A Is For Avoidance

I don't think of myself as a superstitious person. I really don't! However I've had a bad run with a certain variable and I have grown very cautious about it. Generally little thing like this are not something that I would let hold me back, but lately the thought just can't escape from my head. The thought being that guys who's real names begin with A are not suitable for a relationship when it comes to me.

As little children, when we start learning the alphabets we are given these books which have the alphabet on one page and directly opposite is an object who's name starts with the said letter. Like A stands for Apple, B is for Ball, C is for Cat and so on. My personal opinion has changed and in my picture book A does not stand for Apple but for Avoidance.

This avoidance isn't something I would fancy to have but rather a cold and cruel compilation of bittersweet facts. Looking back over to the guys I've gotten involved with both Nathan and Bruce had their names starting with A. Ryan - my best friend has just about everything I like in a guy but he doesn't turn me on the least bit even though he is quite attractive. By chance, his name also begins with the letter A. Then two guys with whom things got really messy once I turned them down also had their names from A. Another guy who took great interest in me up till the point he saw my picture also had an A name. And lastly a certain guy who's advances I'm trying to stop effecting me also has a name starting with the letter A.

There is most definitely a certain pattern to this madness. I don't know how the whole name business affects my relationship chemistry or just the fact how I have to behave with another guy. But in any case, it does make sense that I avoid such guys like the plague.

I won't deny that I have gotten a wee bit commitment phobic since my break up with Nathan. But the search is still going on. I am literally now scared to get to know the name of a certain guy I like. Everytime I send a message asking for his name and get a reply for it, I'm literally praying "Don't let the name be from the letter A! Don't let the name be from the letter A!". It's crazy but I can't help it! If I see a certain way out to save something from crashing and burning, I would grab on to every last straw I possibly can.

If you recall from an earlier post about my friend Ted who was trying to fix me up with his best friend. Unfortunately for me, his name started with the letter A. Uh Oh! Did my love boat sink even before leaving the dock?

No!, I told myself. Your being completely stupid and irrational, this really isn't something that you should give a second thought to. It's all in your head. Snap out of it! Given my history I can't help being so paranoid, but Ted really thinks we can be a great couple and I should really give him a chance.

Two days ago I got a text from Ted's friend asking if I was free for a phone call. I was and a three minutes later we were on. The talk started very casually with both of us updating each other about our lives. However the call was strictly business from his end. Turns out he is having some tough issues to face right now and doesn't really have time for a relation. He thinks I'm a great guy but we would be better off as friends. Perhaps at some other point, we would have been a good couple but now is not the right time. In short, it's over!

I'm not mad at him. I'm glad he was upfront and honest with me. He didn't really tell me what stuff is exactly going on but it it is indeed true - I hope he solves the issues soon. He's a nice guy. At any rate, another guy who's name starts with A turned me down. Please tell me it's not just in my head! 

A Is For Avoidance

I don't think of myself as a superstitious person. I really don't! However I've had a bad run with a certain variable and I have grown very cautious about it. Generally little thing like this are not something that I would let hold me back, but lately the thought just can't escape from my head. The thought being that guys who's real names begin with A are not suitable for a relationship when it comes to me.

As little children, when we start learning the alphabets we are given these books which have the alphabet on one page and directly opposite is an object who's name starts with the said letter. Like A stands for Apple, B is for Ball, C is for Cat and so on. My personal opinion has changed and in my picture book A does not stand for Apple but for Avoidance.

This avoidance isn't something I would fancy to have but rather a cold and cruel compilation of bittersweet facts. Looking back over to the guys I've gotten involved with both Nathan and Bruce had their names starting with A. Ryan - my best friend has just about everything I like in a guy but he doesn't turn me on the least bit even though he is quite attractive. By chance, his name also begins with the letter A. Then two guys with whom things got really messy once I turned them down also had their names from A. Another guy who took great interest in me up till the point he saw my picture also had an A name. And lastly a certain guy who's advances I'm trying to stop effecting me also has a name starting with the letter A.

There is most definitely a certain pattern to this madness. I don't know how the whole name business affects my relationship chemistry or just the fact how I have to behave with another guy. But in any case, it does make sense that I avoid such guys like the plague.

I won't deny that I have gotten a wee bit commitment phobic since my break up with Nathan. But the search is still going on. I am literally now scared to get to know the name of a certain guy I like. Everytime I send a message asking for his name and get a reply for it, I'm literally praying "Don't let the name be from the letter A! Don't let the name be from the letter A!". It's crazy but I can't help it! If I see a certain way out to save something from crashing and burning, I would grab on to every last straw I possibly can.

If you recall from an earlier post about my friend Ted who was trying to fix me up with his best friend. Unfortunately for me, his name started with the letter A. Uh Oh! Did my love boat sink even before leaving the dock?

No!, I told myself. Your being completely stupid and irrational, this really isn't something that you should give a second thought to. It's all in your head. Snap out of it! Given my history I can't help being so paranoid, but Ted really thinks we can be a great couple and I should really give him a chance.

Two days ago I got a text from Ted's friend asking if I was free for a phone call. I was and a three minutes later we were on. The talk started very casually with both of us updating each other about our lives. However the call was strictly business from his end. Turns out he is having some tough issues to face right now and doesn't really have time for a relation. He thinks I'm a great guy but we would be better off as friends. Perhaps at some other point, we would have been a good couple but now is not the right time. In short, it's over!

I'm not mad at him. I'm glad he was upfront and honest with me. He didn't really tell me what stuff is exactly going on but it it is indeed true - I hope he solves the issues soon. He's a nice guy. At any rate, another guy who's name starts with A turned me down. Please tell me it's not just in my head! 

Hands All Over

The room was perfect in the sense that I have always dreamed of owning a room like it. It screamed 'Man' so loud that you would go deaf. It wasn't dirty, besides the usual mess of books confined on the table and CDs strewn all over the computer table. There was no bed, instead two mattresses placed on top of one another. There was some sort of cushioned back support, a mother's touch I guess. Two giant ass pillows and a bed side table with a laptop resting over it, playing an episode of Seinfeld. Bruce loved to watch Seinfeld, he didn't like any of the other programs airing back then except for Prison Break. There was bookshelves on the wall housing his MBA books and a few pictures of his nephew. The walls were a pale shade of green, which was the only thing I disagreed with. I prefer hues of blue or a plain simple white. The coolest part was the closet built into the wall. I hate bumps coming in the wall of on-going walls. Built-in closets are amazing!

"So what do you think?", he asked.

I didn't know how to respond to it. It wasn't like he had renovated for me, it had always been like this. I decided to give my honest opinion but tone down the level of excitement. "It's super!" I said with a smile.

He walked to the revolving chair and pulled it to the mattresses. I was sitting on the mattress, feeling it's firmness. It was weird but comfortable. I wasn't aware that he was looking at me for quite some time. "What?", I asked.

"Nothing!", he said with a smile.

"Your constant smiling is freaking me out!", I told him. "What's going on? Tell me!" I pleaded.

"Nothing!", he repeated. "Seriously, is it so wrong that I like looking at you?" he asked.

"There's nothing wrong but I feel like you're a starving lion and I'm a Zebra with the largest behind ever!" I complained.

"You really need to work on your analogies!", he poked me with his toes. Unfortunately that toe poked my sides and I let out a rather large giggle. I quickly stifled up.

"Are you ticklish?", he asked.

"No!", I replied instantly. He poked me again with his toe and I laughed again, louder than last time.

"You are!", he said all wide-eyed. "You are more ticklish than my nephew!", still sitting on the chair he went down and grabbed my ankle. He pulled it up into his lap before I could react to it and start tickling. Naturally I started laughing and bouncing all over the bed in response. I kept telling him to stop, which he obeyed for a while only before starting again. Finally I managed to wrench my foot free from him. He was laughing too right now. The ice that had been broken was slowly starting to build up again. I had slithered my foot into his jeans from the leg-hole and was grazing his leg. I guess he felt that was a good signal because after some time he got up from the chair and joined me on the mattress. We both didn't really say anything as he moved closer. I waited for something to happen and I realized it was about to happen now.

