

It was incredibly annoying. I kept on responding to him as nicely as I could manage, only answering the questions that I felt were appropriate. I told him clearly that I am only interested in meeting like minded guys and nothing else. When he didn't object to that, I proceeded to ask him a couple of questions. I wasn't really interested but was just trying to make a conversation. It turned out that he had his own business which was doing quite well, or so he told me. He had three children of which the eldest was about 5 younger than me. My mind clicked immediately and I realized that he's searching for guys that are roughly the age of his eldest child. I sort of lost it after that and wanted to lash out really bad at him. This was so bloody disgusting!

I guess he got busy after that or something, he did not message me again until much later in the night. Still not having picked up on my signs of dislike, he asked for my email address. Not wanting another freak on my hands, I planned to reject his offer. But then in another brilliant flash, I decided to play a little joke on him. I told him my email address is youarenotgettingany@yahoo.com.

Hoping to have finally gotten rid of him, I settled into watching Gossip Girl with a glass of milk. Five minutes I got a message from him saying so very innocently, "Dear, that address is not working".

I laughed so hard that I sprayed a good part of the keyboard and the monitor with milk. And I didn't stop laughing. Was he playing dumb?, I wondered. But I didn't care to find out if that was really the case. Also I had a milk droplet coated monitor and keyboard to clean.

Some people just don't get it! Heavens bless them! Whoever said that there is a sucker born every minute,  certainly knew what he or she was talking about. I know it was incredibly mean of me to pull that crazy stunt but some people just don't get it when I tell them to stay away. You literally need to beat them away with a stick!

I didn't respond to him after that but I am kind of curious as to if he is going to be messaging me again. Wonder what email address can I give him next time?.

Suggestions are welcome!

A Little Understanding Please

I was chatting yesterday to this black dude from Los Angeles on my Facebook. He had read a few of my comments from various notes around the place and actually liked them quite alot. He read my blog and liked a couple of entries, especially the ones on 'Awareness'.

We were exchanging messages as he didn't have a gay profile and was still very much closeted. He was talking to me from his straight profile. He intended to stay that way because his father is an extremely homophobic person and he was pretty darn sure that if he ever came out, he is going to be disowned. He was a little older than me, 25 years old. I kind of felt sorry for him but it wasn't my place to say anything.

It was around the ninth message exchange, when he asked me where I am from. I told him that I am from Pakistan, as stated on the blog and my Facebook profile. He asked me if I was pulling his leg or something. I laughed at his disbelief. When I told him the same thing again, he was really surprised. He had presumed that I was from somewhere in the States, having grown up in a Pakistani Muslim household. Not true! I'm completely Desi, or as close to being Desi is possible for me. I have stayed in Pakistan and been bought up here entirely. Yes, my command over English language is good - but it is by no means 'great', there are much better writers out there. I can only thank my parents, teachers and various authors to develop my interest in the English Language.

After learning that little fact about me, there was silence from him for quite some time. It came as a little surprising to me but I tried to shake it off thinking that he probably went offline or something. A few minutes later I got another message from him asking if I had a bomb on myself.

Lord, I can't begin tell you how much that comment pissed me off. Why do people just simply assume as terrorists? The entire time I had spent exchanging messages with him and this is what he thinks of me. Some crazy terrorist! I really wanted to tell him off but then you don't answer ignorance with anger. I tried explaining to him that not all Pakistani or even not all Muslims are like that. Islam is a very peaceful religion and it definitely doesn't promote terrorism. People who call themselves terrorist do not belong to any religion because NO religion propagates killing of the innocent. Being a terrorist is not a profession. There have been so many brilliant people amongst us. Doctors, engineers, craftsmen, musicians, artists, lawyers and what not. Name any profession and we had at least one shining star. There could be more; Alot more, if given the proper resources. Pakistan has ALOT of talent which just needs polishing, but that is a completely different topic altogether. So I explained my point of view to him. He told me that he is really scared of bomb and would hate to die in one - God Forbid.

I told him not to worry and just pray to God for the safety of his loved ones and himself - because that is all he could do. Nobody knows when they are going to die, so the best thing to do is to just pray for a long happy life. He sent me a message with a single smiley in response. A few hours later, he had deleted his profile. I wish I had taken his email address or something. But I don't think it would be off any use. Some people just refuse to see what's right in front of them.

The incident from yesterday brought back an unpleasant but slightly funny memory from the summer of 2009, when I was in America. I used to go out for walks in the evening. Lots of nice empty roads in the suburbs to walk on without worrying about dogs coming after you. Plus the weather was so amazing that I really didn't want to be cooped up in the house. As I would go around walking, there would be this one kid. He was probably in his late teens. He used to work as a gardener in that neighborhood. Sometimes when I would pass, he would smile at me and I would return it. Never ignore a smile unless it's coming from a creepy stranger who is giving you a weird look. We never really stopped to talk. One day he was sitting on the sidewalk taking a break and I happened to be just passing by. "Hey!", he shouted seeing me.

