Not Like The Movies

In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.

Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.

My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.

"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.

Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.

Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.

He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.

Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.

I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.

Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;

I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!

Not Like The Movies

In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.

Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.

My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.

"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.

Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.

Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.

He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.

Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.

I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.

Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;

I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!

Gone And Back

Yesterday it was the first day of Eid at our side. I had two of my cousins over from States where they live with their families and one of them just had a baby girl a few days back. The entire day was pretty much spent catering to guests that came. Mostly I knew them by face, but had absolutely no idea who they are. I kept asking my little sister who's got the most amazing memory of faces and names.

Much later in the day; that is around evening, the guests I knew in and out started showing up including the cousin who tried to get fresh with me once and got a kick in the balls. We avoid each other as much as possible, but I had to hug him yesterday. Ugh! Instead of the usual three hugs we do, I just did one. He didn't seem to mind either. Smart guy! 

As the guests were leaving at night, my aunt requested us to come over and stay at her place so that we can have breakfast with them the next day. My siblings were all up for that idea but I wasn't much in the mood to face a room full of crowded people, especially when there was no one of my age. Also I knew that this breakfast deal would stretch to lunch and I had plans with my friends tomorrow to meet for the same. I requested to stay back home and after some convincing I was successful.

As everyone left, I wondered what I would do the rest of the night. I decided to call Ryan and invite him over. We could spend the night together and then leave together for lunch tomorrow with the rest of our friends. "Dude, I can't come right now. If you had told me about this earlier, I would have managed it. But right now, I can't!", he excused.

He was right. Had I told him earlier, he definitely would have managed. It's hard to whip up something spontaneous on Eid, especially since everyone is busy with their families. I told him it's not a problem and wished him well. Normally I wouldn't be so lonely since around this time I would be busy with Nathan so I'd hop Online and eat his brains out. But can't do that anymore!

Crossing Ryan off the list, I thought of the other person I'd kill to have over right now. Christian! 

Sadly Christian is in India and I'm in Pakistan, so I couldn't meet him either. I have mentioned it in some posts before and I think I'll be repeating in many posts to come; I'd love to meet Christian and someday I hope I get to do that. Really do! But that's sort of out of context from the theme of this post.

If somebody ever asks me what Christian makes me think of, I'll most probably reply Sex and the City in the blink of an eye.

That's right! Christian is simply addicted to this show and is even more crazy about the movie and it's sequel. It's something I totally see us watching when we meet and that too just for the kicks. I know he'll have a thousand comments on every scene and I'd sit there to hear them out. We'd assign each other characters, I always find him to be a cross between Carrie and Samantha, while he feels I'm a mix of Charlotte and Miranda. We are complete ditz in each other's companies.

So I curled up with a Pizza Hut Chicken Supreme Pie and Coca Cola, along with the two Sex and the City movies. Did I have fun?

You betcha, fella!

Four hours of chomping down heavily salted cheese, pepperoni and olives guzzling can make anyone feel better. Also they all were talking about sex, relationship and love which has become a recent favorite of mine. It wasn't some soul searching move, I just felt like getting some 'Christian' time and since the movie primarily revolved around four best friends, I somehow felt closer to not only Christian but also Ryan.

Now I won't exactly classify as being gay unless I say that I totally felt like the characters in the movie, would I?. When you're gay, you totally find yourselves similar to the characters in this particular movie. Or at least so I hold an opinion.

I don't think I am wrong either to think that way. I wore a designer kurta for Eid. I sipped some mysterious liquid that came from a thermos, non-alcoholic ofcourse. I talked to some people about whom I had absolutely no idea. I ran into someone whom I run into just once every six months but still felt the same hatred I always do. In short, I got Samantha-fied, Charlotte-ish, Miranda-mized and last but not the least even Carrie-d away. At different parts of the movie, they all hit home at some point. When the movie ended I was very much in love with the idea of being in love. But that was just the first movie!

Without wasting a moment, I popped in the sequel. This was my first time watching the entire movie in on sitting, I had watched it up to the point they arrive in Abu Dhabi earlier. Most of it was completely new to me and I could not relate to most of it. Nothing hit home, even though the movie was mildly amusing. While the movie was somewhat of a disappointment, I reached another conclusion about my life by the time I got done.

My movie's sequel has yet to be shot. I just finished wrapping up my first one and right now I'm assessing my profits and losses. So that when the time for the sequel comes I how to proceed in order to make it a blockbuster. I really didn't know when sleep came over me. I went to sleep on the couch in front of the TV thinking about the same.