Bruce and I were just an inch away now and he leaned in, "Ready?" he asked.

I didn't know what to say to him. My tongue had been reduced to liquid and my brain had stopped functioning. I felt my heart was in my throat and I was going to vomit it out any second. I didn't respond but Bruce went ahead anyways. My eyes closed automatically, I was copying whatever he was doing. What I didn't see coming was his tongue. My teeth stayed clenched. He stopped and withdrew. "I know you haven't kissed before, but I was hoping that you were atleast aware of how people kiss!", he remarked with a smile.

"I froze!", I told him.

Bruce crept all the way to the back of the mattress and lied down. "Come here!" he told me. I turned around and lay next to him. "Was it too soon?", he asked.

I denied it. "Just take it abit slow!" I told him. Bruce showed his agreement with a blink and a smile. I can never forget that look. It prepared me for what was to come. He lowered his head again but he didn't go for my lips. He buried it next it to side of my head and started from there. It felt awkward at first, I really had no idea what to do next. Yeah, it felt good but I think because I was processing it too much it kept me from getting lost in the passion. As I had predicted, I was immediately conscious of my body.

He had worn a button down shirt as I requested. I find the whole unbuttoning process extremely arousing, it makes the foreplay last longer leading to more exciting and steamier sex. I don't mind t-shirts, but good button downs turn me on like a freak. I had opened a few of the bottom ones, I was feeling him up. In the next few moments, his shirt had been cast aside and the jeans was open. He stopped kissing and got on top of me. I was scared for a moment because he was much heavier than me and this was sort of going in the direction I did not want it to go. Thankfully he did that just to take off my shirt and once done, he went down. As he lay on top, he was surprisingly light. I wasn't pressed like I expected to be. Either he was lighter than I had imagined him to be or he somehow knew how to balance himself so that I don't feel his weight.

Bruce was on top of me now and was humping slowly. This was the point I really started freaking out because I felt the limits I had set were being crossed and this was definitely too soon in my book. "Stop, please!" I whispered.

"What?", he asked looking up.

"Can we stop now?", I asked. He looked angry and confused at the same time. "We're going too fast!" I gulped with my eyes closed. He's going to choke me and I'm going to die in this dream room of mine.

"Seriously?", he asked. I nodded in response and began pulling up my jeans.

"What's the time?", I asked.

"It's close to 5:30!", he remarked. I looked back, he was pushing back his hair trying to settle them down from the crazy mess I had made pulling and tugging them while making-out.

"I need to go now! It's late and the traffic is going to be haphazard crazy. Any later and I'm going to be reaching home very late.", I excused myself. He got up and threw on his shirt quickly.

"I'm going with you!", he told me.

"What?", I asked him in amazement. "Why?", I asked.

"I'm not letting you drive alone in the traffic. You got your license like 2 months ago, you can't handle evening traffic!" he told me sternly. He was pissed, I could tell.

"No!", I said stopping him. "It would be a hassle for you!"

"Phunk!" he glared.

"Bruce, please!" I told him, "I need to go alone. I need to think and process, can't do that with you in the passenger seat!" However Bruce wasn't one to be convinced. I considered running away with the car when he closed the gates of his home but that would have been really rude. "Promise, you won't say a word!" I told him. He promised and didn't say a word the entire drive except critiquing my driving skills, telling me which route to take and maneuver through the traffic. It was a little annoying but I did not have the balls to criticize him.

Later when the streets got relatively clear, he had me drop him off at a bus stop from where he took a bus back home. I hung around till the bus came. Thank God there were people surrounding us, it prevented Bruce from talking about anything. I wasn't sure if he even wanted to talk.

As the bus carrying Bruce drove away into a sea of smog, I settled into my car and drove home. I hated myself for behaving like a prude back at Bruce's place but it just felt wrong at that moment. I didn't even feel like kissing him properly and that made me wonder if Bruce was the right one for me. I came back home and had a nice long bath, I messaged Bruce that if he has time he should let me know, I will call him up and give him a chance to ask, talk or whatever he has on his mind.

Hands All Over

The room was perfect in the sense that I have always dreamed of owning a room like it. It screamed 'Man' so loud that you would go deaf. It wasn't dirty, besides the usual mess of books confined on the table and CDs strewn all over the computer table. There was no bed, instead two mattresses placed on top of one another. There was some sort of cushioned back support, a mother's touch I guess. Two giant ass pillows and a bed side table with a laptop resting over it, playing an episode of Seinfeld. Bruce loved to watch Seinfeld, he didn't like any of the other programs airing back then except for Prison Break. There was bookshelves on the wall housing his MBA books and a few pictures of his nephew. The walls were a pale shade of green, which was the only thing I disagreed with. I prefer hues of blue or a plain simple white. The coolest part was the closet built into the wall. I hate bumps coming in the wall of on-going walls. Built-in closets are amazing!

"So what do you think?", he asked.

I didn't know how to respond to it. It wasn't like he had renovated for me, it had always been like this. I decided to give my honest opinion but tone down the level of excitement. "It's super!" I said with a smile.

He walked to the revolving chair and pulled it to the mattresses. I was sitting on the mattress, feeling it's firmness. It was weird but comfortable. I wasn't aware that he was looking at me for quite some time. "What?", I asked.

"Nothing!", he said with a smile.

"Your constant smiling is freaking me out!", I told him. "What's going on? Tell me!" I pleaded.

"Nothing!", he repeated. "Seriously, is it so wrong that I like looking at you?" he asked.

"There's nothing wrong but I feel like you're a starving lion and I'm a Zebra with the largest behind ever!" I complained.

"You really need to work on your analogies!", he poked me with his toes. Unfortunately that toe poked my sides and I let out a rather large giggle. I quickly stifled up.

"Are you ticklish?", he asked.

"No!", I replied instantly. He poked me again with his toe and I laughed again, louder than last time.

"You are!", he said all wide-eyed. "You are more ticklish than my nephew!", still sitting on the chair he went down and grabbed my ankle. He pulled it up into his lap before I could react to it and start tickling. Naturally I started laughing and bouncing all over the bed in response. I kept telling him to stop, which he obeyed for a while only before starting again. Finally I managed to wrench my foot free from him. He was laughing too right now. The ice that had been broken was slowly starting to build up again. I had slithered my foot into his jeans from the leg-hole and was grazing his leg. I guess he felt that was a good signal because after some time he got up from the chair and joined me on the mattress. We both didn't really say anything as he moved closer. I waited for something to happen and I realized it was about to happen now.

Bruce and I were just an inch away now and he leaned in, "Ready?" he asked.

I didn't know what to say to him. My tongue had been reduced to liquid and my brain had stopped functioning. I felt my heart was in my throat and I was going to vomit it out any second. I didn't respond but Bruce went ahead anyways. My eyes closed automatically, I was copying whatever he was doing. What I didn't see coming was his tongue. My teeth stayed clenched. He stopped and withdrew. "I know you haven't kissed before, but I was hoping that you were atleast aware of how people kiss!", he remarked with a smile.

"I froze!", I told him.

Bruce crept all the way to the back of the mattress and lied down. "Come here!" he told me. I turned around and lay next to him. "Was it too soon?", he asked.

I denied it. "Just take it abit slow!" I told him. Bruce showed his agreement with a blink and a smile. I can never forget that look. It prepared me for what was to come. He lowered his head again but he didn't go for my lips. He buried it next it to side of my head and started from there. It felt awkward at first, I really had no idea what to do next. Yeah, it felt good but I think because I was processing it too much it kept me from getting lost in the passion. As I had predicted, I was immediately conscious of my body.