"Hey back at you!", I replied. Is that how you reply?, I thought. "Man", I added at the last moment.

"You walk around here alot! Didn't you see around before the summer! Did you move here recently?", he asked me.

"Oh, no! I'm just visiting my aunt!" I told him.

"That's cool! I can't quite place you're accent! Where are you from?" he asked.

"That's probably because I'm from Pakistan!", I told him with a smile. It's nice to give a smile every once now and then in a casual non-serious conversation. Mentioning the P-word was all that needed to make him shit in his bermudas. He literally went wide-eyed.

"Nice!", he replied. "Talk to you later. Gotta work!"

I guessed what set him off. It wasn't like I was standing there with a jacket made of dynamite, but from the expression on his face one could guess I had an entire houseful of them. He could have taken me down easily. He was definitely more muscled than me and a few inches taller. The rest of the summer when I would walk by, no response from him. Sometimes if I smiled, I would get one in return. I silently hoped that I could go back again this summer and scare him again. But I spend a much better summer with Nathan right here. Also the slight crush I had developed on him ended immediately. Phoof!

I seriously don't understand why are Muslims presumed as such a taboo. Give yourself the chance to get to know us better, we actually quite an educated and civilized bunch. It's wrong to presume things. Give us a chance and you guys will seriously be making really awesome friends. Besides the obvious point that your assumptions are wrong, they are also quite hurtful to us. We love our religion, just like you guys love yours. So what is in us that makes you people so scared of us?

A Little Understanding Please

I was chatting yesterday to this black dude from Los Angeles on my Facebook. He had read a few of my comments from various notes around the place and actually liked them quite alot. He read my blog and liked a couple of entries, especially the ones on 'Awareness'.

We were exchanging messages as he didn't have a gay profile and was still very much closeted. He was talking to me from his straight profile. He intended to stay that way because his father is an extremely homophobic person and he was pretty darn sure that if he ever came out, he is going to be disowned. He was a little older than me, 25 years old. I kind of felt sorry for him but it wasn't my place to say anything.

It was around the ninth message exchange, when he asked me where I am from. I told him that I am from Pakistan, as stated on the blog and my Facebook profile. He asked me if I was pulling his leg or something. I laughed at his disbelief. When I told him the same thing again, he was really surprised. He had presumed that I was from somewhere in the States, having grown up in a Pakistani Muslim household. Not true! I'm completely Desi, or as close to being Desi is possible for me. I have stayed in Pakistan and been bought up here entirely. Yes, my command over English language is good - but it is by no means 'great', there are much better writers out there. I can only thank my parents, teachers and various authors to develop my interest in the English Language.

After learning that little fact about me, there was silence from him for quite some time. It came as a little surprising to me but I tried to shake it off thinking that he probably went offline or something. A few minutes later I got another message from him asking if I had a bomb on myself.

Lord, I can't begin tell you how much that comment pissed me off. Why do people just simply assume as terrorists? The entire time I had spent exchanging messages with him and this is what he thinks of me. Some crazy terrorist! I really wanted to tell him off but then you don't answer ignorance with anger. I tried explaining to him that not all Pakistani or even not all Muslims are like that. Islam is a very peaceful religion and it definitely doesn't promote terrorism. People who call themselves terrorist do not belong to any religion because NO religion propagates killing of the innocent. Being a terrorist is not a profession. There have been so many brilliant people amongst us. Doctors, engineers, craftsmen, musicians, artists, lawyers and what not. Name any profession and we had at least one shining star. There could be more; Alot more, if given the proper resources. Pakistan has ALOT of talent which just needs polishing, but that is a completely different topic altogether. So I explained my point of view to him. He told me that he is really scared of bomb and would hate to die in one - God Forbid.

I told him not to worry and just pray to God for the safety of his loved ones and himself - because that is all he could do. Nobody knows when they are going to die, so the best thing to do is to just pray for a long happy life. He sent me a message with a single smiley in response. A few hours later, he had deleted his profile. I wish I had taken his email address or something. But I don't think it would be off any use. Some people just refuse to see what's right in front of them.

The incident from yesterday brought back an unpleasant but slightly funny memory from the summer of 2009, when I was in America. I used to go out for walks in the evening. Lots of nice empty roads in the suburbs to walk on without worrying about dogs coming after you. Plus the weather was so amazing that I really didn't want to be cooped up in the house. As I would go around walking, there would be this one kid. He was probably in his late teens. He used to work as a gardener in that neighborhood. Sometimes when I would pass, he would smile at me and I would return it. Never ignore a smile unless it's coming from a creepy stranger who is giving you a weird look. We never really stopped to talk. One day he was sitting on the sidewalk taking a break and I happened to be just passing by. "Hey!", he shouted seeing me.