I woke up in the morning around 10AM, still alone in the house. After brushing my teeth, I checked my cell phone. There were a few missed calls and a single message. All the missed calls were from mom but the message was from the Yahoo! Messenger service on my cell. I had been signed out of my account that I had specifically created to chat with Nathan through my cell. It happens automatically if you don't send or receive any messages for 48 hours. Nathan was the only contact in that account because he was the sole reason I had created it.  That's one less thing I have to do now so maybe I won't feel bad. Wrong! I felt absolutely horrible once again and I just sat in the lounge for about thirty minutes.

That's what I have been going through for the past few days, I have gone sort of bipolar. There are moments when I'm indifferent and unattached to whatever that happened and then I'm a complete mess at other moments. It's infinitely disturbing and I really hope whatever is going on in me resolves soon. I seriously don't want to keep having these diva moments. I'm trying to keep my head straight and there are moments when I do manage that, it is especially so when I am intensely busy on the treadmill or the weight sets at home. But then my mom commented yesterday to take it easy on the machines, it seemed to her that I was mad at them. I apologized and stepped off.

I have to go and get ready now. Ryan is picking me up in an hour for our group lunch. It would be nice to be surrounded by guys again after a whole night alone with the girls.

Gone And Back

Yesterday it was the first day of Eid at our side. I had two of my cousins over from States where they live with their families and one of them just had a baby girl a few days back. The entire day was pretty much spent catering to guests that came. Mostly I knew them by face, but had absolutely no idea who they are. I kept asking my little sister who's got the most amazing memory of faces and names.

Much later in the day; that is around evening, the guests I knew in and out started showing up including the cousin who tried to get fresh with me once and got a kick in the balls. We avoid each other as much as possible, but I had to hug him yesterday. Ugh! Instead of the usual three hugs we do, I just did one. He didn't seem to mind either. Smart guy! 

As the guests were leaving at night, my aunt requested us to come over and stay at her place so that we can have breakfast with them the next day. My siblings were all up for that idea but I wasn't much in the mood to face a room full of crowded people, especially when there was no one of my age. Also I knew that this breakfast deal would stretch to lunch and I had plans with my friends tomorrow to meet for the same. I requested to stay back home and after some convincing I was successful.

As everyone left, I wondered what I would do the rest of the night. I decided to call Ryan and invite him over. We could spend the night together and then leave together for lunch tomorrow with the rest of our friends. "Dude, I can't come right now. If you had told me about this earlier, I would have managed it. But right now, I can't!", he excused.

He was right. Had I told him earlier, he definitely would have managed. It's hard to whip up something spontaneous on Eid, especially since everyone is busy with their families. I told him it's not a problem and wished him well. Normally I wouldn't be so lonely since around this time I would be busy with Nathan so I'd hop Online and eat his brains out. But can't do that anymore!

Crossing Ryan off the list, I thought of the other person I'd kill to have over right now. Christian! 

Sadly Christian is in India and I'm in Pakistan, so I couldn't meet him either. I have mentioned it in some posts before and I think I'll be repeating in many posts to come; I'd love to meet Christian and someday I hope I get to do that. Really do! But that's sort of out of context from the theme of this post.

If somebody ever asks me what Christian makes me think of, I'll most probably reply Sex and the City in the blink of an eye.

That's right! Christian is simply addicted to this show and is even more crazy about the movie and it's sequel. It's something I totally see us watching when we meet and that too just for the kicks. I know he'll have a thousand comments on every scene and I'd sit there to hear them out. We'd assign each other characters, I always find him to be a cross between Carrie and Samantha, while he feels I'm a mix of Charlotte and Miranda. We are complete ditz in each other's companies.

So I curled up with a Pizza Hut Chicken Supreme Pie and Coca Cola, along with the two Sex and the City movies. Did I have fun?

You betcha, fella!

Four hours of chomping down heavily salted cheese, pepperoni and olives guzzling can make anyone feel better. Also they all were talking about sex, relationship and love which has become a recent favorite of mine. It wasn't some soul searching move, I just felt like getting some 'Christian' time and since the movie primarily revolved around four best friends, I somehow felt closer to not only Christian but also Ryan.

Now I won't exactly classify as being gay unless I say that I totally felt like the characters in the movie, would I?. When you're gay, you totally find yourselves similar to the characters in this particular movie. Or at least so I hold an opinion.

I don't think I am wrong either to think that way. I wore a designer kurta for Eid. I sipped some mysterious liquid that came from a thermos, non-alcoholic ofcourse. I talked to some people about whom I had absolutely no idea. I ran into someone whom I run into just once every six months but still felt the same hatred I always do. In short, I got Samantha-fied, Charlotte-ish, Miranda-mized and last but not the least even Carrie-d away. At different parts of the movie, they all hit home at some point. When the movie ended I was very much in love with the idea of being in love. But that was just the first movie!

Without wasting a moment, I popped in the sequel. This was my first time watching the entire movie in on sitting, I had watched it up to the point they arrive in Abu Dhabi earlier. Most of it was completely new to me and I could not relate to most of it. Nothing hit home, even though the movie was mildly amusing. While the movie was somewhat of a disappointment, I reached another conclusion about my life by the time I got done.