He had worn a button down shirt as I requested. I find the whole unbuttoning process extremely arousing, it makes the foreplay last longer leading to more exciting and steamier sex. I don't mind t-shirts, but good button downs turn me on like a freak. I had opened a few of the bottom ones, I was feeling him up. In the next few moments, his shirt had been cast aside and the jeans was open. He stopped kissing and got on top of me. I was scared for a moment because he was much heavier than me and this was sort of going in the direction I did not want it to go. Thankfully he did that just to take off my shirt and once done, he went down. As he lay on top, he was surprisingly light. I wasn't pressed like I expected to be. Either he was lighter than I had imagined him to be or he somehow knew how to balance himself so that I don't feel his weight.

Bruce was on top of me now and was humping slowly. This was the point I really started freaking out because I felt the limits I had set were being crossed and this was definitely too soon in my book. "Stop, please!" I whispered.

"What?", he asked looking up.

"Can we stop now?", I asked. He looked angry and confused at the same time. "We're going too fast!" I gulped with my eyes closed. He's going to choke me and I'm going to die in this dream room of mine.

"Seriously?", he asked. I nodded in response and began pulling up my jeans.

"What's the time?", I asked.

"It's close to 5:30!", he remarked. I looked back, he was pushing back his hair trying to settle them down from the crazy mess I had made pulling and tugging them while making-out.

"I need to go now! It's late and the traffic is going to be haphazard crazy. Any later and I'm going to be reaching home very late.", I excused myself. He got up and threw on his shirt quickly.

"I'm going with you!", he told me.

"What?", I asked him in amazement. "Why?", I asked.

"I'm not letting you drive alone in the traffic. You got your license like 2 months ago, you can't handle evening traffic!" he told me sternly. He was pissed, I could tell.

"No!", I said stopping him. "It would be a hassle for you!"

"Phunk!" he glared.

"Bruce, please!" I told him, "I need to go alone. I need to think and process, can't do that with you in the passenger seat!" However Bruce wasn't one to be convinced. I considered running away with the car when he closed the gates of his home but that would have been really rude. "Promise, you won't say a word!" I told him. He promised and didn't say a word the entire drive except critiquing my driving skills, telling me which route to take and maneuver through the traffic. It was a little annoying but I did not have the balls to criticize him.

Later when the streets got relatively clear, he had me drop him off at a bus stop from where he took a bus back home. I hung around till the bus came. Thank God there were people surrounding us, it prevented Bruce from talking about anything. I wasn't sure if he even wanted to talk.

As the bus carrying Bruce drove away into a sea of smog, I settled into my car and drove home. I hated myself for behaving like a prude back at Bruce's place but it just felt wrong at that moment. I didn't even feel like kissing him properly and that made me wonder if Bruce was the right one for me. I came back home and had a nice long bath, I messaged Bruce that if he has time he should let me know, I will call him up and give him a chance to ask, talk or whatever he has on his mind.

The Cheesy Killer

I reached Bruce place around 4 in the afternoon. I had agreed to come over to his place the day he asked me to come over, but I considered multiple number of times to call and cancel on the plan. Another part of me wanted to simply not show up. Give no reason and completely ignore it, but that would have been too much. I got ready and left my place around 3.

As suspected, the journey took about an hour. Everybody seems to live so far away from my place; Bruce, Ryan, Nathan and just about everybody else. I had goose bumps all over my body as I drove. I tried relaxing myself with some anthems but images of hot heavy sex kept pushing through my brain. It was like the inside of my eyelids had been painted by some artist who specializes in Kama Sutra portraits. It was the weirdest experience ever, but perhaps it was because this would turn out to be my first ever experience with a guy. I won't deny and say that I wasn't excited, because I was. I was really very much excited. But at the exact same time I was scared in a total out of the body experience.

I called him up as I approached his place. He had asked me to park the car inside so that I'm not worried about anyone breaking into the car. I asked him if he lived in a safe neighborhood, because I expected at least some security given that he lived in a posh area of my city. He wanted no thought to bother me so he had made that arrangement. I was a little smitten by the gallant gesture. As I parked in very carefully trying not to bump into anything; I get nervous in new places, Bruce jumped into the car. "How are you doing? Nervous?", he asked.

I could just scowl in response to that. "I can't let go of that freak'in steering wheel. That's how nervous I am!", I snapped at him.

"Don't worry. We won't be doing anything that you don't want to do!", he explained very smoothly. I felt that he was being honest. I know it was a huge effort for him to be this composed, open and clear. Bruce is an extremely  physical person. He had been having sex since he was 17 and he had done it multiple times before. This was his first time being in a relation and since it largely involved being sincere and monogamous, I did realize it was a huge effort for him. Even though it was expected from him, I was very happy at his effort.

We went into the house and he closed the door behind us. It was so huge and white from the inside. Also spotless! I can't remember ever seeing anything this spotless and clean. "So is it usually this clean or did you do that specially for me?", I asked him.

"Oh no! I just cleaned my room for you. Babu does the rest of the house every day!", he told me as a matter-of-fact way.

"Babu?!", I asked in surprise. "Who's Babu?"

"Our servant! He's the caretaker of the house and now very much like family. With mom and dad going abroad so often to meet my brothers, I really can't be expected to take care of the house!", he told me. "Babu was hired as a child by my grandfather as his personal servant. Over time, he took in-charge of taking care of everyone. He's awesome!" he told me with the biggest smile ever.

"That's cool!", I said. "So is he around?", I asked again.

"No! I gave him a day off! He would be around late to make dinner but I think you would be gone by then! Would you?" he asked me.

"I just came and you are already asking me when I am going to leave!", I said sarcastically. "I'm loving your boyfriend attitude!"

"You know I didn't mean that!", he came close and wrapped his arms around me. I stood there rooted to the ground. Is he going to kiss me now?, I wondered. He just stood there with his arms around and kept on smiling.

We must have stood like that for a five minutes. He was still smiling. How can he still just smile?. I was starting to feel awkward right now. He had a really tight grip. "Aren't you going to do something?", I asked him.

"Do you want me to do something?" he asked. Oh, he's being naughty! He wants me to make the first move. That's so wrong! My first time, I should not be making the first move.

"Bruce!" I growled.

"I won't do it till you tell me you want me to do it!", he told me. He still had that stupid smile plastered on his face.

"Do you torture all of your dates like this?", I asked him.

"Nopes! Just the ones I intend to keep!" he said. Only he could pull off something cheesy like that and still make it sound hot. I considered asking him to kiss me but then I'm not the one to give up so easily. Also I was wondering if I make him wait long enough, would he make the first move on his own.

"So if you don't mind, can you please let me go. It's going to be really awkward going to the washroom if we intend to stay like this!", I replied. By now I had my arms around him as well, if he was playing tough I'm ready to bring my A-Game into the field. I can be very awesome at flirting. Very very awesome!

"Why?", he asked innocently. "Nothing there, that I won't be seeing eventually!" he poked.

"Bruce!", I scowled and stepped on his toes with mine. He let me go and headed upstairs. I followed him up taking time to look at the pictures lining the wall against the stairs. It looked like one of those houses you get to see on TV. So eloquent and well-designed! I take great pride in my mother's designing ability and find our house extremely warm and comforting. But Bruce's house radiated something like precision of the highest level. I considered asking him if they had hired some interior designer, but it would have been too weird.

His room was the second one from the end of the stairs. "Ready?", he asked.

I went ahead and pushed the door open. The room left me breathless, speechless, thoughtless and completely shocked, much like it's owner did to me. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Bruce stood behind me, probably smiling. I don't remember. I was trying to absorb my surroundings right now and getting accustomed to them, because it all seriously felt like some dream.

The Cheesy Killer

I reached Bruce place around 4 in the afternoon. I had agreed to come over to his place the day he asked me to come over, but I considered multiple number of times to call and cancel on the plan. Another part of me wanted to simply not show up. Give no reason and completely ignore it, but that would have been too much. I got ready and left my place around 3.

As suspected, the journey took about an hour. Everybody seems to live so far away from my place; Bruce, Ryan, Nathan and just about everybody else. I had goose bumps all over my body as I drove. I tried relaxing myself with some anthems but images of hot heavy sex kept pushing through my brain. It was like the inside of my eyelids had been painted by some artist who specializes in Kama Sutra portraits. It was the weirdest experience ever, but perhaps it was because this would turn out to be my first ever experience with a guy. I won't deny and say that I wasn't excited, because I was. I was really very much excited. But at the exact same time I was scared in a total out of the body experience.

