I cracked yesterday. I cracked really really bad. I had a rough day at college when I couldn't complete the assigned task in the time alloted to us and hence I didn't get any grade on it. But then nobody else got a grade either, nobody could complete the assignment. Our new instructing doctor is such an impossible person, he wanted us to take history, perform a physical examination, reach a differential diagnosis and counsel in 20 minutes. I'd seriously like him to take a go at that AND meet patient's satisfaction at the same time. For me, patient satisfaction is the most important thing. If the patient doesn't like how you treated him, he won't come around for a second time if anything goes wrong. The no-grade charade spoiled my entire mind set for the rest of the day. I was in the worst of the moods.
When I got home, I went straight to sleep and got up about an hour later from the alarm I had set because I needed to study for a test next week. In just a moment I looked up to the calendar in my room and saw the date being highlighted with a blue high-lighter. I had done that for every month of the year so that I don't forget to wish 'Happy Anniversary' to Nathan each month. Not that I needed any help, I am quite proud to say that I never ever forget important dates. I had done it just in case I forget, it would remind me. Better safe than sorry! ;)
The moment I saw the high-lighted date, something like a flare went up inside me and I felt extremely furious. In that blur of a moment I shot a text to Nathan. Right now, I'm hating myself for doing that! Obviously ever since the break up I had not planned on messaging Nathan. After the recent falling out, I felt I needed to control myself because if I let myself go I am very liable to say something hurtful and regretful. And that is exactly what happened yesterday!
I messaged him something about how if he had just let me gotten used to the distance we would not have broken up and we could have been celebrating another month today. Also and rightfully so, I regretted it five minutes later.
I fell back on my bed and wondered why couldn't I be like one of the composed people who don't act like freaks after they break up? They aren't obsessed about what the other person is doing right now or if the other person still may possibly have some feelings. They are hurt but that in no way let emotions hinder their everyday normal functioning.
I also regretted another thing at that moment. I regretted that when Nathan and I started corresponding after the break up, I didn't tell him that 'Hey! I'm not over you yet! I need some more time or maybe alot more time!'.
I remember telling Ryan about it and he was very surprised. "You two are talking again?", he asked me.
"Yeah!" I told him. I knew even before telling him that he would be against it. Even a part of me thought that I'm taking it too fast with Nathan.
"Don't you think it's too soon?", he asked me. "It's been just a month!"
"I don't know! I didn't expect him to get over me so soon. I didn't expect us to start talking again in just a few weeks. I thought we would at least be on silent terms for like three to four months!", I told him.
"Are you over him?" he asked me.
"No!" I told him. "But I miss him and what if he's lonely?"
"Okay, he's not lonely!", he reasoned sharply."You told me yourself he's made some friends so he's got them! You take the time you need to get him out of your system and then get to him" he told me, "As a friend!"
Why didn't I listen to Ryan and tell Nathan that I need to time-out?! I could have prevented so much damage from happening to both of us. It would have been so easy for both of us. I wish I had acted like a better person, a person who could think rationally in such a situation. Like Ryan!
Funnily in the hurry to text Nathan, I mistakenly put down 8 months instead of the actual 7 months. Now he probably thinks I forgot counting as well. Man, I'm such a doofus!
When I got home, I went straight to sleep and got up about an hour later from the alarm I had set because I needed to study for a test next week. In just a moment I looked up to the calendar in my room and saw the date being highlighted with a blue high-lighter. I had done that for every month of the year so that I don't forget to wish 'Happy Anniversary' to Nathan each month. Not that I needed any help, I am quite proud to say that I never ever forget important dates. I had done it just in case I forget, it would remind me. Better safe than sorry! ;)
The moment I saw the high-lighted date, something like a flare went up inside me and I felt extremely furious. In that blur of a moment I shot a text to Nathan. Right now, I'm hating myself for doing that! Obviously ever since the break up I had not planned on messaging Nathan. After the recent falling out, I felt I needed to control myself because if I let myself go I am very liable to say something hurtful and regretful. And that is exactly what happened yesterday!
I messaged him something about how if he had just let me gotten used to the distance we would not have broken up and we could have been celebrating another month today. Also and rightfully so, I regretted it five minutes later.
I fell back on my bed and wondered why couldn't I be like one of the composed people who don't act like freaks after they break up? They aren't obsessed about what the other person is doing right now or if the other person still may possibly have some feelings. They are hurt but that in no way let emotions hinder their everyday normal functioning.
I also regretted another thing at that moment. I regretted that when Nathan and I started corresponding after the break up, I didn't tell him that 'Hey! I'm not over you yet! I need some more time or maybe alot more time!'.
I remember telling Ryan about it and he was very surprised. "You two are talking again?", he asked me.
"Yeah!" I told him. I knew even before telling him that he would be against it. Even a part of me thought that I'm taking it too fast with Nathan.
"Don't you think it's too soon?", he asked me. "It's been just a month!"
"I don't know! I didn't expect him to get over me so soon. I didn't expect us to start talking again in just a few weeks. I thought we would at least be on silent terms for like three to four months!", I told him.
"Are you over him?" he asked me.
"No!" I told him. "But I miss him and what if he's lonely?"
"Okay, he's not lonely!", he reasoned sharply."You told me yourself he's made some friends so he's got them! You take the time you need to get him out of your system and then get to him" he told me, "As a friend!"
Why didn't I listen to Ryan and tell Nathan that I need to time-out?! I could have prevented so much damage from happening to both of us. It would have been so easy for both of us. I wish I had acted like a better person, a person who could think rationally in such a situation. Like Ryan!
Funnily in the hurry to text Nathan, I mistakenly put down 8 months instead of the actual 7 months. Now he probably thinks I forgot counting as well. Man, I'm such a doofus!
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