My movie's sequel has yet to be shot. I just finished wrapping up my first one and right now I'm assessing my profits and losses. So that when the time for the sequel comes I how to proceed in order to make it a blockbuster. I really didn't know when sleep came over me. I went to sleep on the couch in front of the TV thinking about the same.

I woke up in the morning around 10AM, still alone in the house. After brushing my teeth, I checked my cell phone. There were a few missed calls and a single message. All the missed calls were from mom but the message was from the Yahoo! Messenger service on my cell. I had been signed out of my account that I had specifically created to chat with Nathan through my cell. It happens automatically if you don't send or receive any messages for 48 hours. Nathan was the only contact in that account because he was the sole reason I had created it.  That's one less thing I have to do now so maybe I won't feel bad. Wrong! I felt absolutely horrible once again and I just sat in the lounge for about thirty minutes.

That's what I have been going through for the past few days, I have gone sort of bipolar. There are moments when I'm indifferent and unattached to whatever that happened and then I'm a complete mess at other moments. It's infinitely disturbing and I really hope whatever is going on in me resolves soon. I seriously don't want to keep having these diva moments. I'm trying to keep my head straight and there are moments when I do manage that, it is especially so when I am intensely busy on the treadmill or the weight sets at home. But then my mom commented yesterday to take it easy on the machines, it seemed to her that I was mad at them. I apologized and stepped off.

I have to go and get ready now. Ryan is picking me up in an hour for our group lunch. It would be nice to be surrounded by guys again after a whole night alone with the girls.

I Miss Him

I miss him! I am missing him bad. Really bad! We have been having some issues and we are trying to sort them out. We decided on Friday that we won't be talking for two days, Saturday and Sunday.

Today is Sunday.  Today is the last day of the silence and tomorrow we would talk again. I can't wait. I want to talk to him right now. Right at this moment, but that would be against what we have planned. I have been kind of drooping all day and missing him. I tried not to bolt myself in the room because that would raise mum's antennas and she would be all inquisitive. I've been listening to crazy songs all day. Well not all day, I started listening to the songs right after opening my fast at Iftaar (Iftaar is when we have food after avoiding it since a little before sunrise). The funny thing is that the following songs have gone up about 10 to 20 numbers in my iTunes 'Most Played' list. I guess it really doesn't take a genius to know how I am feeling right now!

Lions, Tigers and Bears: Jazmine Sullivan

Lie: David Cook

Fearless: Colbie Caillat

Where Is Your Heart: Kelly Clarkson

Everytime: Britney Spears

My kid sister who usually hear thumping music coming from my bedroom at all hours commented, "I don't like you when you are depressed!". She shares with me everything and I couldn't share anything with her. I just told her I'm missing someone alot. She asked me if it was Gracie. LOL! 

That was my first genuine laugh of the day. I denied and shoo-ed her away. I can't wait for Monday evening, that's when I start expecting him to show up. I had not made an appearance on Blogosphere, so I came here for a while and read a couple of blogs here and there. It kinda took my mind of things. So here's a huge THANK YOU! to Falen, Fickle Cattle, Aaron, Ian, Delilah and Mike. Also another thank you goes to Christian for simply checking up on me.

You guys have no idea how much you lifted my spirits up today. Hope I can do the same for all of you some day!

I Miss Him

I miss him! I am missing him bad. Really bad! We have been having some issues and we are trying to sort them out. We decided on Friday that we won't be talking for two days, Saturday and Sunday.

Today is Sunday.  Today is the last day of the silence and tomorrow we would talk again. I can't wait. I want to talk to him right now. Right at this moment, but that would be against what we have planned. I have been kind of drooping all day and missing him. I tried not to bolt myself in the room because that would raise mum's antennas and she would be all inquisitive. I've been listening to crazy songs all day. Well not all day, I started listening to the songs right after opening my fast at Iftaar (Iftaar is when we have food after avoiding it since a little before sunrise). The funny thing is that the following songs have gone up about 10 to 20 numbers in my iTunes 'Most Played' list. I guess it really doesn't take a genius to know how I am feeling right now!

Lions, Tigers and Bears: Jazmine Sullivan

Lie: David Cook

Fearless: Colbie Caillat

Where Is Your Heart: Kelly Clarkson

Everytime: Britney Spears

My kid sister who usually hear thumping music coming from my bedroom at all hours commented, "I don't like you when you are depressed!". She shares with me everything and I couldn't share anything with her. I just told her I'm missing someone alot. She asked me if it was Gracie. LOL! 