I called him up as I approached his place. He had asked me to park the car inside so that I'm not worried about anyone breaking into the car. I asked him if he lived in a safe neighborhood, because I expected at least some security given that he lived in a posh area of my city. He wanted no thought to bother me so he had made that arrangement. I was a little smitten by the gallant gesture. As I parked in very carefully trying not to bump into anything; I get nervous in new places, Bruce jumped into the car. "How are you doing? Nervous?", he asked.

I could just scowl in response to that. "I can't let go of that freak'in steering wheel. That's how nervous I am!", I snapped at him.

"Don't worry. We won't be doing anything that you don't want to do!", he explained very smoothly. I felt that he was being honest. I know it was a huge effort for him to be this composed, open and clear. Bruce is an extremely  physical person. He had been having sex since he was 17 and he had done it multiple times before. This was his first time being in a relation and since it largely involved being sincere and monogamous, I did realize it was a huge effort for him. Even though it was expected from him, I was very happy at his effort.

We went into the house and he closed the door behind us. It was so huge and white from the inside. Also spotless! I can't remember ever seeing anything this spotless and clean. "So is it usually this clean or did you do that specially for me?", I asked him.

"Oh no! I just cleaned my room for you. Babu does the rest of the house every day!", he told me as a matter-of-fact way.

"Babu?!", I asked in surprise. "Who's Babu?"

"Our servant! He's the caretaker of the house and now very much like family. With mom and dad going abroad so often to meet my brothers, I really can't be expected to take care of the house!", he told me. "Babu was hired as a child by my grandfather as his personal servant. Over time, he took in-charge of taking care of everyone. He's awesome!" he told me with the biggest smile ever.

"That's cool!", I said. "So is he around?", I asked again.

"No! I gave him a day off! He would be around late to make dinner but I think you would be gone by then! Would you?" he asked me.

"I just came and you are already asking me when I am going to leave!", I said sarcastically. "I'm loving your boyfriend attitude!"

"You know I didn't mean that!", he came close and wrapped his arms around me. I stood there rooted to the ground. Is he going to kiss me now?, I wondered. He just stood there with his arms around and kept on smiling.

We must have stood like that for a five minutes. He was still smiling. How can he still just smile?. I was starting to feel awkward right now. He had a really tight grip. "Aren't you going to do something?", I asked him.

"Do you want me to do something?" he asked. Oh, he's being naughty! He wants me to make the first move. That's so wrong! My first time, I should not be making the first move.

"Bruce!" I growled.

"I won't do it till you tell me you want me to do it!", he told me. He still had that stupid smile plastered on his face.

"Do you torture all of your dates like this?", I asked him.

"Nopes! Just the ones I intend to keep!" he said. Only he could pull off something cheesy like that and still make it sound hot. I considered asking him to kiss me but then I'm not the one to give up so easily. Also I was wondering if I make him wait long enough, would he make the first move on his own.

"So if you don't mind, can you please let me go. It's going to be really awkward going to the washroom if we intend to stay like this!", I replied. By now I had my arms around him as well, if he was playing tough I'm ready to bring my A-Game into the field. I can be very awesome at flirting. Very very awesome!

"Why?", he asked innocently. "Nothing there, that I won't be seeing eventually!" he poked.

"Bruce!", I scowled and stepped on his toes with mine. He let me go and headed upstairs. I followed him up taking time to look at the pictures lining the wall against the stairs. It looked like one of those houses you get to see on TV. So eloquent and well-designed! I take great pride in my mother's designing ability and find our house extremely warm and comforting. But Bruce's house radiated something like precision of the highest level. I considered asking him if they had hired some interior designer, but it would have been too weird.

His room was the second one from the end of the stairs. "Ready?", he asked.

I went ahead and pushed the door open. The room left me breathless, speechless, thoughtless and completely shocked, much like it's owner did to me. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Bruce stood behind me, probably smiling. I don't remember. I was trying to absorb my surroundings right now and getting accustomed to them, because it all seriously felt like some dream.

We Are Not Having Sex

"So where are we meeting next time?", Bruce asked.

"I don't know! I have my mids coming up so I don't think I'll be able to make time in the next few days!", I told him dejectedly. I didn't know what was going on his head but I knew he was planning something. He had that crooked smile of his that always conquered his face when he was being naughty. "Why? Did you have something specific planned?" I asked him. I was totally suspicious that something was brewing in his mind. I could smell it.

"My parents are going away this weekend to see my elder brother!", he told me. Were my eyes playing tricks or was he actually blushing?, I asked myself in amazement. He had the reputation of a playboy, having been with at least more than 50 guys before me. I didn't entirely believe it because I don't think anyone can get laid that easily - even with his good looks and suave demeanor.

"So you want me to come over to your place?" I asked. I already knew what his answer would be. I was amazed at how celibate Bruce had been since we started going out. It was such a weird moment. It felt like being in high school. Parents going away, house all to oneself, perfect moment to get it on with someone - a very special someone. No one to disturb us, we could take as much time as we wanted to. No interruptions!

"Think about it! It's a great opportunity but obviously I would understand if you don't feel like!", he explained. I offered him my garlic-mayo fries as we talked. The traffic had us surrounded from all sides.

"Oh c'mon!", I poked him in disbelief. "I maybe just twenty but I know you just don't get fine and you definitely don't let things go that easily!" I added.

"Doesn't matter if I do. Because at the end of the day, I can't force you into a position, you don't want to be in!", he cracked an intentional pun. Also a very bad one!

"Position?", I asked in disbelief. "Seriously, Bruce? You know how over-active my imagination is, I'm already imagining the possibilities!" I said landing a hard punch on his shoulder.

"Ah, the joys of being a pervert!" he remarked with a naughty glint in his eyes. "So what do you think? You want to come over?", he asked as he drove me back to my place.

"I'll definitely think about it!", I told him. I wanted to be honest, but being honest can cause us to break up. I argued in my head what to do next. However this being my first real-time relation, I had promised myself I would be honest to both of us. "I do want to come over but I don't think I'm ready to have sex yet!", I blurted out. I'm such a Drama Queen!

He turned off the radio. Surprisingly, he had a smile on his face. I didn't quite understand how to interpret that reaction of his. "Why?" he asked still laughing slightly.

"I can't! Also I'm way too conscious about my body when I'm next to you!", I told him.

He was still laughing like some stupid jock and I felt like the girl who dates stupid jocks. "Why are you conscious about your body?", he asked.

"Are you kidding me?", I shot back. "Look at you! You're totally jacked! You've got the whole thing! Pecs! Biceps! Abs! You're frigg'in hot and I can't begin to tell you how many times I want to rip you're clothes off!" I blurted out at once.

"And you don't because?", he asked again as he turned left. We were pretty close to my home now.

"Look, it's going to happen my way if anything is going to happen!" I told him strictly. "I may come over but there is no way we are having sex!", I told him very sternly. I knew I was being somewhat of a wet blanket but there is really no point of getting physically intimate if it creeps you out really bad.

"Yes, Dear!" he remarked in the most mocking tone ever. "I won't touch you for the next 9 months!"

"Keep that up and I'll make it 9 months for real!", I half-threatened him. Well, not really! But I had to poke him back. I'm not one of those to sit and take it quietly.

"You're such a prude!" he remarked. "But do explain, if we won't have sex then what exactly is going to happen when you come over? Are we going to sit holding hands like good Christian couples?", he asked. I could sense a genuine curiosity mixed with his ever-ready sarcasm.

"I don't know!" I told him. I seriously didn't. "Expect sparks to fly but not necessarily the kind that would from friction of humping!" I winked.

"And that didn't stir any images in your over-active imagination?!", he asked in surprise.