"Hey back at you!", I replied. Is that how you reply?, I thought. "Man", I added at the last moment.

"You walk around here alot! Didn't you see around before the summer! Did you move here recently?", he asked me.

"Oh, no! I'm just visiting my aunt!" I told him.

"That's cool! I can't quite place you're accent! Where are you from?" he asked.

"That's probably because I'm from Pakistan!", I told him with a smile. It's nice to give a smile every once now and then in a casual non-serious conversation. Mentioning the P-word was all that needed to make him shit in his bermudas. He literally went wide-eyed.

"Nice!", he replied. "Talk to you later. Gotta work!"

I guessed what set him off. It wasn't like I was standing there with a jacket made of dynamite, but from the expression on his face one could guess I had an entire houseful of them. He could have taken me down easily. He was definitely more muscled than me and a few inches taller. The rest of the summer when I would walk by, no response from him. Sometimes if I smiled, I would get one in return. I silently hoped that I could go back again this summer and scare him again. But I spend a much better summer with Nathan right here. Also the slight crush I had developed on him ended immediately. Phoof!

I seriously don't understand why are Muslims presumed as such a taboo. Give yourself the chance to get to know us better, we actually quite an educated and civilized bunch. It's wrong to presume things. Give us a chance and you guys will seriously be making really awesome friends. Besides the obvious point that your assumptions are wrong, they are also quite hurtful to us. We love our religion, just like you guys love yours. So what is in us that makes you people so scared of us?

Amateurs

I made a gay profile on Facebook recently after the advice from a friend that the gay crowd over there has much more class and since Facebook is more popular than Orkut, there is a wider selection of men who I would be able to eye to eye with. After some thinking, I went ahead and made an account.

It'll be a month since it's creation in a few days and the results have been good so far. It had the potential to be great if it had not been for a few lead heads who don't know how to read or make a social acquaintance on the web for that matter. I've stated very clearly on my profile that I'm in for friendship and nothing else, so is it that people don't bother to read?.

It's painful to mention each and every time to every single person that I just had a break up and that I'm not looking for a relation. Now some I don't mind, because the talks didn't start of from this point. We've exchanged a few words earlier so I've developed some level of coinciding intellect. But to straight forward start the conversation with "I'm looking for someone like you" is definitely not a good start for me.

Once you've explained the bitter fact of heart break, you proceed to "Don't worry, dear! I won't break your heart! May I have your number?". Uh hello! You're second message and you are asking me for my number. What you know about me won't even fill a paper chit. I politely decline, but still some people just don't get it. They give me their phone number and tell me to give them a call. So maybe that isn't the worst of moves, you give the other person time to do it on his own. But when I've clearly stated that nothing intimate or nothing involving feelings interests me, don't they realize they're barking up the wrong tree?.

I can't even classify them as jerks because to me they all seem to be delusional in the matters of the heart. Getting into a relationship is easy, but being in one and taking it through is a man's job. And they're just boys. Boys, boys, boys and more boys!

Also all that won't be that bad, if the English wasn't broken. Now I maybe pegged as a snob for citing this, but if you can't speak English properly then simply don't! Nobody is putting a gun on you're temple and forcing you to type in English. The only thing worst than reading broken English is having to hear broken English which I'm piled on enough by the wanna-be burger people in my college. All their 'Yo! Yo!' are enough to drive me yo-yo. Thank God they haven't been enlightened to wear bright shirts which are two sizes large than their usual.

My initial run in had been extremely bad as almost everyone I spoke to had an agenda on their mind which I did not want to become a part of. Not only because it was the Holy month of Ramadan but it's not me. As my favorite Idol, Ms. Clarkson put it - I Do Not Hook Up!

This possibly may not been the worst if all the guys who did approach me on this basis had not been from my city. I always believed my city was completely devoid of gay men who could hold a conversation that would keep me riveted. Kudos to Facebook for proving me right!

I'm thankful for having made a few decent friends from all over the world, it's such a treat to know these people. They definitely tip over all those nasties that have been be making their way to me. But even with them, I'm not considering to take it anywhere. I'm just not feeling it, you know!

Probably I never will, because that's how I am right now. It's been hard getting where I got with Nathan and I do not want to invest energy into it if it's going to fall so easily. I don't think I have the energy or time to go through it all again. Maybe once I'm done with my medicine. But not now!

Right now, I'm going to find happiness in being single. I'm sure there has to be something in it, because there are so many people who prefer to be single by choice. Ryan doesn't believe that I'll last this way because he firmly believes that I enjoy being in love.

Heck yes, I do!

Who doesn't like having that special someone to be with, but I know myself well enough that I won't put myself down for any Tom, Dick or Harry. I had Nathan and maybe that's all I'll ever have. These amateurs make me sick!