That was my first genuine laugh of the day. I denied and shoo-ed her away. I can't wait for Monday evening, that's when I start expecting him to show up. I had not made an appearance on Blogosphere, so I came here for a while and read a couple of blogs here and there. It kinda took my mind of things. So here's a huge THANK YOU! to Falen, Fickle Cattle, Aaron, Ian, Delilah and Mike. Also another thank you goes to Christian for simply checking up on me.

You guys have no idea how much you lifted my spirits up today. Hope I can do the same for all of you some day!

Trust Factor

Trust is important! Trust is necessary! Trust is the basic foundation of any long lasting bond, whether it is between lovers, friends, a child and his/her parents or even between an animal and it's owner. Trust ensures when things go from good to bad, we can go to the individual at the other end of the bond and find him there. Trust is hard to find, especially at a place when everybody is speaking behind a veil of anonymity.

The WWW has become one of the largest patron of the gay community, it has made everything so easier. From hooking up to buying porn to finding the right one. Gays from all corner are turning to the online world everyday for many different reasons. Whatever their reason maybe, everybody manages to find a good friend to turn to. You can talk all you want but when the time comes to get things heart-to-heart, would you open to just anyone? Would you just go ahead and give anyone your details? Your Facebook profile? The 411 on you?

No, you don't! And you can't! As much as we know that the other person shares the same dark secret as you, you will still do everything to protect yourself. You won't take the first step until your damn sure that it won't come back and bite you in the butt.

I find it extremely hard to trust people. Yes, I am nice. But there is a fine line between being nice and being silly. I can be all warm, friendly and fuzzy but things aren't the same when I'm asked to show my picture or my phone number. I do all that once I'm sure about the other person. When I share number and stuff, I'm opening a new door through which I can be reached. So I need to know that he's not some crazy psycho. Congratulations to all those who passed the test! :p

But all this could have never really started until someone trusted me and showed me how to trust. Trusting someone you meet everyday is alot different from trusting someone you meet online everyday. It's very different. And I would have never really learned to trust had it not been for Christian!

We started talking and we really didn't share that much. But it felt friendly and nice, I never really expected to get along with him because he was like the demi-god in the Gay Community of Orkut and I was a recently hatched. We exchanged dozens of scraps (Very similar to wall-posts on FaceBook) and got to know about each other. The conversation somehow shifted to names we like.

"Ryan is one of my all time favorites!", I commented in that annoying chirpy-salesman attitude of mine, which if anybody gives me nowadays I'd punch them in the face.

"You know, my name is actually pretty close to Ryan!", Christian commented. "Very similar!", he told me.

"That's cool!", I commented. I didn't feel that it was appropriate to ask for his name, which would mean that I would have to do the same. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I did by now. But he's him and I'm me, we're miles apart and very different people. And then without my asking, he told me his real name. That was the ice-breaker. I had known him for just a few weeks but I felt comfortable with him. He could be a really good friend of mine. And then without any hesitation I told him mine.

"Do you mind if I add you to my straight ID on Orkut?", he asked. We were all pretty closeted back then, and we still are. But from one gay to another, we were just opening cabinets.

"Sure! I think that would be really cool!", I told him. Then he gave me the link and we extended our hands one more and brought ourselves closer together. We were friends then and we're even better friends now, and I keep having a feel that this is one bond that's a real keeper.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

Trust Factor

Trust is important! Trust is necessary! Trust is the basic foundation of any long lasting bond, whether it is between lovers, friends, a child and his/her parents or even between an animal and it's owner. Trust ensures when things go from good to bad, we can go to the individual at the other end of the bond and find him there. Trust is hard to find, especially at a place when everybody is speaking behind a veil of anonymity.

The WWW has become one of the largest patron of the gay community, it has made everything so easier. From hooking up to buying porn to finding the right one. Gays from all corner are turning to the online world everyday for many different reasons. Whatever their reason maybe, everybody manages to find a good friend to turn to. You can talk all you want but when the time comes to get things heart-to-heart, would you open to just anyone? Would you just go ahead and give anyone your details? Your Facebook profile? The 411 on you?

No, you don't! And you can't! As much as we know that the other person shares the same dark secret as you, you will still do everything to protect yourself. You won't take the first step until your damn sure that it won't come back and bite you in the butt.

I find it extremely hard to trust people. Yes, I am nice. But there is a fine line between being nice and being silly. I can be all warm, friendly and fuzzy but things aren't the same when I'm asked to show my picture or my phone number. I do all that once I'm sure about the other person. When I share number and stuff, I'm opening a new door through which I can be reached. So I need to know that he's not some crazy psycho. Congratulations to all those who passed the test! :p

But all this could have never really started until someone trusted me and showed me how to trust. Trusting someone you meet everyday is alot different from trusting someone you meet online everyday. It's very different. And I would have never really learned to trust had it not been for Christian!