I laughed. "It did. But it's okay when I do it!" I remarked. "You don't need to go all way. Just drop me at the next turn. I'll walk."

Bruce stopped the car at the next turn and we shook hands, which was kind of awkward. But I refused any PDAs in the vicinity of my neighborhood. I got out of the car and started walking. I didn't know if he was trying to be cool or annoying, but he was started moving the car extremely slowly keeping it right pace to pace with me. I turned around and gave him that look two to three times but there was no reaction.

I realized that people around us were noticing us now. I called him up, "Dude, get your butt outta here! People are looking and it's weird!", I growled.

He cut the call and zoomed the car past me. He disappeared at the next turning. I have to admit that display of craziness did turn me on alot. I didn't know if he meant to do it to excite me or it was just Bruce being Bruce. I decided to take up on the offer of going over to his place. It seemed like a really cool thing to do. But I was still convinced that I need to hold on to myself for just a little longer. It was somewhat that I was conscious about my body but also that I have heard from so many places that how many times people rush into sex and everything else goes out of the relationship. I didn't want that to happen so I was intending on keeping it strictly non-sexual - for now.

We Are Not Having Sex

"So where are we meeting next time?", Bruce asked.

"I don't know! I have my mids coming up so I don't think I'll be able to make time in the next few days!", I told him dejectedly. I didn't know what was going on his head but I knew he was planning something. He had that crooked smile of his that always conquered his face when he was being naughty. "Why? Did you have something specific planned?" I asked him. I was totally suspicious that something was brewing in his mind. I could smell it.

"My parents are going away this weekend to see my elder brother!", he told me. Were my eyes playing tricks or was he actually blushing?, I asked myself in amazement. He had the reputation of a playboy, having been with at least more than 50 guys before me. I didn't entirely believe it because I don't think anyone can get laid that easily - even with his good looks and suave demeanor.

"So you want me to come over to your place?" I asked. I already knew what his answer would be. I was amazed at how celibate Bruce had been since we started going out. It was such a weird moment. It felt like being in high school. Parents going away, house all to oneself, perfect moment to get it on with someone - a very special someone. No one to disturb us, we could take as much time as we wanted to. No interruptions!

"Think about it! It's a great opportunity but obviously I would understand if you don't feel like!", he explained. I offered him my garlic-mayo fries as we talked. The traffic had us surrounded from all sides.

"Oh c'mon!", I poked him in disbelief. "I maybe just twenty but I know you just don't get fine and you definitely don't let things go that easily!" I added.

"Doesn't matter if I do. Because at the end of the day, I can't force you into a position, you don't want to be in!", he cracked an intentional pun. Also a very bad one!

"Position?", I asked in disbelief. "Seriously, Bruce? You know how over-active my imagination is, I'm already imagining the possibilities!" I said landing a hard punch on his shoulder.

"Ah, the joys of being a pervert!" he remarked with a naughty glint in his eyes. "So what do you think? You want to come over?", he asked as he drove me back to my place.

"I'll definitely think about it!", I told him. I wanted to be honest, but being honest can cause us to break up. I argued in my head what to do next. However this being my first real-time relation, I had promised myself I would be honest to both of us. "I do want to come over but I don't think I'm ready to have sex yet!", I blurted out. I'm such a Drama Queen!

He turned off the radio. Surprisingly, he had a smile on his face. I didn't quite understand how to interpret that reaction of his. "Why?" he asked still laughing slightly.

"I can't! Also I'm way too conscious about my body when I'm next to you!", I told him.

He was still laughing like some stupid jock and I felt like the girl who dates stupid jocks. "Why are you conscious about your body?", he asked.

"Are you kidding me?", I shot back. "Look at you! You're totally jacked! You've got the whole thing! Pecs! Biceps! Abs! You're frigg'in hot and I can't begin to tell you how many times I want to rip you're clothes off!" I blurted out at once.

"And you don't because?", he asked again as he turned left. We were pretty close to my home now.

"Look, it's going to happen my way if anything is going to happen!" I told him strictly. "I may come over but there is no way we are having sex!", I told him very sternly. I knew I was being somewhat of a wet blanket but there is really no point of getting physically intimate if it creeps you out really bad.

"Yes, Dear!" he remarked in the most mocking tone ever. "I won't touch you for the next 9 months!"

"Keep that up and I'll make it 9 months for real!", I half-threatened him. Well, not really! But I had to poke him back. I'm not one of those to sit and take it quietly.

"You're such a prude!" he remarked. "But do explain, if we won't have sex then what exactly is going to happen when you come over? Are we going to sit holding hands like good Christian couples?", he asked. I could sense a genuine curiosity mixed with his ever-ready sarcasm.

"I don't know!" I told him. I seriously didn't. "Expect sparks to fly but not necessarily the kind that would from friction of humping!" I winked.

"And that didn't stir any images in your over-active imagination?!", he asked in surprise.

I laughed. "It did. But it's okay when I do it!" I remarked. "You don't need to go all way. Just drop me at the next turn. I'll walk."

Bruce stopped the car at the next turn and we shook hands, which was kind of awkward. But I refused any PDAs in the vicinity of my neighborhood. I got out of the car and started walking. I didn't know if he was trying to be cool or annoying, but he was started moving the car extremely slowly keeping it right pace to pace with me. I turned around and gave him that look two to three times but there was no reaction.

I realized that people around us were noticing us now. I called him up, "Dude, get your butt outta here! People are looking and it's weird!", I growled.

He cut the call and zoomed the car past me. He disappeared at the next turning. I have to admit that display of craziness did turn me on alot. I didn't know if he meant to do it to excite me or it was just Bruce being Bruce. I decided to take up on the offer of going over to his place. It seemed like a really cool thing to do. But I was still convinced that I need to hold on to myself for just a little longer. It was somewhat that I was conscious about my body but also that I have heard from so many places that how many times people rush into sex and everything else goes out of the relationship. I didn't want that to happen so I was intending on keeping it strictly non-sexual - for now.

Happy

"You really need to stop treating me like a child!", I told Bruce all of a sudden one day.

Bruce looked at me as he was driving the car. "Where did that come from so suddenly?", he asked.

"Where did that come from?!", I retorted. "You don't let me do anything! I feel as if I'm being taken out by an older cousin rather than my boyfriend!"

"Do you earn?", he asks all of a sudden in a serious but slightly challenging tone.

"Do you really think I would be earning?", I say answering his question with my own question. I was dreading having this conversation but dating seemed more of a chore to me rather than a pleasure cruise.

"Aren't there child labor laws in Pakistan?", Bruce poked.

"Bruce!", I exploded. "I'm 19 for Pete's sake!"

"I was kidding!", he explained. "But seriously, you don't earn so how do you expect to treat both of us?" he pointed out.

"Whatever! I feel so weird that every time we go out, you pay for just about everything and it's getting on my nerves! More over, I can't relax. It feels so weird and also quite wrong!", I complained. "At least let me pay for what I order!" I suggested.

"But that's what friends do! They pay for what they order!", he replied. "Also I think that's really cheap and not classy at all!" he added.

"Your such a hard-head! It's unbelievable!", I ask him quite seriously.

"And your such a child!", he replied.

I could never really guess if he was serious or not. He wasn't looking at me when he said that and half of the time, he had that smart-ass smirk on his face. I could never really know what was going on inside his head. Dating Bruce was not all that great at times. Planning, transportation, food, entertainment and just about anything you can think of was decided by him. It was a good thing that I was at least allowed to change CD tracks or the radio stations when we were out together, other wise I would have bitten someone's head off!

I admit the first few times it was really exciting and felt amazing. But then it stopped! It didn't feel good and it kept getting worse. Sure, I enjoyed the dates immensely. But later on when I was alone after the dates and I would think about it, it didn't make me smile. It made me feel guilty. Really guilty!

Later on when the relationship moved to a new level of intimacy but the dating mechanism remained the same, the level of unease grew. The intimacy put the stinging out for a moment, but it never really made it go away. Worse was that every time that dreaded feeling came back, it was back with vengeance!

