Last week I felt the most faithless I have ever possibly felt in my entire life. I felt like an abandoned child in a park full of children with their parents. I was the only one who didn't have anyone to look up to. The only one who was not holding anyone's hand. It wasn't some issue with my parents. My parents are extremely supportive and loving individuals who have left no stone unturned in my upbringing and nurturing. Whatever flaws that reside in me are entirely due to my own negligence and stupidity.
It had nothing to do with Nathan either. Nor was it related to my studies. Well at least it wasn't directly linked to my studies. It started off abruptly but the end was slow and cruel. Possibly I haven't entirely gotten past it yet. It's still tailing me in the back of my mind. It all started when I was revising Forensic Medicine. Let me start of by making it clear that I am a huge fan of Forensic Medicine and Toxicology. I think it's one of the most exciting subjects I have gotten the opportunity to study besides Psychology and Microbiology. I think it's absolutely amazing how you can draw inference from something completely mutilated and silent, and restore justice to it. I'm seriously considering it as a career but mother dear doesn't believe that Forensic Specialists are doctors. I'm not entirely sure, but it is on my list for consideration.
This semester we had to study Sexual Offenses. Quite possibly this was the worst thing anybody can ever make me study. It wasn't that it was long or extremely hard, but it was filled with so many facts that made me feel less than human and out of ordinary. Let me give you abit background info so as to clear any confusion. Sex can be 'Natural' or 'Unnatural'. 'Natural' sex refers to coitus between a male of 18 years or more and a female of 16 years or more, united by a marriage under legal, moral and religious obligations. Anything else is unnatural!
After that there was this huge passage describing the essential conditions for a marriage to be legal and acceptable in the eyes of Allah. The list started off with the point 'Same Sex'. WHAM! It felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I was unaware of it. I am aware that Same Sex Marriages and Homosexuality are prohibited in Islam. But if that's so, then why make some people feel attracted to the same gender? Why do they feel emotionally connected to people of the same sex and not of the opposite? Why do they not feel any attraction towards those of the opposite sex? Why? I knew I was supposed to be studying but my mind was filled with a whole questionnaire for God.
I kept on reading but nothing was registering. Is that why most gays opt to live a "straight" life or is it the social obligation that pushes them to do it?
I remember watching Glee's Grilled Cheeses and there was this part where Kurt says that he doesn't believe in God. Later Kurt explains why does he holds that opinion. I played that scene several times over and over again because I too have asked the same thing several times, especially when I first realized I'm gay. Why make us gays and have people hate us?!
Later in the same episode there is a scene involving Sue and Jean, her sister who suffers from Down Syndrome. Sue asks Jean if she believes in God?. In response, Jean asks her the same to which Sue responds in denial. Jean tells Sue that God doesn't make mistakes.
If I'm not a mistake, then why am I treated like one? Why are there things that make me feel like I am something wrong?
Almost everybody believes in God in their own way. But how do you believe in it when everything else He has made ridicules you or hates you?!
I am not by any means an Atheist. I do believe in God. I do pray five times a day as we are told in our religion, something I learned from Nathan. I try to be as good of a Muslim as I can be. But when such a little thing leaves me faithless, where do I stand?
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