We started talking and we really didn't share that much. But it felt friendly and nice, I never really expected to get along with him because he was like the demi-god in the Gay Community of Orkut and I was a recently hatched. We exchanged dozens of scraps (Very similar to wall-posts on FaceBook) and got to know about each other. The conversation somehow shifted to names we like.

"Ryan is one of my all time favorites!", I commented in that annoying chirpy-salesman attitude of mine, which if anybody gives me nowadays I'd punch them in the face.

"You know, my name is actually pretty close to Ryan!", Christian commented. "Very similar!", he told me.

"That's cool!", I commented. I didn't feel that it was appropriate to ask for his name, which would mean that I would have to do the same. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I did by now. But he's him and I'm me, we're miles apart and very different people. And then without my asking, he told me his real name. That was the ice-breaker. I had known him for just a few weeks but I felt comfortable with him. He could be a really good friend of mine. And then without any hesitation I told him mine.

"Do you mind if I add you to my straight ID on Orkut?", he asked. We were all pretty closeted back then, and we still are. But from one gay to another, we were just opening cabinets.

"Sure! I think that would be really cool!", I told him. Then he gave me the link and we extended our hands one more and brought ourselves closer together. We were friends then and we're even better friends now, and I keep having a feel that this is one bond that's a real keeper.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

So Today Sucked

7th of July was supposed to go great! 7th of July was supposed to be amazing! 7th of July was supposed to be an epic day! 7th of July was supposed to be memorable! 7th of July wasn't epic, amazing or even great. But yes, it was memorable. But not in the way I wanted it to be!

But I'm going way too fast, so let me shed some light on the details of this horrific day. I so need to blog this out! Nathan and I have been on three dates. Yeah, I know! I've yet to blog about the third date, it'll be up by tomorrow hopefully. My Internet service is completely screwed these days. Anyhow so we were supposed to have our fourth date today and this one was supposed the it date. I had finally managed a way to get a moment of privacy for us to be together. It all happened so quickly last night. I psyched up my family to go shopping as my younger brother has absolutely no suitable clothes to wear to my cousin's wedding that's coming soon. I displayed his current collection, most of them he has out-grown because of the teenage growth spurt. So everybody was going shopping, everybody except me. I had a class to attend, which Professor Nathan would be teaching. And I was planning to be a very very naughty student! We could have had our private moment. And we both were so excited about it!

Morning came, and I was all juiced for a spicy, sizzling afternoon that I had been waiting for. I know it wasn't the most romantic set-up, but the sneaking around and all gave it an adrenaline punch. We would have about two and a half all to ourselves with absolutely no disturbances. I was suppose to pick him up around 2 PM and bring him back to my place. My family would be gone by 2:30 PM and we would be home by 2:45 PM. I planned to make a call home to make sure that they have left. If they hadn't, we'd take abit longer. But we would definitely be home by 3 PM.

So I went for a shower at 12 PM and the door-bell rang. When I got out, guess who was there?! The repairman! The freak'in douche-bag of a repairman I had specifically instructed to show-up at 9 PM or later today. And to my complete annoyance, nobody had stopped him or anything. He was in the room, with his tools everywhere and repairing the God damn air conditioner. And in that one moment, I saw my entire plan crack like china glass. I contacted Mom to tell her about the repairman. She told me that she'll stay back and I was like 'No! Tell him to go and come at night or tomorrow, just not right now!'. But obviously, I couldn't say that. I mumbled in agreement.

I locked myself in the room and messaged Nathan instantly. Let's not meet today, he suggested. His mood was completely turned-off and I couldn't really do anything about it. I grabbed the keys and asked him that we could go somewhere out or something, but he denied. He was looking forward to being alone together and everything else would simply pale in comparison. We actually had a talk about yesterday about kissing and that led him to voice his fear of going back home without having kissed me even once. Being native to Pakistan, it was my responsibility to arrange for a place for a private moment. Earlier I had suggested a hotel for a day, but Nathan argued that it would be too suspicious if we book in for a few hours only. This isn't America, where you can get dirty in any motel room!

I was in my car and I couldn't go back home, so I phoned a friend asking if I could come over?. He said that he's got guests at home, so we decided to meet at some place and invite others as well. I made a detour and was the first one there, so I grabbed a booth for the group. As I waited there, I kept cycling through Nathan's messages and at that moment I wanted to be with Nathan only. I waited for the first one to show up so that I could hand the booth over to him and go home. It really wasn't worth doing anything else at this point. My heart was just not into it!

I stepped out of the cafe and looked up. It was the most perfect weather ever to be with someone you love. It was cloudy, slightly breeze and so cool. This weather rarely happened in my city. I finally had someone to be spend this awesome weather with, but it's all so screwed. I jumped into my car and as I put some life into it, the radio started blasting. I don't know if it was a freaky coincidence or what. I don't remember what was playing earlier on the stereo when I got out, but right now it was playing Jordin Spark's 'Battlefield' and I mumbled 'You really want me to cry out of frustration and desperation today, don't you?' and plugged the stereo off.