At times I felt like a cheap hooker. I remember sitting in his room one day while he was showering. I had my boxers and shirt on, but I felt naked and exposed. "You want to take a shower?", he asked.

"No!", I replied tersely.

"You can take it alone if nudity is the issue. I won't mind!", he approached in a soft cautious tone.

"No, it's not!", I lied. Or at least half-lied. "I really need to be going now! It's late and it would take me about an hour to reach home!", I reasoned as I shifted my position. "Would Babu get suspicious if I sneak out?", I ask him. Babu was the name of the butler at Bruce's place. He was the care-taker of the house, the cook, the driver and basically anything else you can think of.

"Only if you sneak away!", he replied. I slipped my jeans and knocked the bathroom door. I stepped in with all my clothes and gave him a quick peck. It would feel weird and quite possibly rude to leave without one. "See you next on?", he asked.

"No idea! I'll text you!", I told him and walked out of the room with my bag hanging over my shoulders. I had spent enough time alone in the house with him to know where every room was. But it was still very weird. I couldn't even imagine what would his parents think to know that countless number of guys have seen the insides of their house. The family pictures from the time they got married to the time their eldest son got married and of their first grand child. It was great to know Bruce on such an intimate level, but it didn't feel great at times. In fact it felt the exact opposite; absolutely worst!

All these feelings came back to me today as I was driving back from today's date with Nathan. I was happy. I was ridiculously happy! I had never felt like this, before or after on any of the dates with Bruce. And I think that's what it feels like to be in an adult relationship.

Sure, it hurts like hell at times! But there are moments when you are flying on Cloud 9 and you don't want to get down from there for all the parachutes in the world. You're up and he's up there, nothing in the world could bother you except for a raging hard-on!

Happy

"You really need to stop treating me like a child!", I told Bruce all of a sudden one day.

Bruce looked at me as he was driving the car. "Where did that come from so suddenly?", he asked.

"Where did that come from?!", I retorted. "You don't let me do anything! I feel as if I'm being taken out by an older cousin rather than my boyfriend!"

"Do you earn?", he asks all of a sudden in a serious but slightly challenging tone.

"Do you really think I would be earning?", I say answering his question with my own question. I was dreading having this conversation but dating seemed more of a chore to me rather than a pleasure cruise.

"Aren't there child labor laws in Pakistan?", Bruce poked.

"Bruce!", I exploded. "I'm 19 for Pete's sake!"

"I was kidding!", he explained. "But seriously, you don't earn so how do you expect to treat both of us?" he pointed out.

"Whatever! I feel so weird that every time we go out, you pay for just about everything and it's getting on my nerves! More over, I can't relax. It feels so weird and also quite wrong!", I complained. "At least let me pay for what I order!" I suggested.

"But that's what friends do! They pay for what they order!", he replied. "Also I think that's really cheap and not classy at all!" he added.

"Your such a hard-head! It's unbelievable!", I ask him quite seriously.

"And your such a child!", he replied.

I could never really guess if he was serious or not. He wasn't looking at me when he said that and half of the time, he had that smart-ass smirk on his face. I could never really know what was going on inside his head. Dating Bruce was not all that great at times. Planning, transportation, food, entertainment and just about anything you can think of was decided by him. It was a good thing that I was at least allowed to change CD tracks or the radio stations when we were out together, other wise I would have bitten someone's head off!

I admit the first few times it was really exciting and felt amazing. But then it stopped! It didn't feel good and it kept getting worse. Sure, I enjoyed the dates immensely. But later on when I was alone after the dates and I would think about it, it didn't make me smile. It made me feel guilty. Really guilty!

Later on when the relationship moved to a new level of intimacy but the dating mechanism remained the same, the level of unease grew. The intimacy put the stinging out for a moment, but it never really made it go away. Worse was that every time that dreaded feeling came back, it was back with vengeance!

At times I felt like a cheap hooker. I remember sitting in his room one day while he was showering. I had my boxers and shirt on, but I felt naked and exposed. "You want to take a shower?", he asked.

"No!", I replied tersely.

"You can take it alone if nudity is the issue. I won't mind!", he approached in a soft cautious tone.

"No, it's not!", I lied. Or at least half-lied. "I really need to be going now! It's late and it would take me about an hour to reach home!", I reasoned as I shifted my position. "Would Babu get suspicious if I sneak out?", I ask him. Babu was the name of the butler at Bruce's place. He was the care-taker of the house, the cook, the driver and basically anything else you can think of.

"Only if you sneak away!", he replied. I slipped my jeans and knocked the bathroom door. I stepped in with all my clothes and gave him a quick peck. It would feel weird and quite possibly rude to leave without one. "See you next on?", he asked.

"No idea! I'll text you!", I told him and walked out of the room with my bag hanging over my shoulders. I had spent enough time alone in the house with him to know where every room was. But it was still very weird. I couldn't even imagine what would his parents think to know that countless number of guys have seen the insides of their house. The family pictures from the time they got married to the time their eldest son got married and of their first grand child. It was great to know Bruce on such an intimate level, but it didn't feel great at times. In fact it felt the exact opposite; absolutely worst!

All these feelings came back to me today as I was driving back from today's date with Nathan. I was happy. I was ridiculously happy! I had never felt like this, before or after on any of the dates with Bruce. And I think that's what it feels like to be in an adult relationship.

Sure, it hurts like hell at times! But there are moments when you are flying on Cloud 9 and you don't want to get down from there for all the parachutes in the world. You're up and he's up there, nothing in the world could bother you except for a raging hard-on!

Two More Lonely People

How could I say no to that, I'd have to be a real jerk to reject his friendship. He was clearly a nice guy and maybe we did make a wrong move by getting committed. Just because most of his interests were same as mine, it didn't necessarily mean that we could be together. But being friends with an ex, I'm not comfortable with the idea. At all!

The last time I tried that, I didn't turn out really well. I ran face first into a wall and crumbled to a million pieces. That guy ended our friendship claiming that he's doing it for my own good and that's it not healthy because I still have feelings for him. I'll be posting about him sometime later perhaps, but ever since then the idea of being friends with an ex doesn't have me jumping up and down with joy. "Friends?", I asked skeptically and slightly in surprise.

"Yeah,", Bruce admitted. "Friends!"

"Define friends?", I ask. That's the typical me. Questions and even more questions, analyzing everything and being super critical. Bruce looked at me puzzled.

He sighed, "Like we were before we started going out. Simply friends! Like you are with all those people on your Orkut account!", he explained.

"But we went too far, don't you think? We've been naked together and we've kissed. Not just pecks, but a proper full-on spit swap!", I reasoned voicing my uncertainties. I had to keep my volume down and look as casual as possible. It's so hard to discuss anything gay in public. He was standing very close to me and I remember staring at his bulging bicep. Though I had broken up with him, I couldn't deny that I was still attracted to him. I ask if we could move to somewhere private. He recommended a near-by cafe.

After settling into a booth, he repeated my reasons to make sure he had gotten them right. He was quiet for a while. I didn't know if it was because he was thinking something or if he had lost the train of thought when the waiter interrupted us asking if we'd like something. "So?", I ask.

"So do you want us to be friends with benefit?", he asked apprehensively. Bruce talking about sex with a apprehension and hesitation, I never thought I'd be around to see that day. I look at him in shock.

Sex with no strings attached, this was literally so tempting. But I knew as much momentarily that would satisfy me, it would later bite me hard in the ass. "No! No! Not at all! No sex, just friends!" I replied slowly. Truth be told, as steamy our encounters were he was abit rude in his comments. I didn't say anything then, but I hated it completely. I felt like putting my clothes back on and leaving the scene. Silence reigned, "Look Bruce, you were my first real-time relation and things did get somewhere with you!  I honestly believe that I acted hastily with taking your contact number, asking to meet-up and then meeting up again. I'm sorry that I got you into the mess, as well. If there was a way I could un-do it, I would! Back to the time when there were no creepy pauses in our talks. And not only that but how physical we got in such a short time, it's just really weird! Do you get what I'm trying to say?", I asked.