A very quick ride later I was pulling the car into my home and I saw my family leaving from the other exit. All I could think of at that moment was 'FML!'. It's really not in my nature to swear, but I really couldn't think of anything more appropriate at that moment. The repairman had left and that's why they were going. But it was too late to go and pick up Nathan now. I walked into my room and headed straight for the shower. I was showering and my phone started ringing like crazy. It wasn't Nathan since I have assigned him a separate ring tone so that I know when it's him calling and I can slink away if I'm in public. I didn't bother. It wasn't my family either, since I've assigned them their own ring tone too. I let the water pour down and take away all my anger, I'd call back whoever it was once I'm out.

I got out of the shower and checked my cellphone. Gracie called! What?! Seriously?! Gracie never calls. Okay, maybe rarely. But when she does call, it's something really big. So I gave her a call. Turns out she was at the house one of the girls who were coming today. She started complaining how I have been ignoring her in the vacations and there is something off about me lately. I told her that it's all in her head. Then she complained that the guy who I handed the booth to, told her that I was in a very bad mood today. She kept asking me what's wrong?, and I had to put up my best cheerful voice to throw her off. It was literally one of the most exhausting talks I have ever had. In the end I had to say, "Gracie, it's all in your head! We'll meet on Friday, I promise!". She began arguing again, but I kept repeating Friday, I promise. Finally she agreed. I threw my phone and collapsed on the bed.

The phone beeped after a while. This time it was Nathan. He had simmered down and apologized for the way he behaved. He explained that he was looking forward to it and when I told him that it may not be possible, he got really pissed. He asked if there was anything he could do to make-up for it?, that was so sweet of him. I told him if anything pops into my head, I'll let him know and we started talking about stuff as usual.

My net was still completely fizzled but I decided to give it a rogue try and went online. Surprisingly, it worked! But then as I sorted through my Orkut account, I got another bad news. Christian's Orkut account got hacked and deleted. Every topic he ever created in the forum went away with that, leaving me completely shattered. Thankfully Christian made a new account instantly, but still all the memories that we lost can't be replaced. Although we do have a fair idea of the culprit but if we nuke him out, we would be sinking to his level. So we're staying out of this one, as hard as it is to put up with this disaster.

I am literally frustrated beyond belief, so I'm blogging it all out. This quite possibly maybe the worst post of the decade, but some day I'll be having a great day and I'll read this post, and thank God for the giving me a bad day so that I appreciate the good ones even more. Everything has a purpose, nothing goes wasted!

So Today Sucked

7th of July was supposed to go great! 7th of July was supposed to be amazing! 7th of July was supposed to be an epic day! 7th of July was supposed to be memorable! 7th of July wasn't epic, amazing or even great. But yes, it was memorable. But not in the way I wanted it to be!

But I'm going way too fast, so let me shed some light on the details of this horrific day. I so need to blog this out! Nathan and I have been on three dates. Yeah, I know! I've yet to blog about the third date, it'll be up by tomorrow hopefully. My Internet service is completely screwed these days. Anyhow so we were supposed to have our fourth date today and this one was supposed the it date. I had finally managed a way to get a moment of privacy for us to be together. It all happened so quickly last night. I psyched up my family to go shopping as my younger brother has absolutely no suitable clothes to wear to my cousin's wedding that's coming soon. I displayed his current collection, most of them he has out-grown because of the teenage growth spurt. So everybody was going shopping, everybody except me. I had a class to attend, which Professor Nathan would be teaching. And I was planning to be a very very naughty student! We could have had our private moment. And we both were so excited about it!

Morning came, and I was all juiced for a spicy, sizzling afternoon that I had been waiting for. I know it wasn't the most romantic set-up, but the sneaking around and all gave it an adrenaline punch. We would have about two and a half all to ourselves with absolutely no disturbances. I was suppose to pick him up around 2 PM and bring him back to my place. My family would be gone by 2:30 PM and we would be home by 2:45 PM. I planned to make a call home to make sure that they have left. If they hadn't, we'd take abit longer. But we would definitely be home by 3 PM.

So I went for a shower at 12 PM and the door-bell rang. When I got out, guess who was there?! The repairman! The freak'in douche-bag of a repairman I had specifically instructed to show-up at 9 PM or later today. And to my complete annoyance, nobody had stopped him or anything. He was in the room, with his tools everywhere and repairing the God damn air conditioner. And in that one moment, I saw my entire plan crack like china glass. I contacted Mom to tell her about the repairman. She told me that she'll stay back and I was like 'No! Tell him to go and come at night or tomorrow, just not right now!'. But obviously, I couldn't say that. I mumbled in agreement.