Crap!, I thought to myself. I sounded like one of those wind-up dolls. I was speaking really fast and my eyes were on the table, fiddling with my cell. It seemed as if I had rehearsed the entire thing.

"It's okay! I get it! No problem!", he remarked. I looked up, he was fixated on his coffee. He didn't seemed pissed by his tone, but there was a certain terse quality to it. A bitter feeling of some sort, I apologized and left. He messaged me a minute or two later asking to delete his number and that he's deleting mine. I guess that's the right way to wipe the slate clean. I remember my heart-beating super fast as I walked to my car. I got a text from Ryan asking how did it go.

"Two more lonely people tonight!", I messaged back. While our relationship ended there and then, but that wasn't the last time Bruce and I crossed paths. Is it me or does drama follow me everywhere I go?

Two More Lonely People

How could I say no to that, I'd have to be a real jerk to reject his friendship. He was clearly a nice guy and maybe we did make a wrong move by getting committed. Just because most of his interests were same as mine, it didn't necessarily mean that we could be together. But being friends with an ex, I'm not comfortable with the idea. At all!

The last time I tried that, I didn't turn out really well. I ran face first into a wall and crumbled to a million pieces. That guy ended our friendship claiming that he's doing it for my own good and that's it not healthy because I still have feelings for him. I'll be posting about him sometime later perhaps, but ever since then the idea of being friends with an ex doesn't have me jumping up and down with joy. "Friends?", I asked skeptically and slightly in surprise.

"Yeah,", Bruce admitted. "Friends!"

"Define friends?", I ask. That's the typical me. Questions and even more questions, analyzing everything and being super critical. Bruce looked at me puzzled.

He sighed, "Like we were before we started going out. Simply friends! Like you are with all those people on your Orkut account!", he explained.

"But we went too far, don't you think? We've been naked together and we've kissed. Not just pecks, but a proper full-on spit swap!", I reasoned voicing my uncertainties. I had to keep my volume down and look as casual as possible. It's so hard to discuss anything gay in public. He was standing very close to me and I remember staring at his bulging bicep. Though I had broken up with him, I couldn't deny that I was still attracted to him. I ask if we could move to somewhere private. He recommended a near-by cafe.

After settling into a booth, he repeated my reasons to make sure he had gotten them right. He was quiet for a while. I didn't know if it was because he was thinking something or if he had lost the train of thought when the waiter interrupted us asking if we'd like something. "So?", I ask.

"So do you want us to be friends with benefit?", he asked apprehensively. Bruce talking about sex with a apprehension and hesitation, I never thought I'd be around to see that day. I look at him in shock.

Sex with no strings attached, this was literally so tempting. But I knew as much momentarily that would satisfy me, it would later bite me hard in the ass. "No! No! Not at all! No sex, just friends!" I replied slowly. Truth be told, as steamy our encounters were he was abit rude in his comments. I didn't say anything then, but I hated it completely. I felt like putting my clothes back on and leaving the scene. Silence reigned, "Look Bruce, you were my first real-time relation and things did get somewhere with you!  I honestly believe that I acted hastily with taking your contact number, asking to meet-up and then meeting up again. I'm sorry that I got you into the mess, as well. If there was a way I could un-do it, I would! Back to the time when there were no creepy pauses in our talks. And not only that but how physical we got in such a short time, it's just really weird! Do you get what I'm trying to say?", I asked.

Crap!, I thought to myself. I sounded like one of those wind-up dolls. I was speaking really fast and my eyes were on the table, fiddling with my cell. It seemed as if I had rehearsed the entire thing.

"It's okay! I get it! No problem!", he remarked. I looked up, he was fixated on his coffee. He didn't seemed pissed by his tone, but there was a certain terse quality to it. A bitter feeling of some sort, I apologized and left. He messaged me a minute or two later asking to delete his number and that he's deleting mine. I guess that's the right way to wipe the slate clean. I remember my heart-beating super fast as I walked to my car. I got a text from Ryan asking how did it go.

"Two more lonely people tonight!", I messaged back. While our relationship ended there and then, but that wasn't the last time Bruce and I crossed paths. Is it me or does drama follow me everywhere I go?

Ex! Why?

The day before I rammed my car into the bus (Read; Here), Nathan and I had probably one of the weirdest conversations yet. We talked about how our relations were with Ex, which lead to alot of details being exchanged and eventually an exchange of pics as well. I showed him Bruce and he showed me a certain guy he had developed feelings for, but could never express them in fear of being ridiculed.

A little background on Fabio. He was older than Nathan, about a year or two I guess. He worked at a place right across where Nathan used to work. He always used to look at Nathan and smile alot. They never really took the time to talk but just the casual hello-hi-wassup kind of talks took place. This guy used to stare at Nathan, which aroused Nathan's curiousity. Soon enough Nathan started looking back at him, and sort of had feelings for him, as I mentioned earlier. And like I also mentioned previously, he didn't express them. But it really didn't go well, especially later on when Nathan packed himself and stopped responding. He stopped talking to Nathan, not even casual smiling anymore. Later on he switched jobs and that crushed Nathan some-what. But he got better eventually. Infact he not only got better, he also got stronger. Alot stronger!

Fast forward to April 15th 2010; It all started when Nathan told me that he had stumbled upon Fabio's profile on Facebook. Not having seen him since the past 1.5 year made Nathan curious as to how he happens to be doing now, so he went into the profile. He read the details, saw the pictures and then a few others things. I don't know exactly what made Nathan ask but he wanted to know if I am okay with it. I guess he wanted to clarify that he wasn't stalking Fabio and he in no way has any feelings left for him. He just happened to stumble upon the profile and took a peek into it.

To be perfectly honest, I was okay with it. I knew that the Fabio-Nathan saga ended before it would go any further and there was no way that Nathan would be presuming his earlier stance on this issue. Nathan asked me if I wanted to see Fabio, I was fine with that too. To be fair, I asked if he would like to see Bruce. He didn't mind that either. So we exchanged pics and that led to the most detailed talk about Bruce I have ever had with Nathan.

I'm not very keen on the topic of Ex. There was clearly something that went wrong or something didn't click right, if I'm not with that person anymore. To be more specific, I'm not keen at all to raise the topic of Mr. Back-Then with Mr. Right-Now. Why? Because I don't want the other person to feel as if he's being compared. It's a person, not a cell phone that you can compare to see who's got the best features or who's in the price range or what's the market value or which one looks best. I'm not fine with that at all!

More so if I thought that if I spilled the beans, Nathan may get into a complex. And believe me, it doesn't take much to get Nathan into a complex. He's somewhat apprehensive about gay relations because of the stereotypical view of them not being long-lasting due to various reasons.

Now usually his complexity is something I love to sort out, gives me a chance to be the self-instated Super Man I always want to be. Also because mostly, those are things he should not be bothered about at all but usually is. However this was one issue, I didn't want Nathan to get into.

Despite that I didn't want to talk about this topic, I still did. I didn't want Nathan to feel that I'm shutting him out by not revealing the details of my not-so-significant past. We spilled the peculiarities and pictures were exchanged. The funny part; Nathan didn't get into a complex at all. I was so frigg'in relieved, you guys have no idea. I had seriously under-estimated Nathan. Crap, that sucks balls on my parts!

After the conversation had ended, he asked me whats going on in my mind. Signature Nathan move! So I told him about my apprehensive thoughts and why I didn't want to discuss Bruce in such a detailed manner with him. "Okay, so he was cute and sexy but you don't love him anymore so why should I be bothered?!", he tells me. "Besides your boyfriend is way cuter and way sexier and way more smart, soooo I really don't see why you were so scared! Honestly Phunk, I thought you were WAY smarter than this!" he adds. Moron!

I'm still not very comfortable about talking about Bruce though with Nathan. Especially since we mostly type what we want to say, I don't want him to get the impression that I'm comparing the two. All this would definitely be easier on his face probably, but am I really that stupid to talk about Mr. Back-Then with Mr. Right-Now when I could toss him against a wall and kiss myself crazy. No way! Imma be busy snogg'in my man!