I locked myself in the room and messaged Nathan instantly. Let's not meet today, he suggested. His mood was completely turned-off and I couldn't really do anything about it. I grabbed the keys and asked him that we could go somewhere out or something, but he denied. He was looking forward to being alone together and everything else would simply pale in comparison. We actually had a talk about yesterday about kissing and that led him to voice his fear of going back home without having kissed me even once. Being native to Pakistan, it was my responsibility to arrange for a place for a private moment. Earlier I had suggested a hotel for a day, but Nathan argued that it would be too suspicious if we book in for a few hours only. This isn't America, where you can get dirty in any motel room!

I was in my car and I couldn't go back home, so I phoned a friend asking if I could come over?. He said that he's got guests at home, so we decided to meet at some place and invite others as well. I made a detour and was the first one there, so I grabbed a booth for the group. As I waited there, I kept cycling through Nathan's messages and at that moment I wanted to be with Nathan only. I waited for the first one to show up so that I could hand the booth over to him and go home. It really wasn't worth doing anything else at this point. My heart was just not into it!

I stepped out of the cafe and looked up. It was the most perfect weather ever to be with someone you love. It was cloudy, slightly breeze and so cool. This weather rarely happened in my city. I finally had someone to be spend this awesome weather with, but it's all so screwed. I jumped into my car and as I put some life into it, the radio started blasting. I don't know if it was a freaky coincidence or what. I don't remember what was playing earlier on the stereo when I got out, but right now it was playing Jordin Spark's 'Battlefield' and I mumbled 'You really want me to cry out of frustration and desperation today, don't you?' and plugged the stereo off.



A very quick ride later I was pulling the car into my home and I saw my family leaving from the other exit. All I could think of at that moment was 'FML!'. It's really not in my nature to swear, but I really couldn't think of anything more appropriate at that moment. The repairman had left and that's why they were going. But it was too late to go and pick up Nathan now. I walked into my room and headed straight for the shower. I was showering and my phone started ringing like crazy. It wasn't Nathan since I have assigned him a separate ring tone so that I know when it's him calling and I can slink away if I'm in public. I didn't bother. It wasn't my family either, since I've assigned them their own ring tone too. I let the water pour down and take away all my anger, I'd call back whoever it was once I'm out.

I got out of the shower and checked my cellphone. Gracie called! What?! Seriously?! Gracie never calls. Okay, maybe rarely. But when she does call, it's something really big. So I gave her a call. Turns out she was at the house one of the girls who were coming today. She started complaining how I have been ignoring her in the vacations and there is something off about me lately. I told her that it's all in her head. Then she complained that the guy who I handed the booth to, told her that I was in a very bad mood today. She kept asking me what's wrong?, and I had to put up my best cheerful voice to throw her off. It was literally one of the most exhausting talks I have ever had. In the end I had to say, "Gracie, it's all in your head! We'll meet on Friday, I promise!". She began arguing again, but I kept repeating Friday, I promise. Finally she agreed. I threw my phone and collapsed on the bed.

The phone beeped after a while. This time it was Nathan. He had simmered down and apologized for the way he behaved. He explained that he was looking forward to it and when I told him that it may not be possible, he got really pissed. He asked if there was anything he could do to make-up for it?, that was so sweet of him. I told him if anything pops into my head, I'll let him know and we started talking about stuff as usual.

My net was still completely fizzled but I decided to give it a rogue try and went online. Surprisingly, it worked! But then as I sorted through my Orkut account, I got another bad news. Christian's Orkut account got hacked and deleted. Every topic he ever created in the forum went away with that, leaving me completely shattered. Thankfully Christian made a new account instantly, but still all the memories that we lost can't be replaced. Although we do have a fair idea of the culprit but if we nuke him out, we would be sinking to his level. So we're staying out of this one, as hard as it is to put up with this disaster.

I am literally frustrated beyond belief, so I'm blogging it all out. This quite possibly maybe the worst post of the decade, but some day I'll be having a great day and I'll read this post, and thank God for the giving me a bad day so that I appreciate the good ones even more. Everything has a purpose, nothing goes wasted!

Christian

Before I made my Phunk Factor profile on Orkut, I had another gay profile on Orkut. I had made it when I was 16 and on my summer break, completely out of boredom. The profile didn't last very long, possibly 8 months at most. Through that profile I had my first little taste of the gay community on Orkut.

The results weren't that appealing frankly speaking. Everyone was asking for my stats and cell number. The funny thing is, I was so naive that I had absolutely no idea what are stats and I used to share my sister's cell phone so I couldn't give out my number. Although the idea of hooking up did fascinate me but I needed to trust the other person. But that wasn't happening. Everyone wanted quick service. It's my ass, you moron! I need to trust you before I let you even touch it once!

I had also joined in a few forums, but I didn't actively participate in any of the discussion going on over there. I took a back seat and observed what people said. Amongst the entire crowd, one person stood out to me most. His views were definite and thought provoking. He had also posted a fiction story somewhere and I can't describe in words how amazing it felt to read it. 'Satisfaction' doesn't begin to describe what I felt after reading it. It was like finding an extremely good book in the most pathetic library ever!

As mentioned earlier the profile didn't last very long. But even after I had deleted it, I used to visit the gay forums just to see if he had made any new post or written a new story. Sometimes I felt the urge to add him on my straight profile but then I used to think about my other 162 contacts and chicken out. He was literally my own personal gay icon!

Back then, he had this really obscure picture of image of the Indian actor, Arjun Rampal. It was so obscure that many people thought it was actually him. Poor dude had to include in his 'About Me' that it's not him in the picture. However let me add this, his 'About Me' was one of the best I had ever read. I wish I had saved a copy of it somewhere, but sadly I haven't.

At the end of 2007, I made a new gay profile on Orkut and this ID became Phunk Factor. And it was on this ID that I got to know him. He wasn't the first person I added into my friendlist, but he does happen to be the first person that I revealed my real identity to and then added him onto my straight profile on Orkut as well. That counts for alot!

What started in the beginning of 2008 has lasted till now and it has kept on getting better and better. It might be abit too self-absorbed to say, but we're like the ladies of Sex and the City. Been friends through alot. It's sad that I've never met him. I've seen him on web-cam and we've exchanged pictures on special occasions, but we know each other really well. To watch him move out of a small city to one of the metropolitian cities of India has been amazing. I don't know when I'll be meeting him, but I can tell you one thing for sure. Before I exit this not-so-cruel world, I plan to meet him once, give him a real tight hug and smack him for making a couple of really stupid decision.

Being one of the important people in my life, he certainly deserved a place on my blog. And he will be known as Christian. Stay tuned, alot more to come on him sooner and later!

Happy Birthday, Christian!

Hope I managed to make your day special once again!

Christian

Before I made my Phunk Factor profile on Orkut, I had another gay profile on Orkut. I had made it when I was 16 and on my summer break, completely out of boredom. The profile didn't last very long, possibly 8 months at most. Through that profile I had my first little taste of the gay community on Orkut.

The results weren't that appealing frankly speaking. Everyone was asking for my stats and cell number. The funny thing is, I was so naive that I had absolutely no idea what are stats and I used to share my sister's cell phone so I couldn't give out my number. Although the idea of hooking up did fascinate me but I needed to trust the other person. But that wasn't happening. Everyone wanted quick service. It's my ass, you moron! I need to trust you before I let you even touch it once!

I had also joined in a few forums, but I didn't actively participate in any of the discussion going on over there. I took a back seat and observed what people said. Amongst the entire crowd, one person stood out to me most. His views were definite and thought provoking. He had also posted a fiction story somewhere and I can't describe in words how amazing it felt to read it. 'Satisfaction' doesn't begin to describe what I felt after reading it. It was like finding an extremely good book in the most pathetic library ever!

As mentioned earlier the profile didn't last very long. But even after I had deleted it, I used to visit the gay forums just to see if he had made any new post or written a new story. Sometimes I felt the urge to add him on my straight profile but then I used to think about my other 162 contacts and chicken out. He was literally my own personal gay icon!

Back then, he had this really obscure picture of image of the Indian actor, Arjun Rampal. It was so obscure that many people thought it was actually him. Poor dude had to include in his 'About Me' that it's not him in the picture. However let me add this, his 'About Me' was one of the best I had ever read. I wish I had saved a copy of it somewhere, but sadly I haven't.

At the end of 2007, I made a new gay profile on Orkut and this ID became Phunk Factor. And it was on this ID that I got to know him. He wasn't the first person I added into my friendlist, but he does happen to be the first person that I revealed my real identity to and then added him onto my straight profile on Orkut as well. That counts for alot!

What started in the beginning of 2008 has lasted till now and it has kept on getting better and better. It might be abit too self-absorbed to say, but we're like the ladies of Sex and the City. Been friends through alot. It's sad that I've never met him. I've seen him on web-cam and we've exchanged pictures on special occasions, but we know each other really well. To watch him move out of a small city to one of the metropolitian cities of India has been amazing. I don't know when I'll be meeting him, but I can tell you one thing for sure. Before I exit this not-so-cruel world, I plan to meet him once, give him a real tight hug and smack him for making a couple of really stupid decision.

Being one of the important people in my life, he certainly deserved a place on my blog. And he will be known as Christian. Stay tuned, alot more to come on him sooner and later!

Happy Birthday, Christian!

Hope I managed to make your day special once again!