I wasn't quite impressed with the picture I saw of Fabio. Nathan said that he used to be much better looking back then and the changes he's gone through, none of them being good ones. However Nathan did wish him well, which is super-commendable. I don't think I can wish Bruce well. I'm not much of a bigger-person, you know.

Wish me luck, folks! Catch you all on 24th!

Ex! Why?

The day before I rammed my car into the bus (Read; Here), Nathan and I had probably one of the weirdest conversations yet. We talked about how our relations were with Ex, which lead to alot of details being exchanged and eventually an exchange of pics as well. I showed him Bruce and he showed me a certain guy he had developed feelings for, but could never express them in fear of being ridiculed.

A little background on Fabio. He was older than Nathan, about a year or two I guess. He worked at a place right across where Nathan used to work. He always used to look at Nathan and smile alot. They never really took the time to talk but just the casual hello-hi-wassup kind of talks took place. This guy used to stare at Nathan, which aroused Nathan's curiousity. Soon enough Nathan started looking back at him, and sort of had feelings for him, as I mentioned earlier. And like I also mentioned previously, he didn't express them. But it really didn't go well, especially later on when Nathan packed himself and stopped responding. He stopped talking to Nathan, not even casual smiling anymore. Later on he switched jobs and that crushed Nathan some-what. But he got better eventually. Infact he not only got better, he also got stronger. Alot stronger!

Fast forward to April 15th 2010; It all started when Nathan told me that he had stumbled upon Fabio's profile on Facebook. Not having seen him since the past 1.5 year made Nathan curious as to how he happens to be doing now, so he went into the profile. He read the details, saw the pictures and then a few others things. I don't know exactly what made Nathan ask but he wanted to know if I am okay with it. I guess he wanted to clarify that he wasn't stalking Fabio and he in no way has any feelings left for him. He just happened to stumble upon the profile and took a peek into it.

To be perfectly honest, I was okay with it. I knew that the Fabio-Nathan saga ended before it would go any further and there was no way that Nathan would be presuming his earlier stance on this issue. Nathan asked me if I wanted to see Fabio, I was fine with that too. To be fair, I asked if he would like to see Bruce. He didn't mind that either. So we exchanged pics and that led to the most detailed talk about Bruce I have ever had with Nathan.

I'm not very keen on the topic of Ex. There was clearly something that went wrong or something didn't click right, if I'm not with that person anymore. To be more specific, I'm not keen at all to raise the topic of Mr. Back-Then with Mr. Right-Now. Why? Because I don't want the other person to feel as if he's being compared. It's a person, not a cell phone that you can compare to see who's got the best features or who's in the price range or what's the market value or which one looks best. I'm not fine with that at all!

More so if I thought that if I spilled the beans, Nathan may get into a complex. And believe me, it doesn't take much to get Nathan into a complex. He's somewhat apprehensive about gay relations because of the stereotypical view of them not being long-lasting due to various reasons.

Now usually his complexity is something I love to sort out, gives me a chance to be the self-instated Super Man I always want to be. Also because mostly, those are things he should not be bothered about at all but usually is. However this was one issue, I didn't want Nathan to get into.

Despite that I didn't want to talk about this topic, I still did. I didn't want Nathan to feel that I'm shutting him out by not revealing the details of my not-so-significant past. We spilled the peculiarities and pictures were exchanged. The funny part; Nathan didn't get into a complex at all. I was so frigg'in relieved, you guys have no idea. I had seriously under-estimated Nathan. Crap, that sucks balls on my parts!

After the conversation had ended, he asked me whats going on in my mind. Signature Nathan move! So I told him about my apprehensive thoughts and why I didn't want to discuss Bruce in such a detailed manner with him. "Okay, so he was cute and sexy but you don't love him anymore so why should I be bothered?!", he tells me. "Besides your boyfriend is way cuter and way sexier and way more smart, soooo I really don't see why you were so scared! Honestly Phunk, I thought you were WAY smarter than this!" he adds. Moron!

I'm still not very comfortable about talking about Bruce though with Nathan. Especially since we mostly type what we want to say, I don't want him to get the impression that I'm comparing the two. All this would definitely be easier on his face probably, but am I really that stupid to talk about Mr. Back-Then with Mr. Right-Now when I could toss him against a wall and kiss myself crazy. No way! Imma be busy snogg'in my man!

I wasn't quite impressed with the picture I saw of Fabio. Nathan said that he used to be much better looking back then and the changes he's gone through, none of them being good ones. However Nathan did wish him well, which is super-commendable. I don't think I can wish Bruce well. I'm not much of a bigger-person, you know.

Wish me luck, folks! Catch you all on 24th!

Friends, Lovers Or Nothing

The mall was decently crowded for a Tuesday afternoon. I had gone straight from my college, so wasn't really looking my best. I had washed my face and sprayed on a fresh layer of deo that I always carry in my bag. As long as I looked and smelled relatively fresh, it was fine by me. He was already there. Good! I would have screamed bloody murder if he had kept me waiting.

It's funny how much things had changed. A few weeks ago we met at the same place and we had a ball. We laughed, we talked, we bitched, we ate and by the time the night ended, we had even kissed. Isn't it funny how things turned out to be?. I couldn't help but think about it, and laugh.

The greeting was forced. It felt weird. Everything was so effortless back then. A handshake that would result in him pulling me closer and giving me a small hug, just the right kind for a public place. I think the fear of my first rejection had stiffened me. Like some defensive mechanism that my body had automatically slipped in.

A formal greeting, recent updates and a quick walk through of the Lahore wedding later, we sat discussing business. I felt like a duck sitting in front of a lion as it cleaned it's claws before a meal. Bruce was taller and stronger than me in every aspect, our hugs sometimes used to result in me being gripped tight and lifted up. That's quite a mean feat for someone, if you ask me. I'm not exactly the lightest person on Earth. Also I felt that everyone was looking at us. Here again came a comparison in my mind. Few weeks ago I was feeling that everyone was looking at us and I was enjoying that feeling. But not now! I offered that we walk around the mall instead. He didn't mind, so we got up and started pacing the mall.

He apologized for not maintaining a line of communication since his return. It seemed honest but the damage was already done. Bruce said that he had gotten busy since he got back in catching up with work. How can it take 4 weeks to catch up for a 10 day off, I don't understand. But I didn't argue!

He wasn't telling me something and I knew about it. I didn't know what it was and I didn't feel like getting to know about it. Some stones are better left unturned. I glanced at my watch. It was getting late so I decided to cut to the chase. "Are we dating or not?", I ask sternly.

"I don't know!", he replied "Do you want to?" he asked in response.

"I don't think so, Bruce!" I told him looking at his face. I saw a flash of sadness. "Don't get me wrong. We did have it going for a while but I think it all happened too soon and I acted too much on my impulses!", I reasoned. There was complete silence for a while.

He didn't say anything as I stood there. We were on the 3rd floor and he kept looking down. I couldn't understand what was going on in his mind. For a moment I thought he was going to push me off or something. Crazy Me!

The silence was a murder so I decided to grab the conversation again. I said my byes and wished him well, hoping he finds someone soon. Pretty soon, I was in the parking lot. I kept looking back wondering if Bruce is going to pop out any second and something horrible would happen. I seriously should stop watch psycho-thrillers!

I had just about reached my car when my phone started to ring. It was Bruce calling. I wondered if I should go back or simply receive his call. My legs reminded me that I owe them alot more than I owe any man, so I received the call. Bruce was calling me back. I argued that  it was a long walk and I'm nearly at my car. But he didn't stop and kept telling me to come back up. Planning to wrap it up as quick as possible, I started walking back.

At the entrance, Bruce was standing with two cups of ice-cream in his hands. He offered me a double scoop of Brownie ice-cream. That, atleast, was definitely worth the walk.

"So we messed up big time! But can we be friends?", he asked sincerely.